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Gerard stared in silence as his face slowly flushed. When he did manage to speak, it was only in short, barely intelligible bursts. “That isn’t—I didn’t—It wasn’t—”
Rafe almost felt sorry for Gerard as he watched his brother wrestle with this dawning realization.
“This isn’t the same!” he finally finished.
“Yes, hence the ‘nearly.’ Because Father wasn’t still married when he met his actress. And I hope you haven’t gotten this woman with child. If so, I pity her.”
For years Rafe had dreamed of the moment when he would finally gain the upper hand over Gerard. Then he would experience how Rafe had so often felt: small and stupid and unwanted. The satisfaction would be incomparable. And he would soak up every single second of it.
But the satisfaction didn’t come. Instead, Gerard looked exhausted. And troubled. And so very much like their father. Rafe’s jaw hardened against the sympathy trying to brew inside him. Why should he give this man any more than he had ever received?
Gerard rubbed a hand over his face. “Christ,” he muttered. “Christ. You’re right. I’ve been so consumed with the blackmail, I never really thought about it. These last few months have been hell, if I’m honest—not that you care.”
Rafe ignored the prickle of guilt in his belly. “Then why become involved with her in the first place? You knew the risk,” he countered.
Gerard glanced at him. “You make it sound like it was a choice.” Then he let out a heavy sigh. “The countess and I married young. We both knew it wasn’t a love match, but neither of us cared. She got a title and I got my heirs. We have a good partnership. And for many years that was enough. Why, I didn’t even believe romantic love existed. I thought it was just drivel poets made up to sell books,” he said with a dark laugh. “When I met Eloise, I simply wasn’t prepared. It was immediate. And horribly trite. Like a damned lightning bolt. I had no idea I could ever feel this way.”
Rafe swallowed hard against the nagging familiarity of his words, and the flash of gray eyes that accompanied it.
“You know, I’m nearly the same age Father was when he remarried.” Gerard shook his head. “I never…I never tried to imagine what it must have been like for him. I was soangryafter Mother died. And my sisters were shattered. I simply couldn’t understand how he could go on living as if nothing had even happened. It seemed obscene to me.”
“He did mourn her.”
“I know,” Gerard acknowledged. “I know he did. But his loss was different from ours. I didn’t understand it then. I couldn’t.” He turned to Rafe. “I really hated you for the longest time, even though I knew it wasn’t fair or logical. But I didn’t care. You and your mother made him happy in a way the rest of us never could. He got to start a new life. A new career. A whole new adventure. While we were left behind.”
“But you weren’t a child anymore, Gerard. You could have visited. You could have made a damnedeffort.” Rafe hated how upset he sounded. How wildly his heart now beat in his chest. This wasn’t the reckoning he had imagined at all.
“I was thirteen when you were born. Not exactly a time when one is known to face life’s difficulties head-on. As I recall, you ran away from home at about that age.”
“Fair point,” he grudgingly admitted. “But what about later?”
“By then I had a life of my own. As well as my own regrets,” Gerard added softly and hung his head.
The movement suddenly brought to mind Father’s funeral. It had been a bitterly cold day. Mama had insisted on attending and then sobbed hysterically the entire time. Rafe, then eighteen, was so busy tending to her that most of the ceremony passed by in a blur, and by the end he was hardly able to say a proper goodbye himself. After he had packed her into the carriage, he’d raced back to the gravesite. But there was someone else standing there. They had met only once, briefly, years before, but Rafe immediately recognized Gerard. He was on his knees before their father’s headstone, his shoulders shaking violently from his tears. Rafe sensed he was witnessing something deeply personal. But just before he turned away, Gerard reached out and stroked their father’s name carved in stone with surprising tenderness. That brief moment had stayed buried within him all this time. His only evidence that Gerard did have a heart after all.
“I can understand that,” Rafe murmured.
Gerard’s head jerked up in surprise, but his gaze was wary. “I don’t suppose your understanding will extend to this situation as well?”
“No. Not yet, anyway,” Rafe amended, and Gerard actually smiled a little. As they stared at each other, Rafe didn’t feel the usual tightness in his chest and shoulders. As if his every move was being judged. His illustrious brother was infallible, just as he was—if not more.
“Back to the business at hand.” Rafe cleared his throat. “Since no charges will be brought, why was I asked to come down here?”
“To discuss your proposal, of course. Your actions these last few months have been watched with a great deal of interest. The PM is particularly impressed with how you handled this situation. When I told him about your idea, he was elated.”
Rafe couldn’t hide his surprise. “But you were so against it before.”
Gerard looked a little chastened. “I was at first. But I can see now that I should have listened to you.”
Dedicating your life to supporting the actions of a corrupt government only does more harm.
At the time Rafe had thought Sylvia was overreacting, but he couldn’t dismiss her words so easily anymore.
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I don’t know if helping this government attain more power is something I can have on my conscience.”
Gerard looked genuinely confused. “Yourconscience? I thought this was what you wanted?”
“I did.” Rafe shrugged. “But that was before I understood what I was asking for.”
