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Was that all she cared about? Tamping a huff of frustration, he said, “Matthew retrieved what he could. The basket is still stuck in the trees, too far up to grab it, but the silk envelope is destroyed beyond repair, I’m afraid.” Hot guilt twisted through him, mixing with certain relief. Would that finally ground her and let him cease to worry?
“Oh, no.” Her expression crumpled. Tears gathered in her eyes and fell to her cheeks. “I suppose I lost the wager.”
“It seems so. Just shy of a quarter mile. It sounds ridiculous, I know.”
“Well, drat.” Her chin quivered. That tiny tell went straight to his heart. Why couldn’t he wrap her in his arms and protect her from every bad thing? “I’ll have to marry now. No doubt Mama is beside herself with joy.” The expression on her face said she’d rather eat a bucket of snakes than wed.
Knots of anxiety pulled in his stomach, but he pushed through, for perhaps the reward was greater. “Then marry me.”
Her eyes rounded as she wiped at her cheeks with her good hand. “Are you asking, Worthington?”
He nodded. “Yes. Absolutely. I’m asking you to marry me.”
“This again.” Anne heaved out a sigh that sounded as if it came from her toes. She shoved her good hand through her tangled mass of blonde hair that had come loose from its braid. “Haven’t we got on well together to this point?”
“Yes, but…” But what? He’d fallen in love with her in such a short time without a reasonable explanation. That it might have been fate after all?
She laid her hand over his. “Let me put this into words you’ll find familiar.” When she raised her gaze to his, he didn’t see joy or answering fondness, and his stomach went into freefall. “Do you even realize you’re a risk to me, Benedict?”
“What? How do you figure?” That wasn’t what he wished to hear at all. “I’ve spent my life since returning from the war making certain I was anything except that.”
“Which is exactly my point. In doing so, you’ve buried the essence of who you are.” She laid her palm against the side of his face, and he fought the urge to burrow into her touch. “You’ve put out your spark until there’s nothing left except tightly controlled ambivalence.”
“Meaning?” He couldn’t help his frown.
“Meaning your soul has been stifled. I can’t see who you really are beneath that veneer of disciplined chance and hooded fear. That’s a risk.”
“But I—”
She shook her head. “I’m not certain I can commit to a lifetime with a man who hides from himself, who tries to be what he thinks people expect from him instead of being who he was always meant to be, despite the danger or the gamble.”
“The man I was before fear took hold and the guilt that keeps me captive,” he whispered in a choked voice, for all his dreams were crumbling before he could finish building them.
“Yes, now you’ve got it.” Anne sighed as she met his gaze again. She winced when she tried to move her left arm. “I’m sorry, Benedict. As much as I adore you, as much as what we’ve shared to this point has been incredible in many ways, I can’t in good conscience marry you at this time.”
“Is that your only excuse?” For there had to be more. This one wasn’t as solid as it could be, for everyone came up short.
“No.” Her voice wavered on that one little word. “I’m not going to stop taking risks for you. But because of that, I often put myself into danger, as you’ve said.” She paused, her jaw working as she thought over what she’d say next. “I don’t want to give you my heart and then see you watch me die due to a flight I took, or an invention I tinkered with, or a risk I entered into. I refuse to leave you with that grief.”
Now that was something he hadn’t expected. “I see.” As if she’d wielded a hammer to his chest, his heart shattered into a million pieces. “But, I love you.” At the back of his mind, he knew merely saying the words wouldn’t fix anything.
Her eyes were limpid pools as tears once more filled them. “Then love me still while you discover who you are. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Right.” Shock held him captive, and he stood slowly, moving as if he’d fallen into a vat of honey. She’d said no, had never even said she loved him. Had she used him this whole time merely to scratch a carnal itch, to pass the time between balloon flights? Never had he felt the amount of pain that radiated from his heart right now. “I want to say I understand, but I truly don’t.”
“Oh, Benedict, please don’t take it so hard. I never meant to hurt you.”
Since his heart was shattered, he didn’t know how he should feel about her refusal, but he couldn’t let it go. “What are you so afraid of, Anne? A woman doesn’t turn a man down—twice—especially if there are shared feelings between them, if she wasn’t running scared.”
“Why do you assume I’m afraid?”
“I can see it deep in your eyes, and I’m something of an excerpt on that emotion, remember?” Benedict couldn’t keep the bitterness from his voice. “Please, tell me.”
Grief lined her face to mix with the pain. “Failing my brother’s memory,” she admitted in a barely audible whisper.
If his heart hadn’t been shattered, he would have lost a piece of it to her. Now there was a crack in her armor. It made her more approachable. “He’s dead, love. Aaron can’t know of your life, but you’re only a failure if you stop trying. We both know you won’t do that.”
A tear fell to her cheek. He steeled himself against that crystalline drop. Her gaze implored him to understand. “I’m also frightened of falling.”
