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But Lottie just shook her head. “It’s more than that.”
Are you so certain of her love for you? Of what she can withstand? She won’t fully inherit for five more years. Until then you will havenothing.
“Fine. I didn’t write because I didn’t think you cared.” It was somewhat closer to the truth. “And you were entertaining suitors as soon as I left.”
She could be married by the end of the season. If you have any affection for her at all, you won’t deny her this chance to find happiness.
Lottie sucked in a sharp breath. “How can you say that? I was heartbroken when I found out what happened. How you justleftwithout a word.”
The remains of his wretched little heart lifted at the revelation, but it was too late now. He had made his bed long ago.
“And even if you didn’t know how I—I felt about you,” she continued as her voice began to break, “we werefriends, Alec. You didn’t even say goodbye.”
If you leave now, I will do everything in my power to help your career. But if you try to contact her in any way, at any time, so help me God, I willruinyou.
It had been an impossible choice, but one he had made all the same. But as Alec stared at Lottie’s anguished face he wondered, and not for the first time, if he had chosen poorly. Guilt ripped through him, tearing open the long-scarred wounds where his love for her had once blossomed. Giving up the chance to court her properly had been agonizing, but it was losing her friendship that had left him a shell of a man. He pushed it all down as far as it would go—all the sorrow, all the regret, all the desire—just as he had been doing for the past five years. What remained of him wasn’t worth her attentions.
Alec gave her a bland look. “Then I suggest you let my actions speak for me in this case.”
“I did,” she growled as she slid off the dressing table. “ForyearsI did.” Then she flashed him the same defiant look she had that first day on the terrace, when she proudly revealed her plan for ruination. “But you should have continued to keep your distance then, if you wanted to keep up the pretense.”
She was right, of course.
Alec’s tenuous control slipped even further. “You think too much of yourself. Do you know what our friendship was born of, Lottie? Convenience. Proximity,” he spat the words, repeating the same ones Sir Alfred had said to him five years ago.
Do you think you wouldeverhave been allowed to consort with someone like her otherwise?
“You were so lonely, so desperate, you would have been friends withanyonewho paid you the least bit of attention. What we had was not a true friendship. It was an obligation. And I was glad when I could finally be rid of it.”
Of all the things he had said and done in his wicked life, that was the cruelest.
“You’relying,” she whispered angrily as tears filled her eyes.
“I have always been a liar, Lottie,” he said. “You just didn’t want to see it.”
She shook her head. “No, no. He already stole fiveyearsfrom us. Don’t give him our past, too. You don’t owe him that.”
“I owe himeverything!” Alec roared. “The clothes on my back, the food in my belly, the very thoughts in my head. He paid for it. All of it. Foryears. And don’t think he ever let me forget it. That is the veryleastof what I owe him.”
“But—this house,” she stammered. “Your parents didn’t leave this to you?”
He uttered a dark laugh. Unlike her, Alec’s parents were unable to leave him a vast fortune. “They were renters. My mother had no money of her own, and my father spent most of his life deeply in debt. He died a pauper. This house was my reward for Turkey. For having a bullet driven through my flesh. For taking a life. All in service toyouruncle.”
“I don’t understand—”
“Yes,” he snapped. “How could you possibly understand what it’s like to be disowned by your own flesh and blood. Beholden to someone else. Someone who didn’t evenwantyou?”
“Iwanted you!” She pressed her palm against her chest. “Do you think I never felt lonely, or unwanted? Like a burden to Sir Alfred?”
“It wasn’t the same,” he insisted. “You are hisniece. He loves you.”
“But youwereloved,” she cried. “By me.” Then she flung herself into his arms. His traitorous hands immediately gripped her. “And I love you still. We loveeach other.”
Every word felt as if someone was plunging a butcher’s knife deep into his heart. Over and over and over. She wouldn’t stop. She would never stop. Not until he burned everything between them to ash.
Yes, he wanted to say.Yes, but love isn’t enough.
Hislove wasn’t enough.
