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“Why?”
“I don’t know! It just doesn’t.” My hands tightened, my blood pressure spiking at his implication.
“Maybe you just don’t want it to. Have you ever thought that the only problem is allowing yourself a win? You’ve been working so hard to punish yourself for choices you made when you were young that you don’t see the woman you’ve become.”
“You don’t know anything about me!” I hissed.
He gripped the steering wheel, and I unhooked my seatbelt. He started to protest, but I shut him down with a look, heading to the back to check on Cami. Once I had her out of the bin, I buckled her in and remembered I needed to send a text to Sax and Atticus. Once that was done, I was half tempted to stay back here, but there wasn't much room with the way Cami was laying, and I didn’t fancy getting a crick in my neck.
Sure, sure, that was the reason.
Ignoring my subconscious, I moved around the items and sat back in my seat. I didn’t reach immediately to buckle my seatbelt, waiting to see what he’d do. When he growled a little, I smiled, pulling it on. I knew I was playing with fire, but something in me liked pushing his buttons.
“Have you ever thought that if maybe you didn’t fight me so hard, you might like what I could bring to the table?”
Sighing, I rolled my head to the side to look at him. “Why are you trying so hard? I’m just an ordinary girl under thief's clothing. I’m a mom, practically a beauty-school dropout, and in so much debt, I regularly debate if ramen counts as more than one food group. I don’t have my shit together. I’m trying, and I think things will be better now, but I have nothing to offer you. That doesn’t even add in the fact I’m wrong for you to begin with.”
“You know, I once heard a therapist say that we fight against the things we want the most when we don’t believe we deserve them. I can’t change your mind, but I’ll keep showing you every day that you’re loveable until you believe it.”
“Yeah, well, that sounds like crap,” I muttered, crossing my arms to look out the window.
“I’ll be sure to let Loren know that then.”
Gasping, I turned and slapped his arm. “Blasphemy!”
He smiled, and for a second, I let myself have this moment. It wasn’t a matter of believing I didn’t deserve them. I knew I didn’t.
When you were responsible for killing someone, it pretty much set the course for the rest of your life, whether you liked it or not.
We drove in silence the rest of the way to the safe house, and I let myself pretend I was a different person.
But when the door shut and the little bundle of energy slammed into me at top speed, I knew I wouldn’t change anything, even if that kept me a murderer.
Five
BEAU
The liquid burnedas it made its way down my throat, and I breathed out, releasing it. I hated the stuff, but it was the only thing that seemed to dull the ache in my heart. I’d become a glutton for punishment lately, and I only had myself to blame.
“You’ve been showing up here more than usual. Work or love?”
Snorting, I shook my head, sighing. “Both?” I looked up, meeting the bartender’s dark eyes. I knew he and Nat had a casual thing, and for some reason, I kept planting myself in his path. There was a niggling belief that maybe he was the reason she wouldn’t give me a chance.
So, I guess I kept hoping to find out I was wrong. I didn’t know what I was looking for to prove it, just some hope the woman I’d been in love with for years could be mine someday.
He leaned against the bar, regarding me. “Want to talk about it?”
“I think you’re the last person I should talk with.” It was more truth than I’d meant to share.
“Ah, so this is about Nat.”
Sputtering, I almost spit out the sip of whiskey I’d taken. “What? How?” I managed to ask.
Byron lifted an eyebrow like it was obvious. He stood, grabbing a drink for one of the waiters, before returning to my spot at the bar.
“I might not be part of the ‘secret club,’ but I notice things. When she’s here, so are you, lurking in the corner.”
“I don’t lurk!” I sat back, offended.
