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I woke up to find Stellan sitting on the floor next to my bed. His head was bowed as if he were sleeping, his elbows braced on his knees, his legs folded up in front of him. He was a tall, intimidating man with an athletic frame, but right now, I could see much of the boy he'd been when he was lanky and broad-shouldered and the star soccer player. My heart lurched in a familiar way before I woke up enough to hate him.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded.
His eyes met mine, his handsome face pensive. “You were screaming in your sleep.”
God, that was embarrassing. But I said flatly, “I don't remember any of my dreams.”
“Maybe that's for the best.”
“Maybe. But maybe I would remember something that would help us find Sophia.”
Stellan looked torn, as if he didn't want me to be miserable but he could accept my misery if that was the price for finding what he needed.
I wasn’t telling him the whole truth. My dreams the night before were all shadows, and I wasn't sure if they were real or my fevered imagination. I knew I'd seen Sophia in my dreams last night. And I'd seen the Demon, too.
But you don’t owe the whole truth to anyone who has ever locked you in a car trunk.
“You need a break,” Stellan said. “And the truth is, I need one too. Let's both take showers and get out of here. Go get some food.”
“I'm not hungry.” I couldn't imagine eating right now. Not when I had spent so long soaked in the memories of Sophia and the guilt for how we never said goodbye. The Demon had said it was time to leave, and I thought I was protecting my friends by going. But I hadn't been protecting my friends at all.
What if I had killed the Demon and buried him in the woods? I hadn't been ready then to hurt my own father, even though he had hurt me.
I wish I'd clung to the first good thing I had found- my relationship with Stellan and Sophia-so tightly that I would kill anyone who tried to take it from me. I lost them both. And I'd lost the last good part of Delilah.
“Do it anyway,” Stellan said. “You've got to keep your strength up. We both do. Trying to find out what happened to Sophia is going to be hard on us.”
I scoffed. “You say that like you don't think I'm the one responsible for her murder.”
“I never said that.”
"You didn't have to. You drugged me and brought me here because you think I know something.”
The look on his face was unrepentant and unashamed. “Yes, I do. But I watched you cry about Sophia all day yesterday. I don't think you have any memories of hurting her.”
I rose to my feet, fixing my camisole strap. I felt naked in front of Stellan, even though I was still wearing my top and bra and underwear. I hadn't been able to bring myself to take some of Sophia's clothes out of the drawer. I didn't even want to open it. The way her room was like a shrine felt deeply wrong and unsettling.
“Do you think I lost my memories? You don’t believe I didn't hurt her? What the hell are you accusing me of, Stellan?”
He raised his hands. “I'm not accusing you of anything.”
“For a second, I thought you were in here when I woke up because you were worried about me. But were you just listening to what I was talking about in my dreams? Listening to my screams to see if there was anything useful when I talked in my sleep?”
“Why can't it be both?” Stellan demanded.
I slapped him across the face. Stellan’s eyes flashed at me dangerously. An electric buzz ignited across my skin. Would he hit me back? Was the Stellan I used to love completely dead?
My voice came out soft, almost a whisper, but harsh anyway. “Your sister would be ashamed of you.”
His jaw worked once. He rubbed two fingers over his reddened cheek. “Yes, I am sure she would be.”
The admission shocked me.
He shrugged. “I'm not the same person that I was when she knew me. Before she died. I'm a different person now.”
“A worse person. A terrible person.”
“Yes, I think that goes without saying.” His tone was casual. “You can take a shower first. I’ll go out and get you some clothes.”
