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His lips caressed mine once more, the feeling more intense than I remembered. "You are not broken, Anver," he breathed. "You're not whole, but it has nothing to do with your sexuality. It's your heart, and I'm so sorry. I want to take care of you, make your life easy, and spoil you like the others."
"They're not very spoiled either," I reminded him. "They just have different challenges. Tell me what you need, and I'll do it."
"You aren't broken," Zeal said again. "I chose you because you love so easily, and so openly. Not with your body, but with your heart. When your body is ready, then you'll see. All I want is for you to learn how to be true to yourself first." His thumb swept across my cheek. "And me second."
Then he lifted his hand and was gone. Completely and totally vanished. All I could do was sigh.
"You chased him off," I grumbled at Grath.
"Don't you see it?" he replied. "C'mon, Anver. He's a god. We're little more than a fleeting bit of entertainment to him. Maybe a pet at the very most. He's a fucking god, and we're here to be used."
"And?" I asked, because all of that was obvious.
"And things aren't adding up," Grath said. "He does just enough, but never any more. He uses his power sometimes and not others. He leaned against the wall in our class today and watched while Ghale assaulted a student! He is supposed to be our god!"
"Which is not the same as our mommy," I shot back. "His duty is to make us more. Ours is to protect the things he values. The Path of the Word explains his needs. The Path of the Body encourages his followers to accept temptations. The Path of Action makes it all possible, and the Path of Obligation takes care of us all while we do it. We each have a job, and sometimes they suck. Our Path? It's to take the hits."
"But he's a god!"
"And a man," I pointed out. "He thinks, he feels, and he does care. He also knows that doing it for us is not the same as giving us what we need to learn, to thrive, and to grow."
Grath thought about that for a moment, then asked, "So why won't he just tell us what he needs us to do?"
"Because it's not a case of doing. It's a case of becoming," I explained. "Zeal needs us to become something so that the people will believe in him again - but none of us know what. He's not perfect, Grath, but heismy friend."
"And lover," Grath pointed out. "That was not the way a friend kisses you."
"He's Nari's lover."
Grath shrugged. "Who said there can only be one?"
Chapter 31
Nariana
After I faced off with Ghale in my grappling course, things got a little better. Zeal pulled me aside in the Salle and began showing me a new style of hand-to-hand combat. Something that used my legs to my advantage and focused on agility more than strength. It wasn't easy, but it worked for me better than trying to fight like one of these big, strong guardians.
And Grath showed up. He paired off with Anver for most of the evening. Later, he pulled Eladehl aside for a little extra sparring. No one mentioned what had happened that morning in my grappling class, but Jamik did show me how to fall without hurting myself. We worked a bit longer and a lot harder than normal, and it felt good. It felt like I was actually getting something right.
The next day, no one said anything about me missing class. Neither the instructors nor the students. They didn't ask about my shoulder. Oryll was almost polite in class, and Ghale stopped trying to make me into some kind of example. For two weeks after that, my classes were pretty good, and I was finally starting to learn instead of simply fighting my instructors.
Things at home even got better. I'd known the stress was getting to me, but I hadn't realized how hard it had been on my guys. No, we didn't fight, but we'd all been spending more time at the kitchen table with our books than curled up together on the couch. When I stopped feeling like I was such a failure, I started wanting to be close to them again, and all three of my guys were willing to let me.
Wraythe was the most obvious. His lap became my favorite place to read, and when I asked about something in my book, he would tease and offer to show me. Sometimes, he did. Other times, he simply kissed me until I had to get back to reading. Talin and Ela were getting a little more obvious too. Those two spent a lot of time watching each other, but lately there was a bit more touching. Mostly at night, and usually when they were sleeping, but I still liked it.
There was something so beautiful about seeing one of my men wrapped up in the arms of another. Once, I caught them kissing in the bedroom, but they pulled apart as if doing something wrong. The reaction was almost instinctual, and said a little too much. They didn't want to hurt me, so I needed to make it clear that them caring for each other was a good thing. It was definitely allowed, and not just in dark corners.
The first thing I did was promise that they were fine. The second was to leave so they could have a little privacy. I understood, though. No matter how many times I said it was ok, there was something different about being watched. We'd been trained for a decade that my guardian was mine, and that I should be jealous. I wasn't. Not at all. They deserved the same kind of happiness they gave me.
Wraythe, Ela, and I had been together for years. Talin was still new. Granted, he'd been with us formonthsnow, but it wasn't the same. He was working on three simultaneous relationships, and there just wasn't enough time in a day. Not with classes and everything else. We were all good. We were all happy. That didn't mean we hadeverythingfigured out yet, but it was getting there, and we had plenty of time.
Then, exactly two weeks after my fight with Ghale, Oryll decided he'd been nice long enough. It was in Sexual Orientation, my last class of the day, when the man stopped himself mid-sentence and looked right at me. I was taking notes, but the intensity of his gaze was almost palpable.
"Since you know everything, Nariana," he said, "can you tell us all why women tend to be the submissives in these kinds of relationships?"
We'd been talking about bondage and shaming sessions lately. A lot, in all honesty, but this wasn't something I'd ever encountered. I simply didn't have enough experience with anyone outside my guys. Needless to say, my heart stopped in my chest, but Ela looked over at me and smiled. It wasn't the friendly type, either. This was his way of encouraging me to let go for once.
So I did. "I can only assume it's because society praises women for being quiet and demure. Granted, my experience outside the temple is limited."
