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“Remember how we talked about the fact no one was stupid enough to fuck youhere?”
“We didn’t actually talk, you just said so, but yes,” I made a brief pause, then added. “Just spill it, Lucas.”
“What would you say if I told you I was the reason for that?” his eyes were scanning my face. “I may have told some people you’re off limits.”
I moved back away from him. It took me a few seconds to digest the information, but finally I got up from the bed and distanced myself from him.
“What do you mean?” I asked. I thought I understood but I needed to hear it again.
“I made sure no one touched you the way I wasn’t able to,” he admitted it directly. In his defense I could say he looked as if he knew he did something wrong, but I couldn’t get pass the fact he fucked everyone in school while preventing me on purpose from doing the same.
“So, you basically fucked girls on weekends, and on Monday you drove away anyone interested in me?” A memory flooded my brain. “Is this the reason Matt Pearson stood me up on our second date and hadn’t said a word to me ever since?”
He shrugged.
“They don’t tell me how they do it, but I guess,” Lucas said without blinking.
“You sabotaged my love life and you’re not going to at least pretend you’re sorry?”
“You did things years ago, and I’m still waiting for an apology. But that’s not the reason I’m not going to apologize. I’m not sorry, and I don’t want to lie. But maybe you want me to. Should I have fucked you and kept it a secret?” Lucas stood up too, but he didn’t approach me. “If you stop being such a martyr all the time and think about why I did it…”
I cut him off and got in his face. My mouth was inches away from his when I whispered.
“I know why you did it. You did it to get back at me. To punish me.”
Lucas shook his head.
“That’s what I tried to convince myself, but now I know it’s not true.” He reached over to touch my hair, but I pushed him away. I was so angry, I could scream.
“You controlled a whole part of my life. You had no right,” I spat.
“Oh, come on,” he rolled his eyes. “What would Matt Pearson even do with you? You need someone to demolish those fucking walls you built up around yourself. He’s not going to do that for you.”
“Because you decided, not because he couldn’t.”
“Because he doesn’t care. If he wanted you, he would have told me to fuck off and still go out with you.”
“You got some nerve. Is that what calms your conscience? You scared off every guy that showed any interest in me.”
“Apparently not every guy. I missed one in Seattle,” he smiled.
“Is this a joke to you?”
“No. But I won’t say I regret doing it just because you think you need to hear it. You need something else.”
“You know shit about my needs,” I turned my back to him. What I needed was to leave his room immediately.
He put a hand on the door right before I opened it. “Don’t run away. Stay. Talk. No more secrets.” Then he removed his hand from the door and waited for my reaction.
The possibility of coming clean and sharing everything with Lucas Cole was something my body rejected violently. I got dizzy and felt sick to my stomach. My inside world was too ugly for him to handle. I opened the door and left him without a second look.
???
Three weeks later I flew to Seattle to spend Christmas with my family. Everyone was coming except mom who was still in the rehab center.
I tried numerous ways to convince my father I should just stay with the Coles. I used my fear of flying, which was a lie, my overwhelming schedule, also a lie, and the need to feel somewhat home after everything that went down, which was the biggest lie of all. The answer was always the same.
“You’re coming even I have to ask Elizabeth Cole to drag you to the airport by the hair.”
