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“No way in hell.”

“Not by yourself. We’ll come too.”

Their reactions were better than I had expected. Nobody tried to kill me, that is. Once I had given my spiel on how necessary it was to gather supplies, the team had agreed. Once I added that I intended to go, all hell broke loose.

Calax, ever my supporter, allowed me to go on the condition he could come with.

Allowed. And cue the mental eye roll. I wasn’t a fucking child in need of their permission. I was an equal member of their team. At least in spirit.

Physically, however…

But I could shoot a gun, somewhat expertly (okay, a nerf gun. Same thing.). I was also pretty handy with a bow and arrow, if I did say so myself. A knife? Not my strongest suit. I knew that the pointy end went into the body, but besides that, I preferred to stay away from the keen weapon.

Don’t get me wrong. I understood why they wanted to come with me. The world was dangerous, and I was, admittedly, somewhat weaker compared to them. But I was resilient and had a will to live that spanned years.

More importantly, I needed space. For just a moment.

“I’ll be fine,” I insisted. I stared at each face before turning fully towards Fallon. I glowered at the man, hoping he could see all of my pent-up anger and frustration. “Let me be fucking useful for once.”

His eyes softened, at least as much as his eyes could. He considered me, eyes assessing, and finally nodded. Before anyone could protest, he held up a fist.

“Would you be willing to take one of us with you?” Fallon said. “A compromise.”

A compromise.

That I could do.

“Fine,” I said, and I saw Calax straighten his shoulders expectantly. Poor Callie. Did he not realize I needed a day free of boyfriends? I loved him, but he had lied to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I probably should get over it. But I was angry, petty, and vindictive. “I choose Tam, the ninja.”

“Tam?” Calax said, brows furrowing. Ryder just gaped at me.

“He’s the only one I’m not pissed at. Well, I’m not mad at Asher, but I want a ninja covering my back.”

Tam blushed, and I could’ve sworn he mumbled “not a ninja” beneath his breath.

Without waiting for them to respond, I stormed towards my bedroom. I wouldn’t be able to tell you what I was doing. Was I running? Hiding? We all had a tendency to run, me more than anybody. I wasn’t a fighter, and my flight response nearly overwhelmed me.

My breathing was ragged, shallow almost, as I pressed my forehead against the wall. There were so many emotions inside of me at that moment, but I was unable to detangle them all. It led to a combination of hurt, anger, and disappointment. The latter emotion was aimed at myself. I wanted to be someone they could trust and count on, someone like Elena. I had spent my life hiding in my parents’ shadows, and I was desperate to snatch the first available drop of sunlight. I wanted to feel needed, a juxtaposition I didn’t entirely understand. The more I thought about it, the more I corrected myself. No, Ineededto feel needed.

The door behind me opened, and I looked up, expecting Ryder or Calax. I was pleasantly surprised to see Declan standing in the doorway.

Staring at my best friend, my heart began beating almost painfully. He stared back at me as if time and space hadn’t diminished our feelings towards one another, our seemingly unbreakable friendship. He stared at me as if I still held the stars to his darkness.

But I, too, suffered from the delusion of believing that no matter what, no matter how far I drifted from a person, we would always find our way back to each other in the end.

Even in the dissonant chaos of reality.

“Are you mad?” he signed, eyes carefully surveying my face. Every twitch of my lips, every blink of my eyes, every hand gesture, I knew would be analyzed. I expected nothing less from Ducky.

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I immediately turned towards one of the drawers - Calax’s. He had taken to sleeping in my room most nights.

I grabbed one of his long black shirts and the smallest pair of jeans I could find. Elena had insisted that we needed to dress as guys. Being a woman had always been dangerous, but that danger only seemed to increase with time. The world was rapidly spiraling straight into the pits of hell. All we could do was hang on for the ride.

Eyes trained on the clothing despite my face - and lips - aimed at Declan, I continued, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I’m mad and upset that you guys lied to me. And I’m disappointed in myself that you guys can’t trust me.”

I felt him in front of me a moment before he tapped on my shoulder. I glanced up, eyes watering.

“We trust you,” he signed, but I was already shaking my head.

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