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‘Well, I told you the shoe story,’ he said, lifting his gaze to meet hers. ‘Your heart’s mine now, Lavery.’
Though she knew he was joking, Audrey felt her heart beat harder in her chest as though it had heard his words.
They talked until the restaurant closed. Audrey discovered Josh was not the man she had pegged him to be. He was not from the same privileged background as most of Paul’s Cambridge friends. He’d been to a grammar school, then gone to university on a rugby scholarship. He talked about his education as something he was grateful for. People who took their privilege for granted didn’t do that. He had this attentive way of listening when she spoke, as though he was storing every word. When she couldn’t decide between two dishes on the menu, he said he would order her second choice and they could swap if she preferred the look of his. At the end of the night, he walked her all the way back to her front door.
‘Can I kiss you?’ he asked.
Audrey had never been asked that by a man before. She didn’t think most men would think to ask.
‘I don’t know, can you?’ she flirted. ‘You told me off last time I tried to kiss you.’
He smiled at that, leaning into the challenge, and she inhaled the intoxicating smell of him, the warmth of his breath the moment before his lips made contact with hers. His kiss was firm and confident, like the kiss at the wedding, but slower, less urgent. As his tongue probed beyond her lips, Audrey felt light-headed, she didn’t want to be out on the cold doorstep, she wanted to be inside, in her warm bed.
‘Come in,’ she whispered, gently biting his lower lip.
‘Not tonight,’ he said, and she felt a sharp stab of rejection in her chest. Why wouldn’t he come up, when tonight had gone so well? ‘Can I see you tomorrow?’
‘Tomorrow?’ She looked at her watch. ‘It’s already tomorrow,’ she said, tugging his shirt collar. He shook his head, though he seemed torn.
‘I’ll text you later today, then. Thank you for tonight, Audrey, I had a wonderful evening.’
Then he leaned in to kiss her one more time before turning to walk back towards the tube station. Audrey was left rather bemused, the taste of him still on her lips, her body tingling with unrequited desire.
Inside, Paul was still up, watching a documentary about wine production.
‘How was your date with Jooosh?’ he asked.
‘Good,’ she said, but her face must have shown confusion.
‘What?’
‘Well, he just came halfway across London to walk me home, but then he didn’t want to come in.’
Paul laughed. ‘Not every guy wants to get laid on the first date, Auds.’
‘Don’t they?’ she asked, still confused.
‘Well, clearly most men do. Josh might be the exception to the rule. He doesn’t sleep with women until he’s in a “committed relationship”.’
‘What? Paul, you could have told me that! I’ve just come across as a complete floozy trying to get him to come in!’
‘You are a complete floozy.’
‘That’s not the point.’
Audrey started as Miranda walked in behind her, wearing Paul’s pyjamas and carrying two cups of tea.
‘Hey, sorry, I didn’t know you were here,’ Audrey said, hoping Miranda hadn’t heard that conversation about her brother.
‘Sorry my brother isn’t as slutty as I am.’ Miranda laughed.
‘Thanks for telling me she was here, Paul.’ Audrey covered her face with her hand.
‘Oh, don’t worry about it.’ Miranda said, putting a hand on Audrey’s shoulder as she walked past.
Paul switched off the TV, and Miranda cuddled in beside him on the sofa.
‘She likes him, I can tell, and Audrey never likes anyone,’ Paul said, then turned back to Audrey at the door. ‘I can see you guys together, you know. He needs someone fun like you, and you need someone solid and decent, well-endowed in the trouser department.’ Paul hugged a sofa cushion in his lap and gave her a devilish grin.
‘Okay, I definitely don’t need to have that image in my mind,’ said Miranda with a grimace. Audrey picked up a cushion and threw it at Paul, then turned to go upstairs.
‘We played rugby together. I promise Josh is worth waiting for,’ Paul called after her, ignoring Miranda’s squeals of disgust.
Could Audrey see herself dating Josh? She hadn’t thought that far ahead. Until tonight, she’d just pegged him as some illogical crush she’d developed. Sure, she fancied him, she enjoyed his company, but she hadn’t imagined being in a relationship with him. Josh was sensible, conservative, old-fashioned somehow; he had a very clear idea of what he wanted out of life. She was none of those things. They were certainly not the same soul, split in two, inhabiting different bodies. He wasn’t anything like – well, like Fred.
Her mind danced straight back to that name, and she shook her head in irritation. It had been three years. Was she still hoping that some cosmic thread was going to bring him back into her life somehow? Or was Fred just the excuse her mind always made to stop her heart from making itself vulnerable again?
As she lay awake in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, she realised that her date with Josh was the first date she’d had in years that she genuinely hadn’t wanted to end. She’d wanted to talk more, listen more, kiss more, feel more of that molten desire. She also knew that the more you let yourself feel things, the more power you gave someone else to crush you. These were the feelings that destabilised everything.
