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"Sure," I said, leaning back for the pitcher and two of the four glasses I kept beside it.
"So I've heard this story a lot," Talin said. "How you were Nari's first friend. How you were always honest with her. How you were there for her when no one else was. Then, one day, you saw something shiny and left, all but forgetting about them. Or, from your side of things, how it didn't happen like that. I know it, and I honestly don't give a fuck. I just want to know one thing." He accepted the glass when I passed it to him. "Why didn't you ever apologize?"
My breath fell out in a rush. "Pride."
"And that," Talin said, "sounds like a guy I can respect. You know that's all they really want, right?"
I paused, debating whether a sigh or a gulp of my drink would make this easier. Needless to say, I went for the drink, thankful this stuff never burned as it went down and always made me feel just a little calmer. The cool liquid slid into my throat and felt as if it flowed under my skin the way silk would slide over it.
And then I sighed. "Have you ever fucked up, Talin? I don't mean a little mistake. I mean a great big one. Got a man killed. Shattered the statue of Zeal. Got locked out on the street naked as everyone's rushing home from work. A real fuck-up, not the forgettable kind?"
His eyes drifted to the covers of his books. "I'm not sure I have. Not at that level."
"Then you can't understand. It was all an accident. A collection of little bad decisions that added up into something catastrophic. And you're now working with a piece of information I didn't have. No one told me that she'd feel abandoned if I took a break. Why would I even think that?"
"Because people feel things," he pointed out. "And getting dumped is something I've experienced a few times."
"I hadn't." I shrugged. "I was barely eighteen years old, had kissed three people in my life - Nari, Ela, and Tish - I'd slept with none, and my version of 'dating' was watching Nari and her guys make out. There were no fancy dinners. No scheduled times to meet and do cute things. We were friends.Justfriends, we'd agreed. We couldn't be more, they said, but we'd always be togetherno matter what.And the worst part is that I thought that was a promise, not a requirement."
"Ah." He nodded. "And yet you still thought she'd want you as her guardian?"
"Not my finest moment," I admitted. "Look, Nari didn't want a Path. She was going to take what Zeal gave her. I was just hoping that maybe she'd say she wanted me if she ended up on the Path of the Body. I dunno, like she'd give me some compliment. I hoped that she'd say it loud enough that Tish would hear, since we'djusthad a big fight. All these little stupid decisions ran through my head and right out my mouth, right? And I never once stopped to think about how it would sound to her."
"Mm." He took another drink. "But you still haven't shown back up."
"Ofcoursenot. Wraythe has no problem making sure I know that I'm a fuck-up. I kinda am, too. I'm completely and totally average at everything. I'm working on getting better, and training with the guardians is helping a lot more than I expected. But the truth is that I don't feel like I'm at a place where I can do that. I'm still a fuck-up, Talin."
"Everyone's a fuck-up," he pointed out.
"And not all fuck-ups abandoned their best friends. How can I go crawling back unless I have something to offer?"
"No." He didn't even give me the chance to explain that. He simply slapped his hand on the table. "I don't know if that's how Tish works, but it's not how Nari does. Or Ela, truth be told."
"I'm not talking about items. I'm talking personal value. Being trustworthy, as an example," I explained. "I have no way to prove that I am, and the truth is that I'm not even sure myself. I mean, I'm betraying my own ward, so what doesthatsay about me?"
He jerked his chin toward me. "Zeal."
"Huh?"
"You are the man Zeal wants to spend time with. You're the one he calls ‘the lost one.' The guy he won't quite let her forget. I'm pretty sure that god is vouching for you. Agod, Anver. Isvouchingfor you. Isn't that something to offer?"
I shook my head. "Talin, I would rather be alone, wallowing in my own self-pity, than hurt her again. Wraythe said I made her cry. I didn't know that until after Choosing. I heard I broke her heart." A sardonic laugh broke free. "Me, the guy who doesn't fuck, broke a girl's heart. I didn't even know that was possible. I always assumed I was permanently banished to being only a friend."
"Why?" he asked softly.
Slowly, I turned my glass on the table before me, my eyes on it so I didn't have to look at him. "I always wanted to be wanted. I wanted to havesomeonelove me so much they'd never leave. I dreamed of a person in my life who'd want to sit, cuddle, and just talk. Where being naked wasn't a requirement." And I lifted my hand before he could interrupt. "And I grew up in a place where sex was taken for granted. Where talking about the dozens of people we'd sleep with was considered normal conversation. Where sex was always the focus. I convinced myself that what I wanted was wrong. That if I just found the right thing - person, situation, or some specialthing- then I could be like everyone else. I wouldn't need to explain anymore. I wouldn't have to be this broken half-shell of a person. I wouldn't have to be embarrassed because I'm different."
"And you fixated on what you didn't have, missing what you did," he realized.
I nodded. "Yep. I fucked it up. I mean, how many people find love at fifteen? How many people findthe oneat that age?"
Talin slowly pushed his finger under his lip, his eyes intent on me. "Have you ever noticed that it's always her? Sometimes, you'll talk about him or them, but usually, it's her. Nari, not Ela. Not the three. Just Nari."
"Yeah," I said. "See, that's the other part of it. I had a favorite. In that group, there are no favorites, butIalways had one. And I got jealous of what they had that I couldn't. Not the physicality of it, not exactly, but that they were always on the same page and I couldn't even reach that book."
"So what are you doing about it?" he asked.
"I'm making sure that I can become the man she needs. I'm not pushing my way back into her life, Talin. Not until I have something to offer. Not until I deserve her forgiveness, and the truth is that I don't yet. IknowI don't. I fucked up. I fucked upbad, and there's nothing in the world that can change that. My only option from here is to give her enough reasons to believe that she can trust me again."
