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Chapter 14
Addie
We didn’t talk about what happened
I didn’t talk about what happened.
It wasn’t possible for me to put into words all that I was feeling. I was like a volcano ready to burst. Without a shred of doubt, I knew that I would burn everyone in my general vicinity when I finally did decide to erupt, as if I had a conscious choice in the matter of my eventual mental demise.
We were all broken. All of us. Tommy had yet to fully comprehend what he had done. Ryder was dealing with something unknown to the rest of us. Ronan and Fallon both felt the weight of their responsibility. Fallon’s extended towards all of us, and I didn’t know how far Ronan’s went. Did he just feel responsible for his brother? For me? Tam, Asher, and Calax dealt with their guilt over what had transpired, though I did not blame them.
And me? I was tearing apart at the seams. My life was shattering around me, swallowing me whole, and I was helpless on how to escape. My mental pain seemed to manifest itself into physical aches. I found breathing difficult.
How could I go back from this?
So we didn’t speak about it, about anything. We all remained mute as the van - which had miraculously survived the earthquake - thumped over cracked streets.
I was afraid that we wouldn’t be able to hold ourselves together that much longer. One wrong move, one wrong direction, and we would completely shatter.
And my cynical mind had to wonder if that wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing.
* * *
We madean impromptu stop at a grocery store.
There were a few other groups already milling about when we arrived inside the pungently smelling building. They, too, were grabbing all the food they could carry, loading it into their cars. There were no workers manning the checkout lanes, yet I couldn’t ignore the stab of guilt I felt as we began grabbing items at random as well.
Wasn’t this considered stealing?
I had to wonder if there was anything left in this world that was even remotely humane. It seemed as if laws, rules, and social decency had all went out the door the second shit hit the fan.
Sighing heavily, I listened as Fallon broke us apart into groups. I would go with Ryder and Tommy to gather any and all medical supplies. Again, he didn’t give us anything specific. He merely handed us a duffle bag with vague instructions to “grab it all”.
And of course I would be stuck with Mr. Silent and Mr. Sarcastic. I had hoped I would be able to talk with one of them, at least, but no such luck. We walked to the medical section of the store in silence.
We had been doing a lot of that lately. Silence. It made the air seem almost thick, as if it could swallow us whole.
I was slugging pill bottles into the bag when I got my hand stuck on a surprisingly sharp edge of the shelf. My twisted mind welcomed the pain, welcomed the distraction...and then I lost it.
I absolutely lost it. The volcano erupted.
There were casualties.
“Fuck! Fucking shit! Fuck this and fuck all of you!” I didn’t know who my anger was directed at, but it felt good to let it out. The relief made the stricken expressions on Ryder’s and Tommy’s faces seem almost worth it. Almost.
“Kitten?” Ryder asked hesitantly. He took a step closer to me, arms outstretched, and I flinched. I didn’t want anyone touching me. People only brought me pain, immense, unbearable pain that left both mental and physical scars.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I sobbed. My body felt weak; my legs couldn’t support my weight. “It hurts. It hurts so much. Why does it hurt so badly?”
“Kitten...” His voice was hoarse as he, too, slid down to his knees. He looked as if he wanted to touch me but decided against it.
“Damn it all! Damn it!” I smashed a fist into the shelf, ignoring the throbbing pain that erupted in my knuckles. I was a hysterical mess, tears mixing in with my snot. A few unfamiliar faces glanced down at me, expressions pitying, before quickly hurrying away. I didn’t doubt that this was the first girl they had seen break down in a supermarket.
“You don’t get to fucking act like this!” Tommy exploded.
And another volcano erupted.
“I saved you! I chose you, and you’re acting like an ungrateful little brat!” Tommy jabbed an accusatory finger into my face.
