AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I justified my thoughts on what I was about to do as an attempt to save my relationship with my brother. It couldn’t be bad if I had a good motive.
Creeping silently into his room, I walked over to his desk and slid the notebook out from under the stack of papers. Sitting down on his bed, I sifted through it. There were a lot of drawings, some in comic form and others looked like they could be tattoo designs. Amazement soared through me at the skill level I saw. Slade’s art had vastly improved over the years.
Flipping through, I found the motherload at the back.
Letters had been flattened down and shoved between the last page and back of the notebook. There were quite a few, and I remember him talking about this years ago. It had to be the pen pal thing. Quite frankly, I was surprised he still did it.
It didn’t feel as much of an invasion of privacy if I wasn’t invading his, considering the letters were from the pen pal and not his inner thoughts.
Reading through them, I began to realize there were two people he wrote to. There were far more from Nox than Fish, and I found myself drawn to Nox as I read each letter. I started to sit the Fish ones aside, focusing solely on Nox. Lying back on his bed, I spread them out, finding a semblance of order, and read them all.
It was apparent she was a girl, her light and personality jumped off the page. I’d say she was around our age, maybe a year or two younger. She was funny, insightful, and kind, and I found myself sad when there were no more letters to read. Hearing a car door slam, I quickly picked up the letters, shoving them back into the notebook, praying they hadn’t been in any specific order.
When I heard him enter the house, I knew I wouldn’t have time to get out of his room if he came straight here, so I slid the journal back into his spot and waited at the door. I prayed he’d grab some food instead of heading straight here. When I heard the fridge open, I sighed in relief and bolted through the crack, making my escape.
That night, I laid in bed intrigued about this unknown girl. Binging on her letters, I’d gotten her words stuck in my head, almost like I could hear her, the words already becoming my favorite sound without even hearing her voice.
PRESENT
My obsession started that night,and I found myself jonesing like an addict to read more of her words. It wasn’t always easy to sneak them, but I became a ninja, creeping in the night to stay up to date on my southern sunshine. I wouldn’t admit that no other girl held my interest. I even forced myself to date a few girls here and there, but it never went far. It was hard to open your heart to someone when it belonged to the girl in your dreams.
I realized how insane I sounded. I’d fallen for a girl I’d never met. A girl I’d only known through her letters to my brother. A girl I’d never even talked to.
But the fact was,I had.
When I read they were switching to email, I was equally sad and delighted. There was something about holding her letter in my hand, her scribbles of ink and stationary that held a key to her personality. The faint scent of her lingered on the paper, and it felt like I held her in my hands each time I read one.
However, email meant better access, and I’d known Slade’s login information since fifth grade. It had been the same since he first got his email, and I was desperate enough at this point to try anything to get more of Nox.
Of course, I felt guilty at first.I did.
My reputation as the golden boy with perfect grades wasn’t hyperbole. I liked being the good kid, the star, and people praised me for my intelligence. In general, I was just trying to make it easier on my dad, my brother caused enough problems for the both of us. My role had always been the peacekeeper between them, especially once Mom was gone. But it was a lot of pressure to maintain.
Having this secret, this hidden indiscretion felt powerful. It had become an addiction, and like any junkie, I constantly wanted more. It wasn’t enough to just read her responses to him anymore; I wanted to be part of it.
It was wrong to impersonate my brother, to lead her on and make her think I was him. I knew this, but I couldn’t stop myself. I’d fully fallen into the black hole that was Nox, and I didn’t want to find a way out. Every day, I would write to her and then erase my message, so it wasn’t found by Slade. The truly complicated task was waiting for her response and hoping I saw it first. I’d gotten good at telling when it was obviously in response to me, and I would forward it to myself, then delete it before Slade saw it too.
There were a few times I slipped up, and I caught him asking her questions, confusion on what she’d meant about something. You think I would’ve stopped reading their messages since I had my own, but I’d become a voyeur to their letters. Now that I could read both sides of the conversation, I got to know my brother again. It had become just as compulsive to read his words as Nox’s.
Each time I logged on and wrote to her, I felt more guilt line my soul and I’d vow to stop. It would last for a day, a week at the most. But something in my life would happen, and she’d be the first person I wanted to tell. Or Slade would be acting moodier, withdrawn and I’d itch to know what he was thinking. It was cheating, using his letters as a window into his soul. I coerced myself into believing I wasn’t hurting anyone, telling myself it was all I had.
At the time, I could justify my actions, seeing the good I was doing, my own needs and curiosities met.
When it all hit the fan, as shit inevitably does, I realized how much I’d been deluding myself.
The fallout of my deception, and ultimately the fight between us, was catastrophic. I’d never seen Slade so hurt before. The betrayal had been thick, and I knew I’d finally done something I couldn’t repair with a smile or good grades.I’d royally fucked up.
In an attempt to save my relationship with my twin, I promised to stop. He changed his password and locked down everything securely. I’d discovered this the few times I’d fallen off my detox of Nox.
I had to face the facts then. She was gone, and I had to move on.
The summer before I started Vet school at the University of Knoxville, I’d gotten a summer internship in Nashville, TN. One of my roommates pushed me to hang out one night, and I ended up at a ‘Throwback Karaoke’ night dressed as Zack Morris fromSaved by the Bell.
It had been three years since I’d last written a letter to Nox, and my relationship with Slade was rocky at best, but he was still in my life at least. I hadn’t met anyone during that time that had captured me the same way Nox had until that night.
LENNOX, age 20/THANE, age 22
Going through the motions,I pretended I was having fun, despite wanting to do nothing but head home and study. Veterinary medicine had become my obsession and the only thing that occupied my mind outside the girl I couldn’t have.
