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“Friend?” In my surprise, I had spoken aloud while simultaneously signing. I decided to continue speaking that way in order for him to understand me if I were to mess up a sign.
“You said that you killed your friend. What did you mean?” he continued.
Unwanted tears sprang to my eyes.
Oh Ducky. And here was Declan, with eyes almost an exact replica of my best friend’s. An immeasurable amount of loss and emptiness filled me.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Declan hurried to add, taking note of my distraught expression.
“No, it’s fine.” My voice was shaky. “I didn’t have a lot of friends when I was younger. For obvious reasons.”
I could feel Calax turning towards me, and Ronan had a thoughtful expression on his face. I offered them a gentle smile, so they knew I was okay with them listening. Taking a steadying breath, I pressed on.
“My best friend in the entire world was named Ducky. I met him at the public school after I had gotten into a fight with my parents.” I scoffed at the memory. I remembered how scare I’d been at the time. Why were mommy and daddy mad at me? What had I done wrong?
Younger Adelaide was a dumbass.
“What happened?” Tam asked softly. I kept my attention on Declan as I continued.
“We became inseparable, at least in secret. I would come to visit him every morning and every afternoon that I could. He told me about his foster family and his dreams for the future. I told him about mine.” I took another deep breath. “But I never told him about my parents. At least, not about their abusive tendencies. I thought it was my burden to shoulder, you know? I didn’t want him to feel like he had to save me when he was struggling to save himself.”
Another breath.
“On my thirteenth birthday, I told Ducky about the dinner My parents had planned for me. He showed up at the restaurant to surprise me.” A small smile bloomed on my face when I remembered his slicked back hair and black suit, two sizes too big. He had looked so handsome.
My body seemed to be an epitome of contradictions, for a tear hit my turned-up lip. I instantly sobered with my next words.
“I was afraid mom and dad would hurt him, so I sent him away. I told him he meant nothing to me and that our friendship was just a pity party.” I laughed, but it held no humor. “I suppose it was. He pitied me. Why else would he be my friend? I said some awful things, but you have to understand I was terrified. I knew what my parents were capable of, and I feared they would hurt him just because I loved him. Ducky left humiliated, and I watched him go. I didn’t try to stop him or call him back.”
A shuttering sob left me, and a hand pulled me against a muscular chest.
Declan.
His gentleness threatened to break through ever wall I constructed around myself. I wanted nothing more than to lose myself in his embrace.
I allowed him to hold me, to comfort me, for only a second before I pulled away. I had the distinct feeling that once they heard the rest of the story, they would want nothing to do with me.
The murderer.
“I watched him through the window. He was running, as if he could escape me.” Another tear slid down my nose. “But he wasn’t fast enough. The car came out of nowhere. I didn’t...I can’t...” I was sobbing now, reaching full blown hysterics. “I killed him.”
Declan reached forward yet again to gather me in his arms. I didn’t understand how he could touch me. Wasn’t he disgusted with me? I was disgusted with myself. I was a monster.
“It was an accident, and it wasn’t your fault,” Asher said. I felt him behind me, hand smoothing down my untamed hair.
“I shouldn’t have sent him away,” I cried. All the anguish and fear I felt came pressing down on me. I had always suspected that his death was my fault, but hearing it said aloud, I knew it was. There was no doubt in my mind.
God, I hated myself.
It should’ve been me.
“Don’t say stuff like that,” Calax ordered in a harsh whisper.
Was this why I craved death? To compensate for my past sins?
“It wasn’t your fault, Kitten,” Ryder insisted. I hadn’t even heard him wake up.
Declan pushed me away from him, and I figured that he finally had enough of me. He finally saw me for the monster I truly was.
