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I lived with one foot in the grave, and it’s time to remove that one now.
I walk up and down the aisle until I find Lucas first.
Lucas Miller
2002-2020
Beloved son, gone but never forgotten.
There are fresh flowers on his grave, and for some reason that makes me smile as I lean down and wipe away some grime. “Hey, babe,” I whisper as tears fill my eyes. “I missed you.”
I swallow as my voice cracks, and I feel a heavy hand on my shoulder. Without looking, I reach up and clasp it. “I brought some friends, I hope that’s okay. I’m sorry I never came. It was just too hard, and I wasn’t ready, but I am now. I’m so sorry our last moments were filled with such pain, but I still remember all the good. The memories we made together were so happy, and those are the ones I will remember when I’m sad. Your booming laughter that turned heads, your geeky sense of humour, and your just un-fucking-willingness to give up.” Licking my lips, I kneel down, gazing at the grass for a moment. “I don’t think I’ll be back here again, I just needed you to know that I miss you and I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I’m still sorry, sorry that you loved me so much and all it did was lead you here. Maybe in another life, you’ll find someone to love you even more and you’ll do everything you always wanted to. I promise to live now, truly live. These men behind me, I love them, Lucas. I know you wouldn’t be angry at that, you’d probably smile and introduce yourself. You’d like them, assholeness and all.” I laugh, wiping my tears.
“I’m finally ready to move on with them, and even though I won’t come here anymore, it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you, Lucas Miller, nor the love and laughter you showed me. It just means I’m learning from our lessons and letting them guide me.” Leaning forward, I kiss the headstone. “May we meet again, just not too soon. I want to live a little first.”
I stand, and without a backwards glance, I find the next grave. Abigail. “Hey, cutie,” I greet her. “These are my boyfriends. Three, I know. You’d laugh at that. I guess I never did anything by halves, did I? I have a new friend, a sister, Faye. She’s so kind and funny; I wish you could meet her. She’s bringing me back to life. I miss you so fucking much. He’s gone, babe, he’s dead. It’s finally over, I just wish you were here to see it.”
I say goodbye to them all, filling my heart with the good memories, not the bad, and with my head held high, holding my loves’ hands, I leave them once again.
This time it’s not filled with pain and unsaid things, but with peace.
Back in the car, I turn to them. “I have one more stop to make.”
They don’t object, and after another really long car ride back, we find ourselves at a private cemetery. It seems their dad paid for her to be buried here. Even if he was hurt by what she did, he honoured her in the end. It’s a beautiful spot, and the guys show me to her grave. There are flowers too. At least someone cared enough to bring them.
I didn’t, and that thought only saddens me.
Staring at the grave, I’m lost for words unlike before. I have so much I want to say to her, and most of it is not good. I want to ask why she didn’t love me, why I wasn’t enough, and what I did to make her hate me so.
But that’s not healthy. She’s gone, and she can’t answer, and if I continue to hold onto this hate, I’m not starting fresh like I want to. I can’t hold onto the past and move forward. I can’t hold onto hate and be so deeply in love without it tarnishing it.
I need to clear my heart first. “I forgive you,” I start. I hear them inhale behind me, but I forge ahead. “I forgive you for everything. I don’t understand, but I can’t hate you and carry on. I want you to know that one day, if I choose to have children, if I have a daughter, I will be better than you ever were. I’ll be an amazing mother. I will learn from you and do everything you never did. I’ll be there for her, I’ll hold her as she cries, and I’ll never doubt her, hurt her, or leave her. We will have a good life, and I will love her unconditionally, the way you could never love me. You told me this a lot, but I’m sorry I ruined your life by being born. Maybe you would have been happier without me, or maybe not, but either way, Meredith, I forgive you.” With that, I leave her there. I won’t be back here either.
Not ever.
At the car, the tears finally fall, and they surround me with their loving arms, letting me cry it out until I can finally pull back. Asher wipes my face, Bray kisses me, and Cyrus nods.
“Let’s go home.”
