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“Alec, you didn’t—”
He held up a finger to her lips. “Please, just listen before you say anything. I know I don’t deserve such an indulgence, but I’ve had a long time to think on everything these last few days.
“It would be so easy to blame all my troubles on Sir Alfred, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling angry or bitter over the mistakes of others.” He paused as his eyes lingered on her face. “Or continue letting those mistakes dictate my life. Like I did five years ago.”
Lottie had to take a long breath before she could speak, and even then her voice still trembled. “What do you mean?”
Alec tilted her chin once more, and the tenderness in his gaze was as intoxicating as it was terrifying. “What you said in Venice. You were right about everything. About me. I spent all these years trying to make myself forget you. Trying to force everything I ever felt for you into nothingness.” Lottie tried to glance away, but Alec stopped her. “But it didn’t work. Lottie, itneverworked.” He began to gently stroke her cheek and she remembered to breathe. “The morning after your ball, I came to Sir Alfred and asked to court you properly. I said that though I had always loved you, at some point I had falleninlove with you. Irrevocably.” His words were strangely humbling. How long she had ached to hear them. Lottie reached up and covered his hand with her own. Alec cleared his throat and looked away. “But then I walked away at the first sign of trouble.”
Lottie couldn’t stand the guilt that now seemed to consume him. “You weredeceived.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he insisted. “Sir Alfred said I could have told him to go to hell that day, and he was right. I could have told you the truth about my parents as soon as I found out, but I ran instead. I chose to put my life in danger rather than reveal any weakness to you. I told myself I was doing what was best for you. That it was a sacrifice. But I didn’t trust you to accept me. Because I was a coward. And I didn’t deserve you for that reason alone. Never mind the hundred other ones.” He raked a desperate hand through his hair, further rumpling the already disheveled waves. It looked as if he had barely slept in days. Just like her.
“I’ve spent all these years thinking—knowing—I wasn’t good enough for you. I always blamed it on things beyond my control—my circumstances, your uncle, my parents. But it was my fault all along.” He let out a weary sigh. “I let other people’s opinions determine our future when I should have fought for you. For us. Instead, I diminished your feelings and ignored my own. And I will always consider that the greatest mistake of my life.”
“Oh, Alec,” Lottie whispered thickly. She could not let him shoulder this burden alone. “I should have made more of an effort to understand your silence about your past instead of taking it so personally. I don’t blame you for keeping the truth about your parents to yourself. You were in an impossible position.”
“It’s no excuse,” he burst out, turning away in anger. “I destroyedeverythingbetween us that morning in your uncle’s study. Then again in Venice. And I wish to God I could take it all back. To start over with you, but I can’t––”
“You’re being much too hard on yourself.”
He stubbornly shook his head, still refusing to look at her. “Butyouwould never have done that.”
Impossible man.
“Only because I never had the chance to!” Lottie let out a frustrated cry as she reached for him. “I’d like to believe that I would have accepted you without worry five years ago. That I wouldn’t have cared about your parents or my reputation. That I would have taken Uncle Alfred’s disappointment in stride and run off with you. But I was a different girl then. And more concerned with what people thought of me than I’d like to admit.”
She gripped his shoulders and forced him to meet her eyes. He was no longer the boyish young gentleman who had wooed her one evening. The careworn man that stared back had a few more wrinkles and had likely seen things she could never imagine. But he was also the man who had bounded up a mountain to find her, who made sure she saw Venice, who brought tears to her eyes both in pleasure and pain––and been prepared to die for her.
In so many ways, they were still the same people who had slept side by side in this very room years and years ago. But they had grown so much since then. Perhaps more than they ever would have if they hadn’t been forced to part.
She brought a hand to his jaw and stroked the rough bristle. “I think we both needed time to become who we are today. And I’m grateful for it. I only wish that you hadn’t had to endure so much pain.”
Alec stared for a long while, as if he was seeing her for the first time. Then the corner of his mouth lifted. “Very well. If you insist on being less than perfect, I’ll try to accept it.”
“Perfection is not what I aim for, Alec,” she said gently. “And it is not what I expect from you, either.”
“No, but there is something you should expect from me: an apology. For everything I said in Venice. I was so cruel to you, but believe me, I never meant a word of it. I was angry and ashamed, but more than anything, I was scared. But it’s still no excuse. I should have treated you better.”
Lottie bowed her head at his admission. “I forgive you.”
Alec gave her a pained look. “Give me the chance toearnsuch a gift, will you?” he said hoarsely. “I came here with no expectations. I only wanted to apologize. To make sure you were safe. And to say that being able to call you a friend has been the greatest honor of my life, Lottie Carlisle.”
Lottie’s gaze grew watery as her heart burned for him. She didn’t want some other Alec who hadn’t made those mistakes, or even the man she had known five years ago. She wanted only this man. This Alec. As he was now.
As the tears began to spill down her cheeks, Alec reached out and brushed them away with his thumbs. His touch lingered there before he cupped her face in his hands. “And I will spend the rest of my days trying to deserve it. But I want you to be happy more than anything, in whatever shape that may take. Just know that I am here. I will always be here for you. As whatever you wish.”
She frowned slightly through her tears. “Are you making me a proposal of…friendship?”
Alec brought her hands to his lips. “I don’t dare ask for more,” he said with a kiss. “But my feelings are unchanged from five years ago.” As their eyes met, he suddenly shook his head. “No. No, that’s not true at all. I love you so much more, Lottie. I didn’t think it possible, but I do. You’re so brave, and kind, and strong––” He paused and shook his head again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to burden you with this,” he added. “It isn’t fair to––”
Lottie pressed a finger to his mouth. She was consumed with a fierce tenderness for this man who still, even now, placed her own desires above his. “Consider this my acceptance,” she said as she pulled his head down to hers. “Of all that you are. And everything you will be,” she murmured before pressing her lips to his.
Lottie had intended the kiss to communicate the sweetness in her heart.
I love you. I want you. Forever.
But it soon turned heavy with need.
