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His words cause tears to well in my eyes, and we drive the rest of the way home in silence. The traffic down 93 to the city is bumper to bumper, and it takes an hour and a half to get back to our place. I rest my head back, staring out the passenger window, watching the drops of rain bead and glide down the glass.
I can’t believe Massimo is so upset. I can’t believe he isn’t open to adoption. I can’t believe he’d be so cruel as to not love a child that isn’t his.
I haven’t told him about my health issues, and after that reaction, how can I? He’d probably be an asshole about it the same way Stefano was—fucking men.
“I walked away because I knew you would never accept me not being able to have kids, and there would be no alternative. Not after the conversation we had in the car when we drove home from David’s house. I figured you would react the same way Stefano did when I told him.” At my words, Massimo’s eyes widen, and his mouth goes slack.
“Lena, I—”
“I’m not done.” I raise my hand, suspending it between us, open-palmed.
“How could you continue in a relationship with me, knowing that I could never give you what you wanted most? You wouldn’t have. I assumed you would’ve reacted as Stefano did, and—”
“I’m not Stefano!” His nostrils flare.
“I know. Except last week you did react like him.”
“That’s not fair. The circumstances aren’t the same, but you’re right, I did and shouldn’t have. For that, I’m sorry.”
“No, you shouldn’t have, but I understand. We probably should’ve had that conversation in a more private place.”
“Lena, what you—”
“Let me finish, please. I’ve been waiting years to get this off my chest.”
Massimo nods in acknowledgment.
“I’m sorry for ever thinking you would’ve reacted like Stefano. It was wrong of me to assume. But I felt like a failure, empty, out of control, and less than a complete woman. Turns out Stefano was right. I’m broken. I will never carry a child. I don’t even have a womb anymore.” A desperate croak escapes me, the tears gush from my eyes, and my chest heaves. I wipe away the tears with the heels of my palms.
“Lena.” He rises from the chair, walking around the desk to stand before me. He forces me to my feet, wrapping me in his embrace, soothing me with his hands, dropping kisses along my hairline. His arms are warm and robust.
This is where I belong. I inhale his scent, how I’ve missed it, missed him. Now that I’ve been reminded of everything I used to have, I don’t know how I’ll survive without him. I need to finish what I came to say and get the fuck out of here. My heart can’t take much more.
“You deserve to have the kids you always dreamed of,” I say. “I knew you would be hurt, but eventually, you would forget me, find someone new, and start a family. I would never be able to give you children. I thought, why should both of us suffer without kids? I loved you and chose to sacrifice my love for you so you could have them. It’s the one thing I could control. Guess I made the right decision. Love is a sacrifice, right?” Tears continue streaming down my cheeks.
My body trembles. “I’m sorry, Massimo. I’m sorry I left the way I did, but I did it for you.”
“Shhhh, it’s okay,” he repeatedly murmurs in an attempt to console my broken soul.
“Massimo, I—”
“Lena, I’m sorry. So sorry for everything.”
Massimo’s arms remain firm around me, his embrace comforting and soothing me. His touch relaxes me, as it always has.
My tears begin to lessen, and as I rest my head on his shoulder, my nose scratches his neck, his scent intoxicating. Massimo’s arms are the one place that have comforted me, given me shelter, and protected me. Each and every time. Although at this moment I feel comforted, I know the feeling will be short-lived.
CHAPTER 22
Shall Set You Free
MASSIMO
LENA DROPPED A BOMBon my heart with her confession. Yeah, she fucked up and vanished, but to think I could’ve had something to do with her decision makes me feel like an asshole. She suffered through all of what she just told me, and I knew nothing. My heart tightens in pain. Pain I feel for the hurt I caused, the hurt she went through, the loss she endured, and the loss of our relationship.
This woman, she owned every part of me, and I was oblivious to the agony she was living with. How is that possible? To add insult to injury, I basically did what Stefano did and stormed out on her when she was the most vulnerable. My actions proved that I reacted exactly as she feared I would, solidifying that I’m still an asshole. I can’t deal with my shit right now. I still need answers from her.
Lena’s breathing has evened out. She’s no longer sobbing, and her breath is hot at my neck. “Hey, you okay?” I ask, lifting my hands to her face and gliding my thumbs across her cheeks, over her signature beauty mark.
