Page 77 of Before I Do


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Later in the meal, Audrey excused herself to go to the loo. In the hall, she overheard Harriet whispering to her friend Ester as they shared a cigarette on the front step.

‘I miss Kelly. She was so fun at things like this,’ whispered Ester.

‘I just can’t see her appeal. She must be great in bed,’ said Harriet.

‘If it’s that, I’m sure he’ll get bored of her soon.’ Ester sighed. ‘Then he’ll realise the perfect person was right under his nose all along.’ Harriet cut her off with a loud ‘Shhh’ as they heard movement inside the house.

Rather than going back upstairs to the dinner table, Audrey found herself walking down, towards the back door and out into the small garden behind Ben and Dee’s flat. It was a warm, clear night, and the grass beneath her feet felt dry. She lay down on the ground and looked up at the moon, visually mapping the constellations she could see. There was something so comforting in the familiarity of those shapes in the sky. She wondered what an alternate version of her was doing out there. Was she lying on similar grass, looking up, just as she was now? Had alternate Audrey found her calling in life? Was she studying astronomy? Was she dating Josh?

Audrey lost all sense of how much time had passed, until she saw Josh, standing over her, looking down in complete bemusement.

‘What are you doing out here?’ he asked.

‘Oh, sorry,’ she said.

‘You’ve been gone half an hour. You missed dessert.’

‘Oops.’

He shook his head in incomprehension as he reached out a hand to help her up.

They went inside and said their goodbyes.

In the cab home, Josh was uncharacteristically quiet. He usually made a point of chatting to the driver.

‘I lost track of time,’ Audrey muttered, reluctant to tell him about the conversation she’d overheard between his friends.

‘Do you know how strange that looked, when Dee glanced out of the window and saw you lying in the garden?’

‘You do strange things in front of my friends too, you know,’ she said defensively.

‘What have I ever done that’s strange?’

Audrey racked her brain for an example. ‘You alphabetise your cookbooks.’

‘What?’ Josh flung out his arms, and Audrey noticed the cab driver give them an amused look in the rear-view mirror.

‘You do!’ Audrey said, interpreting the gesture as denial.

‘It helps me find what I’m looking for, and that’s not something I do in front of your friends.’

‘Well, I told my friends about it, and they think it’s strange. They also think it’s strange you buy special de-ionised ironing water, and that you have a swiper to clean the shower after you’ve used it.’

‘Okay, Audrey.’ Josh shook his head and pulled a hand through his hair. They sat in silence again, until the cab driver said, ‘I use that de-ionised water for ironing. It extends the lifespan of the iron.’

‘Thank you!’ said Josh, and then he and Audrey caught each other’s eye and couldn’t help smiling.

‘I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends,’ she said, suddenly contrite.

‘You could never embarrass me.’ He sighed. ‘I was just worried about you.’

‘I had a headache. It came on suddenly and it was painful to talk to people; I just needed some air,’ she said.

‘Why didn’t you just tell me that?’ His eyes were all concern, and he reached for her hand. She shrugged. She didn’t want to admit to the insecurities that some of his friends brought out in her. She didn’t want to listen to the nagging concern that their little universe for two would not be enough.

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