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I lowered down onto the toilet lid and pressed my hand to my chest. Had I really just done that? Part of my brain was still in denial.
It was strange that, when I looked into the mirror, the woman staring back at me appeared so different than the one on the elevator at the doctor’s office. My face was flushed with color, my lips were swollen, and my eyes were wide with excitement.
This was the person that I wanted to be. Not that I planned on repeating what I’d just done, but I was glad I had. I could mark it off the list of things to do that I’d started after leaving Dr. Pine’s office, my bucket list of things I wanted to do before my time was up. I’d just knocked two items off the list: going on a boat and giving oral sex.
So as awkward as this goodbye was going to be, I was proud of myself. I’d wanted something, and I’d asked for it. And now, I knew what a penis felt like, tasted like, looked like in real life. I’d seen some in movies, but there was no substitute for the real thing. Even if Jimmy had a low opinion of me after my forward behavior, I refused to feel any sort of regret about the way things had unfolded.
At least, that’s what I was telling myself as I walked up the steps to the upper deck. But when I made it to the top I saw that we had docked. Somehow being tethered to dry land caused every ounce of shyness and embarrassment I’d ever possessed to return. I’d been so bold on the sea, but now, now I wished we’d pulled directly onto the beach so I could bury my head in the sand.
And for all the self-talk, I had zero clues as to what the protocol for an encounter like this was since I’d never actually been intimate with anyone before.
Panic began to take hold of my throat. Jimmy’s back was turned to me and I knew that if I didn’t make my escape now, I’d have to fumble my way through an awkward goodbye. But if I made my escape, I could avoid the whole thing entirely. The only thing I worried about was being caught. That would actually be more embarrassing than having to face Jimmy would be.
After a few seconds of waffling, I made my decision. Reaching down, I slid my high heeled sandals off my ankles and slipped them off my feet. I knew there was no way that I could make it off the boat undetected with these clunkers on.
Fear built in me with each step I took.
How was it that I was more nervous about sneaking off this boat than I was about propositioning a stranger for oral sex?
It made no sense.
The knuckles on my right hand went white as I gripped the railing and with ninja-like stealth disembarked from the boat. When I felt the wood planks of the dock beneath my feet I started walking as fast as I could and didn’t dare turn back. With each step I took, my certainty grew that I’d hear my name being shouted out when Jimmy discovered me making a break for it. But it never happened. I made it to my car, got in, closed the door, and looked in the rearview mirror without being caught.
My hands were still shaking as I searched my purse for my notebook. I opened it and scanned down my list until I got to number twenty-four. Go on a boat. I pressed the tip of my pen onto the paper and wrote a checkmark next to it. Then I continued scanning until I got to number forty-one. Give oral sex. I grinned as I placed another check beside it.
When I’d set out on my adventure, I hadn’t been sure that I would actually be able to go through with all the things I’d written out. There’d been a small voice in the back of my head that said that I would chicken out when it came to follow-through. But now that I’d completed number forty-one, with a stranger no less, I was pretty sure the rest would be a cakewalk.
