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“What is this?” I picked it up and flicked it open.
“It’s the job application for the permanent position.”
“Shit, Jase, I didn’t—”
“You’re good with the guys, you’re focused, you show up and put in the work. Give me one good reason why you can’t say yes to this?”
My eyes scanned the form. He was offering me a lifeline; offering me the chance to finally make something of my life.
It was a no-brainer.
“You don’t need to decide right now…”
Fuck.
“Look, Jase. I’m grateful, man. I’m so fucking grateful. But I didn’t earn this.” I don’t deserve it.
He had no idea that I’d been… well, whatever the hell I’d been doing with Peyton. We hadn’t crossed any real lines, except the kiss—which I had no intention of letting happen again. But the fact I felt as guilty as fuck told me all I needed to know.
I was a lying piece of shit, and I didn’t deserve his support.
“I’ll be the judge of that,” he said. “How about this? I refuse to accept no as an answer unless you give me a valid reason why not.”
“Come on, Jase, that’s… I’ll just not turn up.” I gave him a pointed look. It wasn’t like he could coerce me into taking the position.
“You won’t do that. You’re many things, Xander, but you’re not a complete asshole.” Jase smirked.
“Why is this so important to you?” I asked. He’d never been so invested in my life before. Sure, Jase often played peacekeeper between me and Cameron, but he’d never gone to such lengths.
“It’s time, Xan,” he said.
I released a thin breath. I didn’t want to do this now, here of all places. I didn’t really want to do it ever.
“Did Cameron put you up to this?”
“No. No!” He shook his head and held up his hands. “That’s not what this is. I knew you needed a break, and I gave you one, and you’ve surprised me at every turn. I know you probably never imagined coming back to football, but you’re an asset to the team.”
His words should have made me feel good, and maybe a small part of me did. But the rest of me was steeped in guilt and regret. I’d been so close to making all Cam’s dreams come true and I’d blown it. I’d sabotaged my future.
I had to live with that every second of every day. I’d let my brother down—the one person who had done everything in his power to raise me right and give me everything despite the fact our parents were gone. I’d let them down.
I’d let myself down.
“Xan?” Jase’s gruff voice pulled me from my thoughts. “If you ever need to talk…”
“Yeah, I know.” I ran a hand down my face. I didn’t need to talk.
I didn’t.
“Okay, get out of here. Take that, read it, mull it over… but for the love of God, don’t make a hasty decision.” His eyes drilled into me, so hard I was worried he would crack my mask of indifference and see inside my dirty black soul. I’d gotten good over the years at deflecting, of playing the misunderstood guy with a chip on his shoulder.
“Okay.” I closed the manila folder and got to my feet, offering him a small nod of appreciation. “I’ll see you out on the field.”
“Damn straight you will, we’ve got a championship to win.”
The corner of my mouth tipped. Even now, even after his successful, albeit short career in the NFL, football was everything to Jase. I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. I wondered what he thought all those years ago when I gave up my shot.
As if he heard my thoughts, as I reached the door, Jase said, “Maybe it’s time to lay the past to rest, Xan. Maybe it’s time to move on.”
If only it were that easy.
