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The skin on my inner thigh burned. I hadn’t taken the knife to my thigh again, but I’d thought about it. I’d thought about carving the dark thoughts right out of me.
But I wasn’t that girl, I wasn’t.
I wasn’t her.
Tears burned the backs of my eyes, but I swallowed them down as I approached a table to take their order. I would throw myself into work. I would go to the bar with Sean and drink and laugh and pretend.
Anything to not think about my mom. About what she’d done.
About what I’d done.
Anything to not think about him.
* * *
Cindy letme clock off fifteen minutes early to freshen up for the date I’d told her numerous times wasn’t actually a date. I used the small bathroom to change into my plain black cropped t-shirt and unravel my hair from the messy ponytail. A couple of spritzes of perfume and some lip gloss and it was as good as it was going to get without going back to the Ford’s house.
“Seriously, girl, if you look that good after ten minutes, I can only imagine how you’d look after an hour.” Cindy grinned at me as she wiped down the counter.
“It’s the best I could do.” I shrugged, sweeping my blonde waves over one shoulder.
“He’ll love it. Now go, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t.” Cindy winked before practically shooing me out of the diner.
Sean was waiting outside, propped against his truck. He let out a low whistle, his eyes full of heat and hunger. “You look—”
“Friends, remember.” I levelled him with a hard look.
“Yeah, yeah. I know the rules. Let’s get out of here.” He yanked open the door and I slid inside.
The last time I’d been in Sean’s car, things had ended a little differently.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
But I wasn’t ready to go home, and I definitely didn’t want to go to the party at Bryan’s, despite the messages I’d had from him and Lily begging me to go.
“You okay over there?” Sean asked as he drove the short distance across town to The Tap.
“I’m fine.” I offered him a weak smile. “Who’ll be there tonight?”
“Richie, and a couple of the other guys. I think Jayden is bringing his girlfriend. It’ll be fun.”
Fun. It felt like a lifetime ago since I’d had fun. Now when I looked back and imagined myself partying and flirting and hooking up with guys, a shudder went through me. That girl had died the night I’d fallen into the river. And maybe it was for the best because although she was always up for a good time, it was all a lie.
A sham.
Sean pulled off the main street and into a small parking lot next to an old brick building. I’d never been here before, but I knew of it.
“Ready?” he asked, and I nodded, sliding out of the car before he could get around and open the door for me.
A knowing smirk lifted the corner of his lips when I met him at the hood of the car. “You’re really set on this friends thing, huh?”
“Yup.” I ran a hand down my hair and flashed him a smile. “Lead the way, friend.”
Sean motioned toward the door, a neon sign hanging above it, flickering ‘live music.’ I could already hear the heavy beat pulsing inside. But even over the noise, I swear I heard Sean say, “We’ll see.”
* * *
“Come on, babe, you’re drunk,”Sean said. “I should get you home.”
