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We lie there, listen to the Goo Goo Dolls sing about better days, and appreciate that we’re once again in each other’s arms. Massimo pushes my curls to the side, kissing behind my ear and the nape of my neck while I’m dragging my fingers up and down his leg.
“My heart is whole again.”
My heartbeat quickens at his declaration, and my skin prickles under his hot breath.
I want to look into his eyes, so I turn around and proclaim, “I’ve thought about this moment since the day I left you. I never thought I’d look into your eyes again.”
“Neither did I. I was resigned to living a life without you,” he admits.
We sit in silence, just staring at each other. Words linger in the air. He must be in his feelings, as I am.
“I always thought we were good together,” I say, resting my palm on his cheek. “I now realize we weren’t because I always kept a part of me hidden away.”
“You just realized this now?”
I nod. “Yes. I’ve never felt closer to you as I did just now, as you made love to me.” He rewards me with a lopsided grin.
“It’s how I’ll always make love to you.” His confession is one I never knew I needed to hear and one I don’t have a response to. Instead, I kiss my index and middle fingers then place them on his lips.
He extends his hand, taking one of my ringlets into his fingers, and begins twirling. “I missed you, missed doing this with your hair. It always relaxed me.”
“You always loved playing with my hair when we were in bed or lying on the couch together.”
“Lena.” His eyes are piercing, searching mine.
“Massimo.”
“I forgive you. We still have a lot of healing to do, but the first step is forgiveness.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t ever do something like that to me again. No more hiding. No more lies. No more secrets. I promise that I’ll always listen to everything you share with me and keep an open mind. Promise me that you won’t shut me out again.”
“I promise.”
He kisses the tip of my nose.
“So this—” I gesture between the two of us “—is a thing again?” I ask.
“Is that what you want?”
I nod, feel my eyes stinging, fighting back the tears from the emotions coursing through me.
He grasps my hand and kisses my fingers before saying, “Me too. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t know what tomorrow holds but the best we can do is try and see where life takes us. Besides, you and I—we’re meant to be, so I think we’ll be okay.”
My heart is thudding in my chest at his words.
“Does it hurt?” he asks as his right hand reaches down, touching the scar on my belly.
“Physically, no.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Most days I’m okay. I’ve mourned the loss of my uterus. Some days though, it sucker-punches me when I least expect it. Sometimes it’s a random baby or kid walking down the street. Other times someone I know is announcing they’re pregnant, and I want to be happy for them, but jealousy creeps in, and everything I lost comes rushing back. A stark and ugly reminder that I’ll never be a mother, and it hurts like a motherfucker.” His fingers continue touching the bumpy skin. His other hand moves the ringlets that lay across my face, pushing them behind my ear.
“I want you to know, even though my boys have their mom, you’ll be a part of their lives. I have no doubt you’ll love them with all of your heart.” His words hurt yet also fill my heart because he wants us to try again and wants me to be a part of their lives. It makes all the suffering and damage I caused worth it because I know he loves being a father more than anything.
Tears escape from my eyes, and he swipes them away and begins kissing me again.
