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Chapter 23
With soaking wet capri pants, I walk up the track back to the cottage – the cut on my leg stings from the salt water. I waded into the waves to look for my watch, worried I had littered the sea, but, of course, I couldn’t find it. Ted’s cab is gone from the drive. I let myself into the cottage and strip off my wet clothes, lying down on the bed naked.
I turn on my phone and it lights up with messages. There are two photos from Jasper, one he took of us together on the boat and the other a large Victoria sponge covered in strawberries.
I’m sorry if I didn’t say the right thing earlier. Can I make it up to you with cake? Just let me know, I’ll come get you.
His message makes me smile, and then feel incredibly guilty. I told him I needed time alone, then used that time to kiss another man. Here is Jasper, perfect, gorgeous Jasper, no games, no ‘playing it cool’ before texting me. He is everything I said I wanted. But now I’ve gone and confused everything by jumping on Ted. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking.
My phone rings, Dee – she will be able to tell me if I’m a terrible person or not.
‘Hey,’ she says, ‘you OK? Your gran called me. She told me about your parents. So, your aunt was right? I’m so sorry, are you OK? Are you back tomorrow? Do you want to come straight to mine?’
Dee is one of the few people who knew my mum well, and she’s as surprised as I am by this revelation. As we talk about it, I find my anger at being lied to has already mellowed. Instead, I feel sad that Mum felt the need to hide the truth. She was a romantic, and I am sorry that she didn’t get the happily ever after she wanted.
Dee is worried about me being out here on my own. I reassure her I am not – that I’ve spent the morning with Jasper, and then Ted. Then I end up filling her in on everything that’s happened since we last spoke on the phone in Jasper’s bathroom.
‘Right,’ says Dee, sounding confused. ‘So Ted is the weirdy beardy old taxi driver, right?’
‘No, well, yes, but he’s shaved now and he’s not weird, or even that old. He’s pretty wonderful, in fact.’
‘Yesterday, you thought Jasper was your soulmate – the one the universe has been leading you to, the person you have everything in common with. And this morning he took you on an amazing day date and you had a lovely time? Am I getting this right?’
I let out a frustrated sigh.
‘I did have a lovely time with Jasper.’ I squeeze my eyes closed. ‘And Ted kind of ran away after kissing me, and it doesn’t even make sense that I like him in that way.’
‘So, to recap,’ says Dee, ‘it’s a choice between perfect, compatible, available Jasper who sounds fully into you and is everything you said you were looking for in a man, or hairy old beard guy who’s technically married and runs away after kissing you.’
‘Well, when you say it like that …’ I groan.
‘Hmmm, sounds like a tough decision,’ Dee says sarcastically.
‘But this kiss, Dee! This kiss!’
‘Unsuitable men always kiss better, everyone knows that. Laura, I’m sorry, but it sounds to me like you are looking for reasons to ruin things with Jasper. You were so sure he was the one yesterday. You were sure, even when you only had his luggage to go on, but now he’s gorgeous, interested, and single too!’
‘I know,’ I say with a sigh.
‘Do you remember Aaron Sargent? Who you dumped because he put the handbrake on at junctions, and Jamie Johnson, who got ditched for buying you a naff teddy bear with “I’m Yours” written on the front?’
‘Look, I don’t think this is a “Laura’s being too fussy” situation.’
‘What about that blind date guy?’ Dee goes on. ‘Vanya’s friend, who you discounted because he didn’t drink hot drinks?’
‘OK, that was bizarre, though. Who doesn’t drink hot drinks?’
Dee’s tone softens. ‘You know, sometimes, when people are sad, they don’t think they deserve happiness.’
‘I’m not sad, Dee,’ I say sharply. ‘Well, I might be sad about some stuff, but it doesn’t mean I’m intrinsically sad – I’m not broken.’
‘I’m not saying you’re broken, I just… This quest for the perfect guy, maybe it’s always been about the quest, never the destination. Maybe you don’t really want anyone to fill that space in your life,’ Dee pauses. ‘And that’s fine too, Laura. You are allowed to be enough for yourself. You can be on your own if that’s what you want. But at least consider that you kibosh guys before giving them a proper chance.’
Anger spikes in my chest. I’ve had this lecture from Dee before. She just wants everything to be simple, clear-cut, like life has been for her. She’s never been on a bad date, never felt lonely or left behind, because she’s marrying her first boyfriend. Just because I’ve been dating for years, waiting for the right person, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, does it?
‘I don’t think that’s fair, Dee. Just because I didn’t settle for the first guy…’ I let the sentence trail, instantly regretting my choice of words. ‘Look, maybe you’re right. All the stuff with Mum has got me—’
‘You think I settled for Neil?’ Dee asks sharply.
