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“We can’t get an annulment, nobody would sanction it, we-we—”
“Don’t worry about that,” he said calmly. Too calmly for her peace of mind. “I will take care of that. Since we don’t have a child together, it won’t be as difficult to obtain. I promise you it won’t reflect upon you in any way. Or at least not more than anything already had up to this point,” he added after a brief, thoughtful pause. “If Mr. John Godfrey doesn’t mind a bit of scandal, and if that’s what you want,” he paused as if expecting her to respond.
Julie was ready to fall into a fit; her emotions were in such turmoil.
“If that’s what you want,” he continued after a pause, “then I am willing to grant you that. You deserve to be happy, so does—Mr. Godfrey.”
“And you?” was all Julie could push through past her dry throat.
“And me too,” he whispered. He stood in silence for several moments before turning to the door. “I am leaving tomorrow for Doncaster,” he said, staring at the doorknob. “I will come back as soon as I finish the things regarding the asylum there. It will give you about a fortnight to consider things with your soldier. I hope you can come to a decision by the time I come back.”
The coldest recital of her options about the potential estrangement she couldn’t even imagine. Robert talked of their annulment as if discussing whether to have fish or poultry for supper. After everything they’ve been through, couldn’t he have scrounged up a bit of emotion? To at least pretend he’d be hurt if she left him. Julie shot from the bed and paced her room back and forth. Perhaps he was tired of her. He’d had her in his bed, was probably bored with her, and now saw a golden opportunity to get rid of her.
No, Julie shook her head. She needed to be levelheaded about this, just like him, and remove emotion from this decision. Robert was practical; he needed an heir, preferably several. He wouldn’t give her up so easily just because she was boring. Not unless he’d found a replacement. Her hands hurt, so tightly fisted they were at her sides. She relaxed her stance and took several deep breaths. Open communication. That’s what they needed. She’d talk to him and ask him exactly why he valued her so little, and he’d tell her exactly what was on his mind. She stepped toward the door and froze in indecision.
She was overreacting. He wasn’t proposing annulment; he was just willing to go through it if she wished. And he was giving her time to think it through. True, if his former lover came to this townhouse claiming any rights to him, Julie would bash her over the head. Maybe him too. Then tie him to the bed, so he’d never walk out on her. She wouldn’t be amiably discussing an annulment.
Julie laughed nervously at her bitter thoughts. She made a few steps and plopped onto the bed. Since when had she become so possessive of him? Was it truly because she had developed deep feelings toward him, or was she just angry he didn’t have those feelings for her? He had saved her from her tyrant of a father, sheltered Mary, and had given her the sense of peace, of having a home, a safe haven. Perhaps she was feeling grateful. Moreover, she felt safe with him and dependent upon him. He had always made things better for her, took charge, solved all her problems.
Now that John was back, he needed the same. He needed an anchor, something to tether himself to. His own safe haven. And he was looking for that in her, his oldest friend. Robert was right. Julie needed time to consider everything. John was back. And no matter her feelings toward Robert, she had loved John most of her life. Since she was four years old. She owed him to at least consider getting back with him. She owed Robert to be sure there were no residue feelings toward John. Julie closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
* * *
Over the next several days, Julie spent time with John and Mary. They went out riding in the park, walking by the serpentine and along Bond Street. John had even come several times for dinner. Julie had missed him dearly. They’ve talked a lot about their past, remembering all the mischief they’ve been up to, all the hard times and fun times they spent together. It was as if the time turned back, and she was back at Bedford. John ran away from his family, she and Mary from theirs, and they hid away by spending time in their own little world. Everything felt the same.
And yet it wasn’t.
John was different, Julie was different, even Mary, as eternal a child as she was, had changed. They were not neighborhood children running away from their family problems. Julie had a family of her own. A husband. The one who was there for her during the most difficult times of her life. And she wanted him to be there during the best as well.
And John—After years of war, nothing was really left of the boy she once knew. He became harsher, but at the same time, haunted and troubled. Julie noted he jumped at every loud noise, looked around suspiciously at every passerby. He tended to zone out of the conversation or just stare blankly at a distance as if seeing something that was not there. His eyes were even different, haunted, surrounded by lines of fatigue and worry. He needed to be healed, pieced back together. And he could only be healed by love. Not friendship, not reminiscences, not held by the unstable anchor that was Julie’s regard for him, but the pure and present love that would pull him out of his current foggy state. And Julie could not provide that. Not with the feelings she had for her husband.
Three days before Robert’s arrival from Doncaster, Julie and John had finally gone out for a walk just the two of them, leaving Mary behind. They talked about their past again, laughing at how Julie was afraid to fall through the ice the first time John had taught her to skate. An image came to Julie’s mind unbidden. Robert gliding alongside her and taunting her to move swifter. Holding Mary gently above the ice after he saved her when she fell through. Robert’s hot hands on Julie as he kissed her, made love to her.
“I’ve lost you, haven’t I?” John’s voice broke her out of the reverie.
“My apologies,” she said smiling, “I am afraid I lost track of my own thoughts. I didn’t realize the silence grew longer.”
“That’s not what I mean,” he intoned. Julie knew what he meant, but she didn’t want to talk about that. Not yet.
“You don’t talk about the war much. It must have been hard? Would you like to talk to me about it?”
John took a deep breath. “It is hard, Julie. But you truly don’t want the answers to the questions you are asking. I don’t want to dwell on it. Especially since I am going to go back in several days.”
“You are going back?” Julie stopped and spun on him. “I thought you were selling your commission.”
“I was going to—If I had something to come home to,” he looked at her then, a feeling of deep sorrow and hope mixed in his eyes as if he’d hoped she’d be that something. That she’d still ask him to stay. For her. Julie looked away in misery. “Don’t be sorry you are happy,” he breathed. “You are happy, aren’t you?”
Julie let out a humorless laugh. “It is a complicated question, isn’t it?” She swallowed hard. “Mary is sick, my social life is in ruins, my best friend is going back to war because I haven’t kept my promise to wait for him and my husband—” Julie closed her eyes and shook her head slightly.And my husband is willing to give me an annulment without a second thought. She finished the thought to herself. There was another thing that was keeping her preoccupied. Another thing she didn’t know whether to feel happy about or to cry in horror. That seemed to be her life now, jumping from one extreme emotion to another.
“Mary has a happy life, especially the last several months from what she’d said. I am good at being a soldier. Besides, if you have waited for me, Mary would still be in the asylum. And your husband—” he paused and tilted her head up, so she met his eyes. “You love him, don’t you?” he asked gently.
Tears sprang to Julie’s eyes, unbidden. She bit her lip and nodded her head. She couldn’t speak. If she did, she’d bawl her eyes out right there on the crowded path.
“Then it’s all that matters,” he whispered.
