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Chapter Fourteen
She knew there would be a gap of time that Bennett would honor her request, but he’d pushed it mighty close. It wasn’t his fault that she felt broken and didn’t know how to trust. Her natural instinct was to put her heart back in a box and shut down emotionally. It was easier that way. Nothing could hurt her. Nothing except me.
She wasn’t ready to go back into that dark, lonely place that Bennett had brought her out of with his warmth and humor. Until he stepped into her life, she didn’t realize how alone she was. It was sad that neglect and abuse were things she’d come to expect and worse—accept. Zoey hadn’t allowed herself to dream of anything more for fear of rejection. It was the first time she tried to let someone into her dark and lonely world. Would he want to go there?
Zoey knew she needed to be more open than she had so far. If she ever hoped to have a real relationship with Bennett, he needed to know who she was. There was one problem with that. She’d buried that person so deep for her self-protection and sanity she wasn’t sure she could find her anymore.
She’d been thinking about her demons and Bennett ever since he’d texted her earlier that day asking her to dinner. This visit was the time to talk, open up. Waiting for him made her hands tremble. What could she say? Where should she start?
Zoey heard the doorbell. She took one last look at herself in the mirror before greeting him. As she opened the door, apprehension gripped her; she knew right away she didn’t want to leave the house. “I’ve changed my mind.”
He looked at her, stunned.
“There is so much I want to say to you, explain to you, and I can’t do that in some stuffy restaurant. What do you think about ordering in?”
He watched her for a moment, then nodded. “I think you’re right. We both have a lot to say.”
As she walked into the living room, she stopped and stared at the piano. Maybe the kitchen would be better. Bennett must’ve picked up on it because he left her plenty of room to turn around and exit again. Without a word, he followed her. Thank you, Bennett. I want to do this, but I need to do it at my pace. And some things I’m not sure I’m ready to share yet. Maybe I won’t ever be.
Once in the kitchen, she opened a drawer that contained a bunch of take-out menus. “I hate cooking for one, so I usually order out.” The truth was she also hating dining alone in public. Over the years she’d take turns dragging each of her brothers out for lunch, but then they found love; now they were all living their separate lives, no time for her. They didn’t need their sister intruding in their lives.
“When I’m home I live the same way,” Bennett said as he looked through them. “Do you have a favorite?”
Zoey nodded. “I’m fond of Thai.” She found the menu she knew by heart and pretended to look through it, but she was going to order her usual. “How does chicken satay, crispy noodle lettuce wraps, and chicken pad Thai sound to you?”
“Add some beef panang curry and a chocolate fried ice cream, and you’re on.”
“You and your ice cream. I think you have a sweet tooth,” Zoey teased.
Bennett laughed. “I don’t believe a meal is complete without dessert. But there’s one problem. I’ll have to eat dessert first, or it’ll melt.”
“It’d be rude of me to have you eating it alone, so make it two.”
She watched him call in the order. It was nice having him here, relaxed where they could tease each other. Zoey wasn’t sure she wanted to approach the serious topic of her past again. It’d only ruin the lovely, relaxing time they were both having. When he ended the call and looked at her with his intense, beautiful blue eyes, she knew no matter how painful it was going to be, it was a risk she needed to take. She owed it to him, but more importantly she owed it to herself. I don’t ever want to be without happiness, joy, and... love again.
“While we wait, I was hoping we could... talk.” Zoey wanted to sound confident, but she knew her voice shook, which wasn’t a great way to approach him. It was like saying here comes some deep sad information, you might want to run.
Although he became serious, his eyes were soft and gentle. “I think that’s a great idea. Where do you want to start?”
Any place but with me. But I need to get it out. If this is going to end, then let it be now. It was ridiculous to think that stopping it now was going to hurt any less. She was already in love with him. It didn’t matter if he walked out the door that very minute. Her heart was going to break into a million pieces. But if he did decide to leave, she’d understand and respect his decision. I feel broken. Fragile. Why would he want me? I come with tons of insecurities. What am I going to bring to his life except... my issues?
Bennett reached across the table and covered her hand with his. “I’m here, Zoey. Say want you want. I’m not going anywhere.”
She fought to hold back the tears that threatened. Bennett truly wanted to know, but he had no idea how ugly it was going to get. “I don’t want to ruin tonight.”
“Zoey, there is nothing you can tell me that will change how I feel.” How he feels? About me?
How can it not affect his opinion of me? It hurts me just thinking about it. Never mind saying it. She would trust him as she had since she met him two years ago. Please, Bennett, don’t hurt me.
“We started talking about my childhood before, but I didn’t give you any details. I... I’m not sure you want them, so I’ll give you the short version.”
“I’ll take whatever you want to tell me.”
“My father hated me, Bennett. I know it sounds cold and impossible for a father to hate his own child, but it’s true. If there was a negative thing you can call or say to your daughter, he said it all to me. I was always told I’m worthless, stupid, ugly and... a... whore.” She choked on the last word and stopped to see if she could read what he was thinking. Nothing in his expression had changed.
Zoey needed to continue. Doing so wasn’t going to get any easier. He was going to ask questions eventually. All she could do was hope she had the answers. So much of her life was a mystery to her. She couldn’t share what she didn’t know or understand.
“He didn’t say these things to me just privately, but he spoke them to others as well. I couldn’t go anywhere without people looking at me and believing the vitriol he spewed about me. Everyone questioned my integrity, and my self-respect lessened with every sneer. My reputation was... is... ruined. People think that I’ve been... with a lot of men. Oh hell, they thought I was easy when I was ten years old. I hadn’t even kissed a boy then, but my father declared it, and from there it was accepted as truth.”
