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“Then talk to me about it, Ty. Come on, follow me.”
I did as he asked and followed him into the tack room, where he opened the small refrigerator and took out two beers. “Let’s head up.”
“The barn loft?” I asked with a scoff.
“Hey, I’ve had some pretty fucking profound moments in that loft.”
“Yeah, me too. I lost my virginity up there.”
Tanner stopped walking and looked back at me. “Are you shitting me? That’s my spot, dude. Why do you have to taint it with the sort of information that you could have easily taken to your grave?”
I shrugged and motioned for him to walk up the steps while I tried not to laugh my ass off. Once we got up there, we walked over to the double doors and opened them. There was a small balcony our father had added on years ago. We all used to sit up there, our legs hanging between the rails, and dream of what our lives would be like. Beck had always wanted to be in the marines. He followed his dream, and it had killed him. Brock, he was always the one arguing with me about who was the better bull rider. Truth be told, we were both good . . . damn good. And Tanner, he just wanted to be in the rodeo. Roping, women, and horses. The only three things he cared about.
We sat down, our legs dangling as we drank our beers in silence for the first few minutes before I spoke.
“You know the high you feel right before that chute opens and you go after that calf?”
Tanner took a pull of beer and nodded. “Yeah. Nothing like it.”
“After my accident, I craved that feeling. Knowing I would never have it again did something to my mind. Fucked with me, big time. Then I discovered I could have a version of it with the pain pills.”
I could feel Tanner’s eyes on me. He remained silent, so I kept talking.
“It was a different high. A different rush, but hell, it was a rush nonetheless. It dulled the pain I not only felt in my knee but in my chest as well. Just like that feeling you get before a run—it was also addictive.”
Facing Tanner, I took in a deep breath and let it out. “So addictive it scared the shit out of me. I got lost to it so fast. I spun out of control, and man, I thought I was smart. Hiding it from everyone, thinking I had the reins grasped tight on it. It took me a long time, Tanner, to realize I never had control. It almost . . . destroyed me. The rush I got from bull riding, yeah, it was dangerous, but I always knew I was the one in control, you know?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Just when I thought I had beaten the addiction, another one came along. One I wasn’t ready for at all.”
“Ty, what do you mean?”
I heard the concern in his voice and put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Not drugs, bro . . . Kaylee. She might as well be a damn drug.”
His body relaxed.
I added, “I’m not going to lie: when she first showed up, with that little southern accent and those blue eyes, I wanted nothing more than to get her into my bed.”
“You don’t anymore?”
“Oh, I still do . . . and that’s the problem.”
He laughed.
“For the first time in my life, though, I’ve felt something for a woman that wasn’t lust.”
“Don’t know that feeling, dude,” Tanner said, taking a drink of his beer.
“Be glad you don’t. It fucks with your head.”
“So I’ve heard and seen. Chance is all caught up in some little barrel racer. Thinks he’s in love.”
“Wow,” I replied, looking at Tanner. “What’s going on with that?” I asked, hoping to change the subject from me and Kaylee. But it didn’t work.
Tanner smirked. “We ain’t here to talk about Chance. Keep going.”
I nodded. “Anyway, Kaylee wasn’t supposed to stay in town. I figured I could scratch the itch, she’d move on, probably come back into town a few times a year, we’d hook up, and that would be that.”
“What happened?” he asked.
“I kissed her.”
His brows pulled in and he stared at me. The only sound that could be heard was that of Mama’s wind chimes blowing in the slight wind that enveloped us.
“You remember that rush? The high? I felt something like it for the first time in my life with a woman, and it was caused because of Kaylee Holden’s damn kiss. My chest closed in on me, and I needed a woman—and it wasn’t just for the sex. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it felt like she had poured something of herself into me, and it left me craving more. So much more.”
