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“Fuck,” he grumbled. “That sucks. I wish I could go back to shoving it down. Being in denial. That didn’t hurt as much, but it’s like those Magic Eye posters Ella used to love when we were teenagers. Once you see it, you can’t go back to unseeing. It will always be there, plain as day. You can’t hide it anymore.”
Troy gave his shoulder a squeeze. “It was time. You knew it was time, deep down. That’s why you came back.”
Donovan shook his head. “No. I came back because of my security clearance.”
Troy snorted. “Please, D. What’ve you done about that since you’ve gotten here? Made phone calls. Lots of phone calls. Last I checked, they have phones in DC. Maybe even fancier ones than in Valentine Bay. More bells and whistles. You haven’t done anything here you couldn’t have done from the East Coast. You came home because, deep in your soul, you knew you had to.”
Donovan was silent, mulling over Troy’s words. “I guess that’s true. It’s beyond overdue, me dealing with Mom and Dad’s death. Facing my guilt.”
“Guilt? What are you talking about?”
Donovan shrugged. “They would’ve been flying that night, not driving, if they hadn’t taken over my student loans. I couldn’t get my security clearance with that level of debt. So they helped me. They got a personal line of credit to pay it off. As a service to their country, they said. They were joking. But it cost them their lives.”
Troy was silent, and Donovan was too ashamed to look over and meet his eye. Finally, when he did, Troy’s eyes were squinted and his brows were drawn together, his lips drawn up in a disbelieving grimace. “What?” Donovan asked, taken aback by the extreme expression on his brother’s face.
“Dude, I knew your head was up your ass, but I had no idea it was shoved in there that far.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You really think you’re that important? That the universe, or even this family, revolves that much around you? Hell, you could make that same convoluted argument about any set of circumstances. They would’ve had money to fly if they’d never had Mila. Is it her fault? They never would’ve gone on the trip in the first place if they hadn’t been coming to see me play. Is it my fault? Who else can we blame? How far back should we go? Hell, if none of us had ever been born in the first place, Mom and Dad would probably be safe and sound right now. Or maybe they would’ve found themselves in some other situation and died much earlier.”
“Your point?”
“That’s life. Who the hell knows what thing affects another? The one thing I do know is, it’s not your fault. And I hope that, in time, you know that, too.”
Donovan was silent. Not because he had nothing to say, but simply because his throat was squeezed so tight shut he couldn’t get the words out. Troy just stood there silently with him, giving him space. That meant just as much to him, if not more, than his brother’s words had.
Finally Donovan took a deep breath. “Yeah. I think I do know that. In my head, at least. It might take my gut a while to catch up.”
Troy nodded. “It will. I have faith.”
Donavan sent him a grateful smile. “Thanks for having faith in me. I don’t know how well-earned it is after my five-year disappearing act, but it means a lot.”
Troy returned the smile with a crooked grin of his own. “Oh, well that makes this awkward, then. Because I really just meant I had faith in, like, the general process of human psychological healing. But, sure, bro. I guess I have faith in you, too.”
Donovan shook his head and chuckled. “It feels wrong to be laughing when we’re visiting Mom and Dad’s grave.”
Troy’s grin spread. “They know who they raised. Besides, I think seeing you laugh again, let alone back in Valentine Bay, would be exactly what they’d want.”
Donovan nodded. “Yeah. Although I don’t know how long I’m going to be here.”
Troy smacked his palm to his forehead. “God, you are dense. You’re the dumbest smart person I know.”
“What? How am I being dumb this time?”
“Because, bro. Dealing with your feelings about Mom and Dad wasn’t the only thing that brought you back here. Not by a longshot. And it’s definitely not the thing that’s kept you around all week.”
Donovan exhaled, a long and cleansing breath. “Yeah. Ella.”
“Exactly. Deep down, you were drawn back to her, too. It’s what pulled you back here, and if I’m right, it’s what’s going to keep you here, as well.”
“I’ve thought about it. A lot. I won’t deny that. But the one thing I just can’t get past is how much I’d be giving up if I stayed here.”
Donovan’s words hung in the air for a long moment. Finally, Troy broke the silence. “Maybe what you should actually be thinking about is what you’ll be giving up if you leave.”
