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He turned back, but instead of looking at her, his eyes found me. "I'm a good god, but I'm not a kind one."
I immediately thought about what I'd found when looking in his eyes. "I'm a good guardian," I told him, "but I'm not always a kind one."
"Zeal?" Nari asked.
"I need to go," he told her, looking down at their clasped hands.
So she stood, still refusing to let go of him. "Then at least talk to me first?"
He nodded and she pulled him towards the bedroom door. I just looked over at Anver, hoping he had some idea of what was going on. He shook his head, proving he didn't. Surprisingly, it was Ela who was willing to guess.
"He's scared," he told us. "Something is happening, probably something he started, and I think Zeal is scared of what the result will be if he fails."
"Or succeeds," Wraythe countered. "There's always a price, even for gods. I think he's worried that this one will be too high."
"And still, we'll all pay it together," I decided. "That's why this works, right?"
"The snake has five heads," Anver said softly. "Zeal isn't one of them."
Chapter 56
Nariana
"What is going on?" I asked the moment I was alone with Zeal. "You don't have to tell me details. Just tell me something, Zeal?"
He let go of my hand and walked over to sit on the foot of the bed. "I put something in motion."
"But that's a good thing, right?" I asked.
He reached down to scrub at his face. "Nari, I really am not a kind god."
I moved to stand before him. "So? I'm not exactly a kind person. Shit, Ela definitely isn't, and I love him with all my heart."
"Wraythe is," he countered. "Anver is."
But I heard what he didn't say. "And Talin isn't always, hm?"
Zeal just turned his head away to stare at the wall. "How much would you still love me if I took him from you, Nari? What if it was one of the others? Where is your limit? Because we all have one. You told me that you wanted your family, but what if I can't do that? What if, in order to save most, I have to lose one? How far are you willing to flex your limits before you decide that this - all of this I'm doing to you - is more than you can handle?"
I caught his face and turned it back to me. "You let Anver slip away from me. I know you tempted him with Tishlie. I've also realized that you have your reasons. Yes, it hurt, but you know what? I'm still here."
"And one day the price may be too high," he breathed, leaning his face into my palm. "I just wanted to see you. I wanted to see how you are with them."
"Do you love them, Zeal?" I asked, meaning my guys.
He smiled for a moment. "I love Anver. I love you. I am fond of Ela, I respect Wraythe."
"And Talin?" I pressed, aware that this was the second time my god had tried to skip over him.
"He is becoming," Zeal admitted. "He was one thing, he's trying to become another, and right now I don't know him. You do, but that's because your reality moves like his. Mine doesn't. I see this." He moved his hands to trace the lace along my legs, right at my thighs. "I see your soul, Nari. I see every swirl and pattern of it. I watch as it changes."
So I tilted his face up to look at mine. "And I see your rage fading, Zeal. I watch as your words change, hear when your siblings talk about how you spent your divinity, and wonder if there's something you aren't telling me. I worry about you. Not just because you're my god, but also because you are my friend and a man that I care about more than I could've imagined." My thumb slid across his cheek. "I'm scared that you're fading and just not telling me. I'm worried that this isn't working."
His iridescent eyes shifted from one of mine to the other, and then back. "Being a god isn't easy," he admitted. "Did you know that I pray too? I've listened to all of you for so long..." His hands moved higher, up to my waist, and then he pulled me a little closer, spreading his knees to make room. "I know prayers in a way you can't imagine. I've listened to the desperate ones, the happy ones, and the meaningless ones. I have learned how to pray too."
"Who do you pray to, Zeal?" I asked.
His eyes dropped to my lips. "You."
