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‘I love it,’ she said.
‘I wasn’t sure. I deliberated for days.’
Damn. Too late to retract.
‘Ooh, great menu,’ she said, looking at the thick folder in front of her. ‘Tempura chilli oyster, kohlrabi scallops, squid risotto – this is literally heaven.’
‘I knew you’d love it.’ Josh reached for her hand.
‘Can we bottle this moment? Before we look at the prices.’ She made a comical grimace.
‘Don’t think about it. It’s not every day you get engaged.’
‘I’m just going to nip to the ladies before we choose,’ she said, leaning in to kiss him as she stood up. As she walked away from the table, she felt a warm glow as though experiencing some internal hug. Did she deserve to be this happy? Had she ever imagined she’d be coming back from this holiday engaged? As she looked around at the incredible setting, she had to concede that Josh’s ‘planning approach’ had some benefits.
The quickest way to the ladies’ was along the garden walkway, framed by a pergola covered in bright red bougainvillea. She turned to look further into the garden and that’s when she saw it, down by the carp pond, a sculpture she recognised – a huge golden flower made of petals that looked like breasts. The sight of it sent a physical jolt of pain into her gut. Her eyes darted around in panic, as though Benedict might actually be there, her body unable to separate him from his work.
Audrey clutched her stomach and hurried to the hotel lobby, following the signs to the loos. Logically, she knew Benedict wasn’t there. It was only his sculpture, the exact sculpture he had shown her in his gallery all those years before – Bloom. As she sat in a cubicle, her heart racing, she felt the beginnings of a panic attack – her palms grew sweaty, the lights were too bright, the taps too loud.
She stumbled out of the toilets, her head spinning. Looking out at the packed restaurant and the busy terrace beyond, the challenge of walking past all these people and back to her table felt insurmountable. All she could hear was Benedict’s voice in her mind, reminding her that karma would come for her in the end, that the universe had not forgotten what she had done, the lives she had ruined. She turned, walked back along the corridor leading away from the restaurant, and went out of the front door. She made her way around the side of the building and found a quiet, empty patio. She found a chair and sat with her head between her knees and tried to breathe.
Thoughts piled in, one on top of another. Wasn’t it strange that Benedict’s sculpture was here, on the very night she was celebrating her engagement? It felt like some prophetic warning. Quod severis metes – ‘As you sow, so shall you reap’. Why had she said yes? Weren’t they happy as they were? Why was Josh asking her now?She didn’t even know who she was yet, what if she changed and Josh didn’t like who she became? What if there was someone better out there for Josh, someone kinder, more intelligent, less selfish? What if Audrey never managed to unstick whatever it was that was stuck inside her? What if she was just like her mother? She closed her eyes, furious with her chaotic mind for sucking all the light out of this perfect day, like some monstrous black hole.
She sat up in the chair and tipped her head back to look up at the sky, her breath ragged as she searched for stability in her beloved stars.
