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Chapter 25
One month later.
Julie walked along the meadow path, the path that was all too familiar to her now. She’d been walking along the same path every day. Last month had been so unbearable that she thought she’d never get back to normal. She was barely eating; she wasn’t hungry, but she kept being ill all day long. That was not as daunting as the constant worry and weariness in the eyes of her husband. Robert always tried to feed her something. He kept sending and even bringing her food that she hadn’t a stomach to even look at, much less eat or even smell. Mary kept coming into her room, inquiring if she needed anything or for her to read something. Not being able to cheer up her own sister nagged even more on Julie’s guilt.
The constant worry and solicitousness in the voices of people she cared about suffocated her. She wanted nothing, and the last thing she needed was for them to worry over her. She wanted to be left alone. She didn’t need to feel guilty that she didn’t feel better. She just existed. And she needed to exist in this bubble of despair. Why would they not leave her alone to grieve?
So, she started each morning walking alone around the estate.
Today had been different, though. She had a lot to think about, so she turned into an unknown little trail leading into the woods.
It is a common tragedy.
The doctor’s words ringing in her head. This morning the doctor had come in for her check-up and gave her a clean bill of health.
Yes, it was common. She heard of other women losing their children, holding them in their arms, some babes who died too young. Even her own mother had lost a child and her own life in one tragic day. But how does one prepare for it? She thought the most frightening day of her life would be the day she’d be giving birth. As it turned out, the most terrifying day was the day she didn’t.
She wasn’t even that far along. She hadn’t even told Mary that she was with child. She’d be a splendid aunt, Mary. She’d be so happy to welcome the little one into the world. Julie raised her head and looked at the clear sky through the tree branches. Was it so common as to happen twice to the same woman? Was she brave enough to have another babe?
She walked and contemplated her life up till then, all the things she and Mary had been through. Everything good and everything bad. Life was a gamble. One never knew what tomorrow would bring. That shouldn’t make her afraid to live, though.
Julie scoffed to herself. She wished she were more like Mary. Easy to forgive, easy with a smile. She was open with her emotions and got through them rather quickly. Julie heaved a sigh and walked on.
* * *
Robert was stalking the length of his study like a caged beast. Julie had gone for a walk several hours ago, and she still wasn’t back yet. After the night she lost her babe, she was so withdrawn and detached that he didn’t know what to do. He tried to feed her, jest with her, talk to her. Anything to coax any emotion out of her, but she wasn’t receptive.
Today, the doctor had come and told Robert that they were free to resume their attempts at having an heir. Robert almost scoffed in the man’s face. He hadn’t lied to Julie when he said he would not even try to bed her again if she didn’t wish it. He needed her alive, and if it meant he would never share his passion with her again, well, it wouldn’t be easy, but he’d manage.
And now she just disappeared.
At that moment, he heard the front door opening and the quiet footsteps. Robert shot out of his study and into the hall. He encountered his wayward wife just as she was about to ascend the stairs. He grabbed her by the arms and brought her flush with his body, holding her tightly. Julie let out a tiny squeal and looked at him in wide-eyed innocence.
“Where the devil have you been?” he growled, looking her over. Julie’s appearance was disheveled, her clothing dirt stricken, her hair mussed, and she had some leaves in her untidy coiffure. She looked winded as if she ran for several miles.
“I—” she faltered and wiggled in his hold. Robert realized he was holding her too tightly and probably hurting her, so he relaxed his grip. “I went for a walk, you know that.” Julie placed her palms on the lapels of his coat as if to placate him.
Robert’s heat started rising to the surface. The anger of worrying over his wife, the grief she didn’t let him share with her, the unspent passion. He grabbed her once again and placed a hard kiss on her mouth. Instead of drawing away, Julie softened under his onslaught. Her hands were in his hair, stroking him, not in seduction, but in comfort. The comfort he’d no idea he needed. Robert growled and set her gently aside.
“You’ve been out for hours. I’ve been worried sick! I’ve sent footmen to look for you all over the estate!”
“I know, and I am sorry.” Julie placed her hand against his cheek, stroking it gently with her thumb; Robert couldn’t help but lean into her touch. God, how he’d missed her touch. “I am better now,” she said quietly.
Robert huffed a breath of disbelief. “Let me call off the search party for you. Go to your room and… change. Your gown is wet to its knees. Where in the blazes were you walking?”
Julie looked down at her clothing and let out a short laugh as if she just noticed the extent of her disheveled state. Robert caught himself staring. He hadn’t heard her laugh for weeks.
“I’ll be in my rooms,” she said and ventured up the steps.
Robert almost didn’t want to let her go. What if by the time he got to her room, she’d be back to her gloomy self?
Several minutes later, Robert found himself dragging her feet to her bed-chamber. He was about to enter her room, but he paused as he heard voices coming from the inside. He hovered outside the room, uncertain when the door opened, and Alice nearly ran into him.
“Pardon, My Lord,” the girl curtsied and hurried away from him, giggling.
Robert frowned at the maid before entering the room. What he saw made him halt at once. Julie, his wife, the same wife who’d locked herself away for over a month, was now standing in front of a looking glass wearing a dark blue evening gown.
“You look beautiful,” he said. His breath still caught in his lungs.
