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“Because they’re a safe place for people to be. For queer teens. For adults who don’t feel that they can come out. For people who are so far in the closet they hate themselves. For people to see that, contrary to popular culture, you can be gay or trans or pansexual and happy. That there is a life for you, and a place for you. People who are like you. You’re not alone.” I felt like I was going to get emotional again, so I looked at the ceiling and tried to get it together.
“It’s okay. We can stop if you want,” she said softly. I definitely needed a breather. I picked up my tea with shaky hands and took a sip. It was barely warm, so I made a face.
“I can warm that up for you,” Lacey said, taking the cup from me.
“Thanks.” Now that I’d told her so much about myself, I wanted to know a little about her.
“Can I interviewyou?” I asked. She looked over at me from the microwave.
“You want to turn the tables, huh?”
“Yeah, just a little.”
“Okay, I’m game.” Cool. Now I got to pretend to be a journalist.
“So. You told me that you knew you were bi when you were young. Can you tell me a little about that?” Her eyes narrowed and I could tell she wasn’t super happy with me turning the microscope around.
“Sure. Basically I thought it would be really nice to kiss a girl. Which, since I was assigned male at birth, was expected. But then, I also thought it would be nice to kiss a boy. When we played Spin The Bottle, I never minded kissing anyone. I just liked people. I had so many crushes it was ridiculous.” I knew exactly what she meant.
“So, I just thought I was bi. A bi dude. And that was fine, but it never felt right. I didn’t want to be someone’s boyfriend.” She shrugged and the microwave dinged. Lacey brought my tea back and talked more about how she’d come to understand she was a trans woman and how that transition had gone with her family.
“I’m so much happier now. And it’s right. Everything feels right now.” She smiled and I finished my tea.
“And then I’ve just been bouncing around for a few years, trying to figure my shit out and find a place that feels like home. Haven’t found it yet.”
“Do you think that you will?” I said.
“I’m not sure. Sometimes I think I’m bound to just wander the earth aimlessly for the rest of my life. Rootless. It’s not the best way to live, but it’s what I know how to do. I guess that means I’m not good at commitment.” I snorted.
“Yeah, me neither. I mean, when it comes to relationships. It all kind of scares the shit out of me. How do you know that you can be with someone for your whole life? That’s a huge choice to make and I don’t know if I’m ready to make it.” I didn’t know if I would ever be able to make it, honestly. Some might thing that was sad, but I was okay with it. As long as it worked and I wasn’t miserable I figured it was the way to go.
“Agreed. I don’t know. I could see myself being with someone, but maybe not marriage? Some days I think I want that and then others I want to float around with nothing tying me down.” Neither of us could make up our minds it seemed.
“Looks like we’re in the same boat,” I said.
“Seems so.” Silence fell over us like a thick blanket. I wasn’t sure where we were supposed to go from here.
“Now that we’re not doing the interview, do you think I could kiss you again?” she asked, and it was so sweet. It was probably a bad idea, but I didn’t care.
“Yeah, you can.”
Five
Somehow, we were both able to put on the brakes before things went too far. I realized it was very, very late and that I had to work the next morning. I said goodnight to Lacey with a soft brush of our lips and she promised to come by the café for lunch so I could see her.
I went to bed giddy. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this excited about seeing someone the next day. Hell, I was excited about work. Not that any of my jobs were awful, but being this stoked was a rarity.
She was just so sexy and cool and smart and interesting. I loved knowing what she thought about everything. Even if I didn’t want to kiss her face off, I wanted to know her. To talk to her. To spend time with her.
And that time was running out. She was going to leave and not come back. She’d said so herself. A boat without an anchor. Adrift.
I didn’t want to be the one to hold her back. I didn’t even know if I could. I liked her. A lot. But I’d liked a lot of people a lot. Sure, I couldn’t remember liking someone so quickly to this degree, but what did that mean? Not a whole lot.
Still, it kept me up most of the night, thinking about Lacey and kissing her and even drifting toward a future. Coming home from work and seeing her on the couch.
That last part was when I was almost asleep and when I woke up, the dream was hazy and I was turned on. Oh.
I lay there for a moment, trying to get my brain to start functioning normally again. I didn’t dream about shit like that. Ever. I needed to cool things down so I didn’t find myself too far in with no way to get out except with a slightly broken heart.
