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If I’m honest, neither have I, but someone has to be strong. Dad’s trying, but he keeps moving us for his job, thinking it helps but we just need him in our lives. They weren’t even still married at the time, but I think he feels guilty for divorcing her.
Guilt is a heavy thing.
Sometimes I feel guilty for being able to do things easier than my twin. When we were young, everything we did was together, and we balanced one another out. It’s not like that anymore and our differences are even more prominent. I miss him though.
If you were to go to a new city, what would you do?
Hope you are well and smile a little when you read this. I do.
Laughable Blaze
My plan toface things and quit running went down the drain an hour after I made it. The information Thane provided had me spinning, and I couldn't discern any of it. So, I turned off my phone and decided to go on a hike. Nature and fresh air were my solaces when my mind was too busy to focus.
Huffing, I made it to the top of an incline, the sun beating down on me, and I cursed myself for wearing jeans. It felt weird, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to fall back into the fun-loving Lennox I'd been. My heart had been broken, the pieces scattered all over the floor, and I didn't know if I could ever put them back together the same way again.
Sitting down on a bench, I looked out over the hills and valleys and felt peace for the first time in days. It shouldn't surprise me that I found comfort here. It had been one of my and Duncan’s favorite things to do, and Duncan had always had a way of making me feel calm. It was his superpower.
FOUR YEARS AGO
“You wantto walk up a hill... on purpose?”
“Yeah, it’ll be fun. Come on, LJ. Just try it.”
The cutesy nickname had me softening as Duncan turned his green eyes on me, and I found myself nodding in agreement. This was our third date, and things were going really well with us so far. He made me laugh, was fun to be around, and looked at me like I was the only girl in the room. Duncan had a way of making all the other noise disappear when I was in his presence.
“Well, I guess I better put on some different shoes. I'll break my ankle if I try to hike in these.”
Duncan looked down at my platform wedges and cringed. “Yeah, do you have tennis shoes or hiking boots?”
“Uh, no to the hiking boots.” I laughed. “I don't ever try to purposefully sweat, but I have some old tennis shoes somewhere.”
Bending down, I started to rummage through the million pairs of shoes I owned. I never threw any of them out, and always insisted I’d organize it one day. Every time that day came, though, I never felt like doing it. A pained sound came from behind, and I froze. The slight draft I felt had me realizing my dress barely covered my panties from this angle.
“Um, LJ, I didn't realize it was show and tell.”
Holding the back of my dress down, I backed out slowly, the tennis shoes clutched in my other hand. I kept my face to the ground as I attempted to keep the rest of me covered in the process. “Ha! It was a test, and you failed. Congrats.”
Standing, I walked over to the bed, ignoring him as I took off one set of shoes and put on the others, but stopped when I noticed I’d forgotten to grab socks. A pair appeared in front of my eyes, and I snatched them, looking up from under my eyelashes at him.
Duncan smiled adoringly at me, crouching down to look at me head-on. “I think you're the cutest girl I've ever met, LJ. You constantly surprise me and make me laugh, even when you're blatantly lying.”
“I—”
His fingers pressed my lips closed, and I stopped, sucking in a breath. Duncan had been conservative so far in his physical touch, and this was the most hands-on he'd been. Slowly, he drew his finger away, trailing it down my jaw as he cupped it. He watched me the whole time, making sure I was okay. When he started to lean in, I closed my eyes, ready to feel his lips on mine.
They touched mine softly, a warm pressure against my own. Tingles raced down me as he held it there. When he moved, I met his efforts, and the passion exploded between us. What had started as a simple kiss, turned into an hour of intense making out, only stopping when we heard my parents returning home. I may be twenty-two, but I didn’t need them walking in on me kissing a boy.
Fixing our clothes, we laughed when we realized we never made it hiking.
PRESENT
The memoryof our first hike, or well, what was meant to be our first hike, had me smiling as I stared off into the quiet space. I’d never told anyone I did this, but every now and then, when I was struggling, I'd find some hill and sit, and I’d talk to Duncan.
“Hey, Dunc. I miss you. I hope you're holding down the fort and having a blast wherever you are.” The breeze kissed my cheeks, and like always, it felt as if he was there with me, answering back. Tears sprang forward, and I let them fall, needing to let them out.
“So, I've made a royal mess of things. You're probably not surprised, though. You always said my special brand of chaos is what made your day. I never understood that, but I appreciated it all the same. It made me feel like I wasn't actually deranged or alone. But since you've been gone, I feel like it's been even worse. I no longer have an anchor keeping me grounded. I'm pinging all over the place, and I can't find my way. How do I even know what to trust if I can't trust myself or my own memories from that night?”
Sniffling, I leaned forward and grabbed a leaf that had fallen. It was mostly dead, and it crumbled in my hand as I played with it. I wiped my hands together, sending the dead leaf tendrils into the air, and I watched them as they floated away.
