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“What? You’re going to tell me where you are?”
“Yes, but you have to promise me that you’ll never tell Massimo or any of his crew.”
“I don’t see them or talk to them. How would I tell them? Besides, I’m your best friend. You can trust me.”
“I know, but it was never about me not trusting you. It was about protecting you from Massimo’s persistence. You know how he is.”
“Do I ever! It was nearly every day after you left, but I haven’t seen or heard from him in months. I’m guessing he moved on.”
“I miss him! So fucking much! My heart aches for him.”
All I can hear is Luci’s steady breathing. I know she’s trying to bite her tongue because she has no sympathy for me regarding my feelings for Massimo.
“Remember Nate, the guy I mentioned I was seeing?”
“Yeah.”
“I broke it off with him. He kept asking for commitment, and I couldn’t do it—couldn’t give him more.”
“I thought you liked him?”
“He’s a nice guy, but that’s it. I had always told him I didn’t want a relationship, but he figured I would change my mind. I thought sex with no strings would be easy, but it isn’t. It’s just as complicated as a relationship—maybe more. The longer we continued, the worse I felt about myself. I started feeling shame because I was using him for sex. It’s not who I am.”
“At least you recognized it and know not to do that anymore.”
“I guess. How fucked up is it that I felt like I was betraying Massimo?” I drop my head back, letting out a long sigh.
“You need to get over him.”
“It was the biggest mistake of my life that I deeply regret, and I can’t fucking take it back.” Tears trickle from my burning eyes.
“I love you, Lena, but you made your bed. This is all your own doing. You chose to be selfish, so I don’t feel sorry for you. I’m sorry I don’t have kinder words, but you need to stop moping over it and move the fuck on.”
“I know I have to, but I feel like I’m stuck on a hamster wheel.” My heartbeat increases, and I exhale loudly to try to calm my nerves.
“Do something about it. In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never been one to sit and dwell. What are you gonna do to change your state of mind?”
“I’ve been thinking about finding a new job, but really don’t think that’ll do it. I mean, bartending is bartending. Even that reminds me of Massimo.”
“When we were growing up, you used to talk about being a lawyer, and you were gonna take the LSAT before you left. Have you given that any thought?”
“Honestly, I haven’t given anything a thought. My brain has been mush lately. I need to snap the fuck out of this funk I’m in.”
“Why don’t you look into it again? You graduated from UMass with a 4.0 GPA. You’re feisty, and you can argue anyone into the ground. Oh, and in case you didn’t know, you’re kinda stubborn. You’d make a great lawyer, and I’m sure you would get into law school! I’ve known you most of my life, and you’ve always accomplished everything you set your mind to. This is no different.”
“True. I know I’m in my head now. I need to get out of my own way. I need to figure out how to move forward despite this persistent throbbing in my chest. I also haven’t been doing any type of exercise. That’s definitely not helping either.”
“Look, I don’t know why you left, and maybe I won’t ever know, but it was obviously something you felt was important enough to walk away from the man you love.”
“It was.”
“Okay. There. That alone is enough. Remind yourself that all this headache you caused and put yourself through, that you put all of us through, was for a purpose and stop dwelling on would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.”
“Talking to you always makes me feel better, even when you lecture me.”
“I know, I’m awesome,” she asserts. I can practically see her beaming through the phone.
“You truly are. I don’t know what my life would be without you, Luce, really. I smooch you.”
