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I’d always thought being free of my mom and her addiction was what I wanted, but I had underestimated how lonely I would feel. It wasn’t that I missed her. I didn’t. She’d never treated me like anything more than a burden. But then, I’d always had a mother, a parent. I’d had someone. Even if she loved getting high far more than she’d ever loved me, I’d had a family.
“One caramel latte and a double chocolate brownie.” Lily slid the tray onto the table and sat down, unravelling her chunky scarf. “Hmm, I love it here.”
“You mean you love the cupcakes.”
“True.” Her face lit up as she reached for her red velvet cupcake.
“So… last night…” I picked up my glass and took a sip. “It was intense.”
The blush returned to her cheeks. “It was like he couldn’t get enough of me. I had no idea sexy lingerie could do that to a guy.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“What?” Lily gawked at me like I’d grown a second head. “You mean you’ve never…”
“Who on Earth would I ever have bought sexy lingerie for?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just thought…” Guilt glittered in her eyes.
“You thought because I’ve fooled around a lot that I’m experienced in the art of seduction?”
“Peyton, that’s not—”
“It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but I wasn’t looking for sympathy or pity. “I’ve never cared enough to want to dress up for a guy, Lil,” I said with raw honesty.
“I bet Bryan would—”
“Bryan has nothing to do with this conversation.” It came out harsher than I intended but she needed to stop pushing. There was no Bryan and me. It was never going to happen.
I couldn’t force myself to want him the way I suspected he wanted me. Besides, even if I did… it would be pointless. He had an entire future ahead of him, a scholarship to Michigan. I didn’t have that.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s fine.” I suppressed the urge to flinch at the word. “I’m happy for you, babe. You deserve nothing but good things.”
“You deserve good things too, Peyton.” Lily smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes; as if she knew what I was thinking and could sense exactly where my head was at.
“I texted Cindy earlier,” I said, changing the subject. “I’m going to pick up my regular shifts starting Monday.”
“You don’t need to do that. Not yet.”
“Yeah, I do.” I needed to keep busy, not to mention the fact I needed every cent I could get.
“You’re not going to listen to me when I say my parents don’t want your money, are you?”
“Nope.” I broke a piece of brownie off and popped it in my mouth.
“Have you thought anymore about college?”
“Jesus, Lil, if I’d have known this would turn into the third degree, I would have stayed home.”
Home.
The word hit me dead in the chest. Was the Ford’s house really my home now? I guess it wasn’t like I had anywhere else to call mine. Before when I’d stayed with them it had always felt temporary. Even though I didn’t particularly relish the idea of being at home with my mom, it had still been my house, my bedroom… my space.
For as welcome as Lily’s parents made me, I was all too aware of the fact I was a guest. An outsider looking in. I was grateful, so freaking grateful, but I couldn’t deny being there with them was also a permanent reminder of everything I never had and would never have.
“Sorry.” She gave me an apologetic smile. “I just don’t like seeing you so… so sad.”
