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“Of course, he does.” The dowager relaxed her stiff stance a little. “His parents weren’t the most affectionate lot; his first fiancée was a harlot.”
First fiancée?Julie’s head shot up in surprise and confusion, and the dowager’s face lit up with a satisfied smirk. Julie couldn’t identify the feeling that gripped her at the thought of Clydesdale being betrothed to another woman.
“Yes,” the dowager continued in an offhand manner, “since he loved her, it was a hard blow when the wedding was canceled. Not that I was surprised, but nobody ever listens to what I have to say.”
Julie doubted that, but her mind was stubbornly stuck on the dowager’s previous words.He loved her.Julie felt sick in the stomach.
“I guess he never recovered from that. So, he picked the only woman he could find who wouldn’t give him the illusion of love, warmth, and family.” The dowager lowered her eyes to her plate. She put a piece of tart in her mouth before chewing slowly as if contemplating the taste. “He detests baked fruit,” she said with her usual grimace of distaste thrown toward Julie.
Julie pushed her plate away from her, all the thoughts and unknown feelings simmering inside her. “If you’ll excuse me, I am not hungry anymore,” she said, getting up from her chair.
“You are excused,” came the dowager’s stern voice.
Julie hurried away from the room, feeling shame, anger, bitterness, and some other unknown feeling clutching at her heart. She ran into the library and sat by the hearth for hours, staring at the fire and repeatedly thinking of all the things that the dowager duchess had said to her.
She was right. Of course, the old dowager was probably always right, the type of woman who had never made a single mistake in her life. Julie, however, made plenty of mistakes. She’d married the cold and unfeeling earl, or so she thought, and didn’t even bother finding out whether there was any depth to him. She’d been surprised at his affectionate behavior toward her sister and yet she still hadn’t made any overtures to get to know him. Even when crafting the menu, she never once thought of what her husband might like to eat; she only thought of what might impress the dowager. Never had she imagined the old dragon would prefer her grandson’s favorite foods instead of expensive vegetables and fashionable fruit pies.
Then there was the matter of Clydesdale’s first fiancée.She was a harlot,the dowager had said when describing her. She understood why Clydesdale never mentioned that to her. Theirs was a marriage of convenience, and he wasn’t required to divulge information about his private life to her. Why then did she feel a strange, prickly feeling in her chest at the thought of him loving another woman? Another memory popped into Julie’s head. The deal they’d made during the yuletide. The first thing Clydesdale ever asked of her was not to cuckold him. His first bride’s betrayal must have cut him deeply. She felt compassion toward him and unexplained anger toward the unknown woman who caused him pain.
She might not love him, Julie thought resolutely, but she could definitely give him the warmth and family that he needed. She would try to become a proper wife to him, whatever that entailed. She tried to divert her thoughts from the inevitable night when she’d be expected to deliver an heir, trying to concentrate on the nights before.
The last time he came to her bed, he thought she detested him, but that wasn’t true. Even then, she was simply scared. He evoked strange feelings in her she wasn’t sure how to respond to. She thought about his large hands caressing her breasts and shivered. She might not be entirely ready to come to his bed yet, but as she thought about him, his tall frame, his frosty gray eyes, she couldn’t help but crave his presence beside her. She might even enjoy his touch. His kiss.
She wasn’t certain how to approach him and make herself act differently so he wouldn’t leave her bed again without consummating their marriage. If only she were more experienced. If she knew what to do and how to act, perhaps he wouldn’t be inclined to leave. It wasn’t like she could just ask him, could she? Julie let out a deep sigh. Maybe she was going about it all wrong. She would never feel comfortable around him if they spent no time together. Yes, she should do what she’d planned from the first and establish a friendlier relationship with her husband. And she knew just where to start.
