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Chapter Fifty One
Bray
As per her doctor’s orders, we don’t let her sleep alone or for too long in case she has a concussion. We all end up back in Cyrus’s bed, the three of us curled around her, but she’s playing with my hair, lost in thought. I share a look with Asher and he sighs.
“I love my mom,” he whispers.
“Ash?” she murmurs in confusion.
“I don’t know if she ever loved me, or maybe she did and that’s why she left. I wonder what she’s doing all the time. If she’s okay, if she still thinks about me, if she has a new family… I used to be up all night wondering why I wasn’t enough for her. Enough for her to stop, to get better, to be with me. I hated her a little, hated her because I loved her so much. I miss her.”
She looks down at him as his gaze focuses far away.
“I love my brothers and my father, but it always feels like there is a hole in my heart where she should be. A parent should never abandon their child, never leave them wondering what they did wrong, why they didn’t love them enough... and I still do. It’s silly. I know now as an adult that she made bad choices, that she had a problem and needed help and was doing the best she could, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering how different my life would be if she had just fought. If she had just stayed.” His eyes go back to her. “But wondering does no good. This is my life. Her choices and my own led me here, for good and bad, and if I could just find one ray of happiness in a day, then that’s what I’ll do. I’m lucky, I have two brothers who love me and would do anything for me, who have my back and helped raise me without ever looking at me differently. I have a father who loved me unconditionally, if not a bit distantly. I have friends, a good house, money, and life. I have you,” he finishes and swallows. “But sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes you can have everything in the world and still feel so empty and alone. I do sometimes. I shouldn’t but I do.”
“What do you do when you feel like that?” she inquires softly, the dark closing in on us.
“I take a deep breath and look at my life. I remind myself of everything I did to get here. I remind myself that I have people who love me, even if she never did. I remind myself this is my life now, and I can make it whatever I want. The future isn’t set in stone, it’s what I make it. If I’m not happy? I can change it, it’s that simple. And those who stay with you, they are the ones you need in your life. I’m not saying life is easy, Blair, and that we don’t make mistakes. I’m not saying living is easy, because it’s not. It’s fucking hard.
“Sometimes just getting up in the morning and living is the hardest thing to do when it would be so easy to give in to the bad thoughts and numbness. But we can’t. We can’t let the days pass us consumed by doubts and what-ifs. That’s not living, that’s surviving. There is so much out there to experience, to love, to ask questions about. And ten years from now, I won’t regret the things I did. I’ll remember them, not the days I sat in my house being afraid. Your life led you here. You have a terrible fucking mother, you’ve lost and suffered, but you’re here now. You have us no matter what. We aren’t going anywhere, and no matter what you want to do, we will support you unconditionally. I’m not saying it won’t hurt, my love, because it will. We’ll argue, you’ll make mistakes, and so will we. You won’t just heal from this, but ten years from now, you’ll remember these days, remember your decisions and being surrounded by those who love you.” She inhales. “You’ll remember that you weren’t alone. We are forever, Darling.”
“What if we’re not?” she asks, and my heart cracks as I move closer.
“I have no doubt we are. This thing? Us? Family? It’s forever. But even if—”
“Asher,” I snap, but he holds his hand up, keeping his eyes on her.
“Even if, one day, it does fall apart, at least we tried, at least we had it. We had something so real and beautiful that it could be nothing but perfect. I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent years searching for a place to fit in, that one place that feels like home. But I’ve found it, in you, in them, in this life we are creating. So keep fighting, my love. Don’t give up on yourself or us just yet because we never will on you. Your mother might not love you, and he might have hurt you, but we never will. We’ll hold all the broken, bloody pieces of you together until you are able to.” He strokes her head. “Pull away if you need to cry, scream, or whatever you need to do to survive, but remember, there’s always a tomorrow if you fight hard enough. Fight for us, Blair. For you.”
“What if I don’t know how?”
“You do,” I promise, and her eyes turn to me. As always, those orbs entrap me. “You have the strongest heart I’ve ever met. It’s not pure, Darling, no one’s truly is, but you will do whatever it takes to keep those you love safe. You’ve seen evil and you laugh in the face of it now. You’ve survived so much already, and it has darkened parts of you, parts that needed to survive, but it also made you unimaginably strong, and if anyone, Darling” —I reach out and grip her hand— “can survive this, it’s you. When you do, when this is over, we will be here just like Asher said. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know we will be okay. That we can handle it. I heard you on the phone, Blair… You ran into danger to save those you care for. You’re not his victim anymore, you’re his end. But for tonight, rest and let us hold you. Tell us what you need. Lean on us.”
“I don’t know,” she admits, and I hear the fear in her trembling voice. “I just feel so fucking lost. So fucking angry all the time. At him, at the police, at the fucking world for yet again ruining what I had. I’m just so fucking mad.”
“Then use it,” Cyrus says. “Use that anger. This world isn’t going to give you anything, baby girl. You can walk through life thinking it owes you shit, but it doesn’t. You take what you want, and you fight for it with everything you have. So fight, Blair.”
“I want to,” she murmurs, sliding back down into our arms as we hold her tighter. “I’m just worried it won’t be enough.”
“Then we make it enough. No matter what happens, we got to be together, and that’s enough,” Cyrus finishes, leaning in to kiss her. “Now get some sleep, we will be right here when you wake up.”
* * *
She barely slept, tossing and turning all night until the sun rose, and then she finally settled down to sleep. Not wanting to leave her, I stayed with her while Asher and Cyrus got up to check in with the police to see if they found him. I’m holding her in my arms, yet she feels a thousand miles away. Even after our talk last night, it’s as if she’s mentally preparing to lose us or walk away.
I can’t let that happen, but I don’t know what to do, so as the sun rises and shines across her beautiful face, I try to come up with a plan to keep her with us forever.
She’s ours, she’s mine. She’s Crew. If she leaves, she will break all three of our hearts and probably our family. I’ve tried talking, tried being vulnerable, so instead I fall back on the one thing I know I do best.
Sex.
I’ll make her want me, make her want to stay by giving her the best orgasms she’s ever had. It’s what I did with other girls, used their desire to blind them to everything but me so they wouldn’t leave when they realised how messed up I was. I never thought I’d do it with her, but it’s all I have left.
This isn’t about pleasure, this is about showing her how much she means to us. It’s not about me, it’s all about her.
“Bray?” she murmurs as I flip her so she’s on her back with her head propped on the pillows.
I rip the covers back, grip her thighs, and yank them apart. She’s in nothing but a tiny lace thong and tank top, and my eyes eat her up greedily as she tilts her head. Her lips curve into a small smile, and some of our usual sassy Blair enters her eyes which are locked on me.
