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I couldn’t think of a single thing that could possibly express my gratitude.
“Peyton?” Lily asked and I finally dragged my eyes away from the patio door.
“I’m fine.” The lie soured on my tongue. I wasn’t fine. I was barely stitched together at the seams and knowing Xander was here only made everything ten times worse.
I needed to talk to him about that night. About what he saw… what he thought he saw.
I needed to explain.
But it wasn’t like I could simply stroll up to him in front of all his family and friends.
God, this was awkward. And it was turning colder by the second. A shiver ripped through me, making my teeth chatter.
Lily frowned. “Are you cold? Maybe we should go inside.”
“A little bit longer,” I said, brushing her off. I couldn’t go inside, not yet. Not until I’d figured out what the hell I was going to say.
Xander was there that night. He’d watched me wade into the river, half-naked and ass-over-elbow drunk.
He’d seen everything.
I could only imagine what he thought of me. But he hadn’t stuck around at the hospital long enough to hear my side of the story. When I’d woken up, there’d been no sign of him. It hurt more than it should have.
Xander Chase wasn’t my family. He wasn’t anybody to me really, but I guess I’d always thought of myself as someone to his family, since I was best friends with Ashleigh, his niece.
Another blast of icy wind whipped around us and Lily leaped up. “I’m sorry, but I need to go inside.”
“Okay.” I gave her a weak smile. “I’ll be in soon.”
“You’re sure—”
“Go. I’m fine.”
God, I hated that word.
Lily hesitated, but I added, “Go. I’ll be right in, promise.” I just needed a chance to catch my breath.
With a small nod, Lily disappeared inside, and I burrowed myself deeper into my sweater.
I liked it out here, under the stars. It was peaceful. A place to lose yourself in nothing.
The door clicked open again and I half-smiled, ready to tell Lily that I was fine again. But it wasn’t Lily at all.
Xander loomed over me as he slipped a packet of cigarettes from his jeans and put one between his lips. Mesmerized, I watched as he lit the end and inhaled a deep lungful of tobacco. It was only then I realized he wasn’t looking at me. He was also staring out at nothing.
“So I was sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to say to you,” I blurted. “But now you’re here and I can’t think of a single thing.” Nervous laughter spilled from my lips like an out-of-tune instrument. “I guess I just want to—”
“Stop.”
“E-excuse me?” My mouth went dry as I fidgeted with the hem of my sweater. Xander still didn’t look at me, inhaling another hit of his cigarette, holding it in for a second before exhaling a controlled tendril of smoke.
“You don’t need to thank me.” He flicked it to the ground and dragged his boot over it.
“But I just wanted to explain—”
“I’m not your therapist, kid.” His eyes finally slid to mine, dark and tortured.
If I wasn’t so lost in his hard gaze, I might have flinched at his use of the word kid. But as it was, I was trapped. Suspended in his sterling gray eyes.
Before I could get out so much as another word, Xander ducked back into the house like he hadn’t just rendered me speechless.
And obliterated any image I had in my head of him as my hero.
