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“What are you reading?”
“A nonfic about terrible rich people being terrible.” Of course she was. “And you?” she asked.
“Screw that, I’m reading about ladies falling in love and banging. Why would you want to read anything else?” I couldn’t imagine. Emma just laughed and went back to reading.
I cuddled up with her on the couch and turned my tablet on.
We read in silence until I was completely exhausted. I turned my tablet off and looked at Emma. She had leaned back on the couch and her eyes were closed. I studied her for a few moments before gently getting up.
“Hey, Em, you fell asleep.” I stroked her shoulder and her eyes fluttered open.
“Hey,” she said, a sleepy smile forming on her lips. My heart thumped against my chest in a frenetic beat. I’d seen her thousands of times before. Why was I feeling like this was the first time I’d noticed how completely beautiful she was? Her eyes were definitely blue tonight.
“Hey,” I said. “We should probably go to bed. Or, at least, I’m going to. Remember, big day tomorrow.” We were headed out to see one of Nova’s art shows and then seeing a movie before having dinner at a new taco place that was opening, mostly because we wanted free tacos.
“You’re right,” she said, stretching her arms above her head. “Should we brush our teeth?” I held my hand out and helped her up from the couch and she followed me into the bathroom.
It didn’t seem strange to brush our teeth together, since we’d done it hundreds of times before. I kept meeting her eyes in the mirror and smiling. Why did this moment feel so perfect? I wish I’d sucked it up and moved in with her years ago. Could have saved myself so much pain and aggravation. Sure, I might have been even more broke than I was now, but what did that matter?
Emma wiped some toothpaste from my mouth and laughed.
“Missed a spot.”
“Thanks,” I said, putting my toothbrush in its charger right next to hers. We had the same one, but different colors. Hers was white while mine was a sparkly blue.
“Goodnight wife,” I said, laughing. Emma stared at me for a second and then leaned forward, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
“Goodnight wife,” she said in my ear. I froze, completely unable to move. Unable to breathe. It was like my entire body stopped. As if that kiss had hit my internal pause button.
Emma left the bathroom and I finally inhaled. My skin burned where her lips had touched me. I put my hand to feel my cheek, just to make sure my skin was normal.
That gesture reminded me I needed to wash my face, but I didn’t have the energy, so I just pivoted and went to the guest room—my room now. I heard music coming from behind Emma’s door. She always slept with music on, just like I slept with the TV on. We both had anxious minds that needed something to distract them. On the surface, we seemed so different, but in so many small ways, we were just alike.
I got in bed, unable to stop thinking about the kiss. What was my deal? I was sure that Emma had kissed me on the cheek before. Hell, she’d seen me naked as fuck on so many occasions. What was a little cheek kiss? Puzzled, I stripped out of my clothes and went to bed in just a tank top and my undies. In the summer I slept naked, so I was definitely going to have to get a robe for when I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Didn’t need to terrify Emma with my nudity.
I put on an old show and snuggled under my new covers, wishing I had a pet of some kind to snuggle. A dog, a cat, I didn’t really care. Just something cute and furry to keep me company and sleep in my bed. Of course, with all my luck I’d get an animal that would hate cuddling and would destroy all my shit. Plus, I didn’t think Emma would go for it. Pets were messy and complicated things.
I tried my meditation app, but my brain wouldn’t empty out the way I wanted it to. I couldn’t push away the thoughts and just focus on my breath, and it was getting really annoying.
All I wanted to do was relax and sleep, but my brain wasn’t letting me do that. I tried again and again to let those thoughts go, but they wouldn’t leave me alone. They weren’t even thoughts, really. Not anything fully formed; just little bits ofsomethingthat kept whizzing by.
A few minutes later, there was a knock at my door. It could only be one person, because a murderer probably wouldn’t knock.
“Yeah?” I asked, and the door opened a crack and Emma poked her head in.
“I can’t sleep. I don’t know why. Can I hang out with you for a little bit?” I scrambled to sit up.
“Uh, sure.” She sat on the end of my bed, crossing her legs and grabbing one of my pillows to hold onto.
“Something on your mind? You should use my meditation app,” I said. Not that it had been working for me.
“I’m just thinking about all this change and how okay with it I am. You know me, I don’t like it when things are different.” Yes, I did know. I’d been witness to more than one of Emma’s breakdowns when we were kids and something was different. It was one of the reasons I was so shocked when she actually quit her job and enrolled in school. I had the feeling she’d had a few breakdowns over that, but she’d hidden them from me.
“I know, but you’re doing so awesome. I’m really proud of you and so grateful that I’m here. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is that I’m not listening to Eddie banging her horrible boyfriend and him asking if he could jizz on her face.” We both shuddered.
“You’re not going to hear that here, that’s for sure,” Emma said with a little laugh. “You can bring people here, you know. If you wanted to. This is your apartment and if you wanted to bring someone home, you could. Just so you know.” Her voice was quiet and she pulled at a thread on my pillow, twirling it around her finger once it came free.
“Oh, okay. I mean, same for you? Not that you need my permission or anything.” Why did talking about dating always get so weird with Emma? Why couldn’t we talk about this kind of stuff?
