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Nox
There weremoments in life when you knew you royally fucked up. This was one of them. In fact, it was possibly the biggest one of my life. I didn’t even have to wonder how I ended up here, watching my best friend fall to the floor as her face went white.
Running to her, I wasn’t fast enough, and she hit the filing cabinet, slicing open her head. “Fuck! No! Slade, call 911.” Cradling Lenn’s bleeding head in my hands, I attempted to stop the bleeding, applying pressure, the moment too eerily similar for my liking.
Moments were funny like that.
The one where my life seemed to have gone off course had been seared into my memory as the best and worst moment of my life. It was the catalyst that shifted everything nine years ago when my fear, insecurity, and hormones collided in the fuck up of the century.
Simon and Lennox, age 16 (Nine years ago)
"Mm, this tastes similar to what I’d expect you to taste like, Lemon Drop," I slurred.
We'd stolen a few Mike's Hard Lemonades from my parents' garage fridge. It was the one where they thought they hid the "bad things" from me. But I knew. It just made it easier to pilfer a few every now and then without their notice.
Some of the older boys in the neighborhood would hit me up for them from time to time, giving me an ounce of street cred. I didn't want to admit how good it felt to be seen that way by Lennox. She was so above it all, the peer pressure and popularity contests. I didn't want to admit I still cared about it.
Currently, Lennox danced in the grass, her arms spread wide as she made dives like she was a bird or something.
"Oh yeah?" she giggled. “Do youoftenimagine what I taste like, Si?”
Her breath was heavy from the exertion of dancing for as long as she had, not even stopping to answer me. Lennox was rarely ever still, a constant motion of color I could never take my eyes off of. I never understood how she didn't catch me staring at her a hundred times a day. I didn’t want to admit it was probably more. Some time during freshman year, I had an epiphany.
I was in love with my best friend.
The thing was, I didn't want to be in love with my best friend. She was mybestfriend, and I needed her to stay in that role.
But no matter what I said or did, Lennox James was the star of all my fantasies, dreams, and desires. No other girl at our school compared to her.No one.
I’d also come to the conclusion I wasn’t like other kids in our grade when I had my first boy crush on my pen pal, Blaze. When Lennox took over writing him, I'd been jealous at first but also relieved in a way. In one of our last letters between us, we'd both kind of admitted having confusing feelings. I'd written some things back, and then like a chicken, never mailed it.
But then last year, he sent me another message and despite having told Lenn I didn’t want to write to him, I found myself doing it, but insecret.
I carried a lot of secrets now, they weighed heavy on me. I feared one day, they’d all crack open, spilling out like a piñata. Only it wouldn't be a celebration of candy treats, but my insides in a curdled mess of lies.
I’d beenjealousof Lennox getting to know Blaze because I wanted to keep them both for myself. Blaze wasn’t like the boys here and I knew he’d see how cool and down to earth she was. But I saw how happy she was to receive them, having someone interested in what she had to say. And in a weird way, it kept me in his life. Lenn read me each letter, and I got to catch glimpses of him from her perspective. It was interesting to see how different they were with each other than me.
Lennox smiled at me, and I found the alcohol buzz giving me confidence to say things I normally wouldn't.
"Yeah, I do, actually. I should taste your lips to confirm, Lemon Drop."
She stopped spinning, her hair fanned out until it settled back to her shoulders and for a second, I worried I went too far when she only stared at me. A quiet and still Lennox was unheard of.
"Did you just say you wanted to kiss me, Simon Fisher?"
Her sweet little twang came out, and I smiled at the blush that spread across her cheeks. Getting up off the picnic table, I managed to swagger over to her without falling on my face. Towering over her, I bent down, my frame casting her into shadow.
"And what if I did, Lennox James?"
"I-I-I-, I don't know!" she whispered. Her eyes never stopped looking into mine, moving so fast back and forth like I held the answer to something there.
"I think we should try it, you know and see. Who else would be a better judge of you as a kisser than your best friend?"
All joking had left me, and I knew I wanted this to happen. I watched as she thought about it, the waiting period was agonizing as she tapped her finger against her lips. The very same ones I longed to kiss. When she finally stopped, she dropped it and squared her shoulders, her decision made.
"You're right. We should. In fact, I have a counteroffer."
"I'm listening." My heart sped up, excitement pumping through me at what my sassy best friend had decided.
