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“Come on,” I say, reaching for her hand and walking to the entrance.
Billy Tse’s has been a part of the neighborhood since the 90s. The food is phenomenal and has been since the restaurant opened its doors. With a full bar and a late-night lounge, my buddies and I would come here a lot after work to grab a bite and have a few drinks when I worked with my uncle.
“You want to sit at the bar or a table?” I ask her.
“Um, let’s get a table in the back in case it gets busy later.” She gestures toward the back by lifting her chin while she unzips her jacket.
The hostess takes us to a table, and we’re the only two people in the dining room. Six thirty is early for dinner in the city, and this place tends to get full on the later side, which is okay because it will give us the privacy we need.
Once seated, Lena says, “It’s been years since I’ve been here. We have a lot of great memories from here.” Her eyes crinkle and turn upward at the corners as she’s looking around. “Nothing’s changed. It looks literally the same as it did all those years ago, yellow walls and all.” She chuckles.
I lived across the street at the Lincoln Wharf Apartments when Lena and I started dating, and we would regularly order takeout from here and walk down to pick it up. Sometimes we would sit at the bar for a few drinks and eat in, often running into someone we knew and would hang out for a little while.
“It’s been a minute since I’ve been here too, I think maybe last year,” I say.
“I hope the scallion pancakes are as good as they always were. I never found any in Des Moines that were worth getting. Most places didn’t have them, and those that did just didn’t cut it.”
“You want to look at the menu, or should I order us our usual?”
“The usual. We never went wrong. Plus, I’m starving.”
The waitress arrives, a slender Asian woman with her hair in a low ponytail.
“Hi, welcome to Billy Tse’s. Are you ready to order, or do you need a few minutes?”
“Grey Goose and soda with two limes, a Tsingtao beer, and two glasses of water, please. As for food, an order of scallion pancakes, spring rolls, crab rangoon, andChun Liuchicken with white rice. If you could, please bring the food together.”
“Will do. Thank you.” The waitress walks off, and I turn to Lena and extend my hands across the table, curling my fingers with hers, our eyes meeting.
“Nine years gone, and here you are sitting in front of me. It’s so surreal. I didn’t think I’d ever have this opportunity again,” I say. Her eyes are soft, vibrant green behind red frames.
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me for leaving you?”
“That day at The Vault, I didn’t know if I could. I was so mad at you. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard. But as the days passed, I thought to myself, ‘There has to be more to the story,’ and there was. After everything you told me yesterday, part of me gets angry that you made such a big decision without me, a decision about my life—our life—and you had no right to do that. You took that choice away from me, except I played a huge role in the decision you made, and I’m furious with myself for it because I was oblivious. Until yesterday, I always blamed you for our destruction, but now I know I was just as responsible for it. That realization is humbling. You’re not the only one who needs to ask for forgiveness.”
The corners of her mouth tug upwards, and she squeezes my hands.
“I also understand why you ghosted me. You sacrificed everything for me, and I’m so grateful because now I have my boys. Had you not left me, Lucio and Leandro wouldn’t have been born. Does my understanding your actions mean I would’ve resented you? I don’t know. My feelings about the whole situation are all over the place, and I can’t reconcile them. My head is all sorts of fucked up, ya know?”
“And therein lies the conundrum. That’s what I’ve been living with every day since Dr. Ahmed told me I needed a hysterectomy—regret despite knowing it was the right decision for you. I know exactly what you’re feeling and how it twists you up inside.” She drops her head, looking down at the table, her fingers tracing the lines of my palms.
At that moment, the waitress comes back with our drinks and places them on the table. Lena lets go of my hands and grabs her glass, squeezing one of the limes and stirring before taking a sip from the straw.
I pull from the beer bottle before saying, “Please look at me.” She lifts her head without question and meets my gaze. I take her hands in mine again, intertwining our fingers.
“You broke me, broke my heart. Before I met you, I never imagined I would love the way I loved you. When I got back from the casino and you were gone, I was a mess. I hated you, myself, shut my family and friends out, and was a complete asshole to everyone. Without you, nothing made sense. You shattered my world in an instant and left a gaping hole in my heart, one I’ve never recovered from. I didn’t know how to cope with losing you. A whole year hoping you’d come back. Benny’s friend does some PI work, but he didn’t have any luck finding you. And back then, we didn’t have these smartphones like we do now, so it wasn’t easy.”
“I didn’t want to be found, which is why I never told Luci or my parents my plans.”
Her words cut me. It’s like she’s driving a dagger into my heart despite me knowing the reason behind it.
“You did a good job.”
“It’s probably no consolation to you, but I was miserable. I pined for you. I thought about you every day. It was always you.” She licks her lips before pursing them.
“You’re right. It’s no consolation.”
“There will never be enough words to express how sorry I am for the pain I caused you. Now that you know the truth, I accept whatever comes.”
