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Nothing that is going on in this video fits the Nathan I know. Nothing.
“I want to see fucking tongue, ladies,” the camera guy says gleefully. “Pinch those titties.”
“Shut up and film, asshole,” Greta snaps. And he does. The camera is readjusted to cut off the heads of the girls, and then there’s a full minute of gyrations and moaning and the wet sounds of sucking.
My head pounds, and the skin around my face is stretched so tight it hurts to keep my eyes open. I press my lips together tightly to keep the whimpers in, but oh my god the pain in my chest is like a knife wound. It hurts worse than all the times I’ve had to stab myself with a needle to administer my daily cocktail of drugs. We first do this under the supervision of a nurse and then left to do it ourselves because when we’re home and we have to do it, no nurse will be there. It hurts worse than post-surgery, after they split my brain open to remove the tumor.
It hurts so bad that I wish the tumor had taken me because at least then I wouldn’t have to see this. Oh Nate, why?
At the end, Nick bursts through the door. He shouts something, the camera is knocked to the floor, and the video cuts off. But it’s too late at that point for Nick to save me because it’s already been captured.
“Charlotte, baby?”
It’s Daddy. He’s here with me this week. I slam the laptop lid down and wipe away the tears as best I can. I’m tempted to tell him, to climb into his lap and bawl my eyes out, but I’m afraid if I do, he’ll take the first plane back to Chicago and beat Nate bloody. And while I want to see Nate suffer, I know that telling Daddy about this will ruin everything. It won’t be the Jacksons and Randolphs together as a unit anymore. There’ll be a rift, and I don’t know if anything would be able to heal it.
I’m not going to be the one that destroys everything good in life. I’ll leave that to Nate.
“Yeah, Daddy?” I answer.
“You okay? I thought I heard you getting sick in the bathroom.” The bedroom door is shut, and he won’t come in because mom had a long talk with him about the importance of me having privacy now that I am older.
“Yup,” I say as cheerfully as possible. I get up and grab a few tissues. My face is blotchy, and my eyes are red. Mom would know I was crying for sure. Daddy? I’ll tell him that I watched a video about kittens being rescued.
“You been crying, baby?” he asks with concern when I open the door.
“Just watching a kitten video.” I wipe my eyes. “I can’t stand to see those animals hurt.”
“Oh honey, I know.” He pulls me into his arms and I rest my head against his broad chest. There’s no place safer in the world than your dad’s embrace, I think. I allow him to hold me for a long time, until the warmth of his love seeps into my bones and chases away a little of the chill. But the images from the video play out in my mind on an endless loop. I need to occupy my mind with something else.
“I’m going down to the commons to watch television,” I say, pulling away.
He tucks a finger under my chin and lifts my head to search my face for clues. “All right then. You go down, and when you’re ready to talk about what had you crying your eyes out in your room, I’ll be right here.”
He doesn’t believe it’s kittens. My lip quivers and the whole story is on the verge of spilling out, but I manage to give him a weak smile. “Okay.”
He kisses me on the top of my head. “You and your momma. You’re the most important things in my life. You remember that, baby.”
I nod because if I open my mouth I’ll start bawling, and I’m just not ready to cry again.
Down in the commons room I find two young kids watching cartoons in French. It’s mindless entertainment and just what I need. I’m so engrossed in trying to translate the idioms that I don’t even notice Colin is sitting next to me until he lets out a laugh at the mouse grabbing the cheese from a trap before the cat can catch him.
“How long have you been here?” I ask.
“Long enough to wonder what your asshole boyfriend did.” He pops a nut into his mouth and then shakes the bowl toward me in offering.
I turn him down. I may never eat again. “Why do you ask that?”
“You have the look.”
I remember then how his girlfriend cheated on him when he was sick the first time around. Hotness prickles at the backs of my eyes, but I clench my jaw hard to keep the tears in. Last thing I want to do is cry in front of him.
