Page 42 of Before I Do


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‘That does sound interesting.’

‘It is. Though I’m stuck on a tedious project right now. There’s an innovative new tidal project I’d love to be a part of, but I don’t have the hours.’

‘Why don’t you ask if you can move? Give the boring project to someone else.’

Josh smiled. ‘It doesn’t really work like that.’

‘If you don’t ask, you don’t get.’ Audrey shrugged. ‘They might not know you’re so interested in this new one. Is the tree planting related to your work?’

Josh shook his head, gazing out of the window at the street.

‘No, that’s just a side project I do in my own time.’ He paused. ‘I read somewhere that if everyone on the planet planted a hundred and sixty trees, we’d be able to cancel out a decade of CO2 emissions. I was aiming to do just that, but I reached that number last year, so set myself a new goal.’

‘You’re making me feel bad I haven’t planted any, I can’t even keep a house plant alive.’

‘Well, I’ll plant one for you next time I go,’ he said, running a hand through his hair.

‘Can you call it Cuthbert?’

‘You don’t usually get to name it,’ he said, his eyes dancing with amusement. ‘Though I do sometimes write my initials on the support stake. I’ll put your name and Cuthbert’s on the next one I plant.’ He paused, tapping a finger against his coffee cup. ‘Tell me more about you, Audrey. What do you get up to when you’re not charting the wonders of the solar system?’

She ruffled her hair, letting it fall in front of her face.

‘I don’t think I’ve found my calling in life yet. I’ve jumped around a lot. I’m currently working in a gallery and a bar, plus I do a bit of freelance photography work. I guess it’s like trying on jeans, I haven’t found my perfect fit yet.’ She paused. ‘Hillary used to call me the Weather Girl because I’m so changeable.’ Josh was listening to her with rapt attention. ‘Kelly must be pretty driven, if she’s doing a PhD at her age?’

‘She is.’ Josh nodded. ‘She’s a couple of years older than me, though.’

‘Things are going well with you two then?’

‘She remembers my name most days, so that’s something.’ Josh’s teasing eyes lingered on hers, and Audrey gently nudged his foot beneath the table.

‘Jeans shopping today, ring shopping tomorrow?’ She said it in a light voice but then regretted it immediately. Asking about his girlfriend felt like picking a scab she knew she should leave well alone. To his credit, Josh didn’t flinch or look horrified as most men their age would have. He simply said, ‘Not quite yet.’

‘But you want that? Marriage, kids, a semi-detached with a patio on the commuter belt?’

‘Of course,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘I would love to have a family one day, a home of my own.’

The simplicity of his reply wrongfooted her. She was used to men who ran a mile at any suggestion of settling down. All the drummers and poets and performance artists who railed against conformity, who wouldn’t be pinned down to a third date, let alone a committed relationship.

‘How about you, are you seeing anyone? How about that guy from the Sausage Fandango?’ Josh asked, his eyes back on his coffee spoon.

‘Oh, no.’ Audrey let out a sharp laugh. ‘Too busy with my PhD in cleaning beer glasses. I’m doing my dissertation on anti-streaking techniques.’ He frowned slightly, as though reluctant to join in with her self-effacing joke. ‘I don’t think I’d ever have the guts to get married,’ she said, as much to herself as to him.

‘Why do you say that?’

‘How can you ever be sure it’s the right person? My mum is on her fifth marriage, and every time she falls in love, she’s so sure.’ Audrey paused. ‘“’Til death do us part” just feels like a lot, you know?’

‘We can just stick to ’til the end of our coffee do us part then, if you like,’ he said, and she bit back a grin.

‘Seriously though, why would anyone get married in this day and age?’

Josh paused for a moment, properly contemplating the question. ‘Because it’s the biggest commitment you can make to one another. It’s a declaration to the world that this is your person, the one you love, body and soul. It’s saying that no matter what life throws at you both, you are going to be there, holding each other’s hand every step of the way.’ Josh’s eyes flickered with some inner fire. ‘In this cynical world, isn’t there something wonderful about the pure, unbridled optimism of marriage? To stand up and say, screw the odds, I’m pinning my colours to the mast, bright and bold, because if you’re going to commit to anything in this life, shouldn’t it be love?’

Wow. She had not expected such an earnest answer. Audrey couldn’t look Josh in the eye as her entire body pulsed with some new feeling she was struggling to identify.

‘Well, you’ve sold me. I’m more than happy to commit to another cup of coffee now, maybe even a slice of cake. But if we fight over it, we’ll have to get a lawyer to split it down the middle.’ He laughed. ‘And you have to be daring and order something that’s not black coffee this time. Deal?’

‘Fine.’ He smiled and the tone of their conversation lightened again.

They talked for hours. Audrey lost track of time. Talking to Josh felt like experiencing a catalogue of emotions all at once – he was fun and teasing, but also serious and insightful. He appeared genuinely interested in everything she had to say. There was a clear edge of flirtation, but never so much as to be inappropriate. Audrey felt the beam of his attention like a heat lamp on a cold day. When he eventually said he had to go, it felt like the lamp going out, a cold draught blowing in.

In the street, as they said goodbye, it felt suddenly awkward between them. Part of her felt like it would be normal to swap numbers, to be able to text him later and ask how the jeans were received, but another part of her didn’t think it’d be appropriate. Would it feel like overstepping if there weren’t this fizz between them? Did he feel it too?

‘Good luck,’ she said instead, handing him the bag of jeans, which had been sitting beneath her feet at the table. ‘They really do look great on you.’

‘Thank you, Audrey,’ he replied, his gaze lingering on her face for just a moment too long before he disappeared into the flow of pedestrians walking towards Covent Garden tube. That extra second of eye contact told her he did. He felt the fizz too.

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