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Forgiveness? Could that be too much to ask?
He hoped that Troy forgave him. They’d never talked about it. They were guys, after all. Their deepest communication was accomplished through silence and meaningful nods. But Troy had never treated him differently, not at any point since their parents’ accident. That was enough to give Donovan hope that Troy could forgive him.
Now, whether or not he could forgive himself…that was an entirely different story. He hoped he could. Not that he thought he deserved it. But if it were possible, it would be a good thing. He could come back here more often, visit his family. Troy could use the support, and he didn’t want to miss Mila’s entire childhood by running away forever.
He let his eyes wander over to Ella. God. Time with her was another thing he’d let slip away. He couldn’t believe it had been so long since they’d seen each other. He really couldn’t believe that he’d managed to survive on the paltry emails they’d exchanged during that time.
Dammit, he’d been given a stark reminder at the beginning of that five year stretch that life was fucking short and nothing about the future was guaranteed. Why he hadn’t taken that as a clear-as-day clue to grab onto her and never let go, he had no idea. And maybe that was just one more thing he’d never forgive himself for. But he thought he might be starting to understand.
The unwavering drive to be assigned to the elite Secret Service detail, the self-imposed exile from family and love, from warmth of any kind… They were both part of the same reaction. Two sides of the same coin.
He hadn’t been able to save his parents, so he was compelled to dedicate his life to protection at the highest level possible. And since he was the indirect cause of their death, he also committed himself to a near-monastic level of isolation as punishment. He didn’t feel he deserved love, or forgiveness, or warmth, so he simply didn’t allow himself to have it.
Could he change all of that now? What would that look like?
Did he even deserve to?
