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Chapter 7
Sam fanned herself vigorously as she stood on the sidelines watching the ball. Isabel was chatting with the dowagers, her brothers were somewhere in the cardroom, and she was strangely left unchaperoned in the corner of the room. Not that she intended to go anywhere. She was grateful to not have to dance during this heat.
“Riveting performance, isn’t it?” a grave masculine voice murmured beside her. She turned and saw Ashbury standing next to her, observing the ballroom scene. “During the war, what I wouldn’t have given to see a ball just one more time. Now, I can’t stand the crowds long enough to enjoy it,” he said, still not taking his gaze off the dancing couples.
Sam turned toward the ballroom as well, watching the scene. They were quiet for a moment after that. She felt comfortable around Ashbury. The silence wasn’t daunting either, and she was loath to break it, but she had Evie to think about first and foremost.
“Have you talked to Evie yet?” she asked after a brief pause.
“No, but that’s the sole reason I came here.” Ashbury shifted closer, and she felt a warm tingle up her arm where his almost brushed hers. A tickle appeared low in her belly and goosebumps traveled up her arm. Sam swallowed.
“You will insist upon an answer,” she said quietly.
“Yes, and as much as I admire your enthusiasm in trying to find a replacement groom for your friend—”
Samantha winced at his matter-of-fact tone. Of course, Lady Clydesdale told him about the dinner and her failed attempt at bringing Evie and Adam together.
“—I need to marry an heiress and I need to do it soon.” He raked his hand through his hair. “Miss Samantha, I actually sympathize with both you and your friend, but you don’t know how dire my circumstances are. ”
“What if I find you another bride instead?” Sam asked enthusiastically, and he laughed.
“Like you found a groom for your friend? I think I’ll have to pass, but thank you.”
“Well, I happen to know a lot more ladies than I do gentlemen. And most of them wouldn’t care for a loveless marriage. And why are you so against love, anyway?” she rambled on.
Lord Ashbury thought for a while before answering. “I am not against love. I just don’t believe myself capable. And even more so, I don’t believe anybody capable of loving me.”
“Oh, what a pile of rubbish,” she said evenly.
“Pardon me?” Ashbury seemed startled by her reply.
“I said, it is absolute nonsense. How can you know if someone is capable of loving you or not? Especially if you don’t even try!”
“It’s a long story,” he sighed.
“It’s a long evening,” she countered. “Would you care for a stroll about the room?”
Ashbury looked around at the crowded ballroom, his brow furrowed. “How about a stroll about the garden instead?”
Sam looked out at the French doors not far from where they stood. People were about, and the garden seemed lit. “Very well,” she said and took his proffered arm. She felt him tense when she laid her fingers on his arm, muscles bunching under her touch.
They proceeded through the French doors onto a patio and farther into the garden. Several couples were strolling along or sitting on the stone benches. It was a warm spring evening and people were enjoying the rare, beautiful weather.
After several paces in silence, Samantha finally broke it. “So tell me this long story.”
He looked at her for a long moment before letting out a deep sigh. “I told you earlier about Julie and me. We were in love, but she was forced to marry another. It was an unfortunate circumstance, but because of that, she now has a caring and loving family.” He paused. “When all this happened, I was broken and miserable. I had no more reason to live. I went on suicide missions, I fought like a madman, not caring what happened to me. Then there was Badajoz.”
“What happened in Badajoz?” Sam asked quietly. Her heart constricted at the name. That was where Ben had lost his life.
“I got injured. Badly. I spent weeks in a hospital, lying with a high fever, praying for the Lord to finally take me. But I didn’t die. I survived. It was the most horrible massacre I’ve ever encountered in my life. I’ve never been the same since.” He shook his head. “I still dream of that battle, of my comrades dying, of enemies approaching. I have violent tendencies that don’t allow me to sleep at night. I’ve never told this to anyone before, but I feel you should know. I am not fit company to any lady. Nobody can love as broken a man as I am.”
Sam swallowed. She appreciated his candidness. No one had ever spoken to her that way about the war. Not even Ben. Everyone was trying to shield her from the horrors, hiding the truth. At the same time, this made an unpleasant feeling settle low in her belly.If Ben came back, is this how he would feel?
“I am quite certain you’re mistaken about that,” she said. But her voice came out hoarse.
John smiled sadly. “I am quite certain you don’t understand what you are speaking about. And you should be glad of it.”
“You said you didn’t want to live you were hurt so badly. And yet you survived. How did you come out of the dark mood you were in?”
