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9
Bianaca
Isniffed, pulling away from Beau and wiping at my eyes. I needed to be strong, to not fall apart. There were cracks in my armor I doubted I’d ever be able to fill up, but I was determined not to let that weakness show. I would hold my chin up high, despite my eyes being rimmed in red and puffy from crying.
Dylan would not break me. Not his memory nor his monster. Not the demons that plagued my sleep. Not the disgusting feeling of his hands on my body, holding me down as I writhed and wept.
The first time he raped me happened when I was sixteen, right at this gym.
Eric Lang, the owner and a longtime friend of mine, had left for the day. I was the only gymnast he’d given the key to, with the stipulation that I lock up after myself.
I always thought the old man knew more about my situation than he’d let on, though I didn’t know if that made him a savior or another monster. If he knew about the abuse and malicious touches, then why didn’t he put a stop to them? Maybe the world was made up of nothing but cowards, all of them seeing the injustice in the world but too scared to act on it. It was that mentality that made society evil. It was a different type of evil than what I associated with Dylan, mainly because it was culpability disguised as ignorance. You couldn’t be innocent if your self-interest and self-preservation prohibited you from helping others. It was insidiousbecauseit was intentionally negligent, not because you held wicked aspirations.
The day Dylan raped me, I’d assumed I was alone when I began practicing my floor routine.
I wasn’t.
Dylan was there, a disgusting mold I could only dream of eradicating from my life. He’d watched me through the glass windows, probably jerking himself off, before he crept inside my sanctuary and tarnished it with sin. He’d ripped my leotard down the middle and did things no child should have to endure, especially not by the hands of someone who, for all intents and purposes, was supposed to love and protect her.
I burned that leotard the very next day.
I’d lived in fear of Dylan since then. Every night, he would sneak into my bedroom. He was never quiet, but nobody stopped him. Not my step-father, with his bulging belly and receding hairline. Not my elfin mother, who’d appeared paler and paler as the days dragged on, as if she were the one getting destroyed every damn day.
Nobody, that was, until I ran into Beau—
Once again, the memory slipped through my fingers like ice-cold water. I knew with unwavering certainty that the second I captured it, I would have the final piece of this macabre puzzle. I would finally understand how I ended up here, in Purgatory. How Beau and Dylan ended up here with me. Until then, I was left with nothing but blurry images that no amount of rearranging could make clear.
On shaky legs, feeling oddly like the Little Mermaid learning to walk for the first time, I moved towards the others. I kept my head down, my blonde hair falling in front of my face, and refused to make eye contact. Despite that, I could feel their gazes penetrating my scalp, demanding my attention.
Aiden cleared his throat first. “B…”
“Don’t,” I said, cutting him off. A giant knot of nerves got caught in my throat, and I coughed to alleviate some of the tension. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You did it, Bianaca.” Heath’s voice was devoid of its usual mirth and levity. He sounded uncharacteristically somber as he rested a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “We can move on to the next circle.”
I struggled to form words, but they failed me. I couldn’t even lift my head to meet the dark gaze I could feel aimed my way. The only thing keeping me grounded was Beau’s presence at my back, his heat migrating into my own body. I wanted to turn around and throw myself into his arms once again, but I didn’t. Couldn’t.
I repeated my new mantra in my head.
Dylan did not break me. I’m still here, still alive, still fighting.
He won’t ruin me.
“How do we get to the next…circle?” a tiny voice questioned. Kelly. I wanted to reassure her that everything was okay, that I was okay, but I couldn’t find my voice.
Instead of answering in words, Heath moved away from me. I lifted my head just enough to see him stroll out of the gym and back into the lobby. He paused, waiting to see if we were following him, and his dark eyes locked on mine.
His expression…
I couldn’t quite read it.
There were a thousand words emanating from his eyes, some of them screaming louder than others. It was a myriad of pain and shock and a blinding rage that had my mouth popping open in shock. Heath was the last person I expected to be indignant on my behalf. Sometimes, I thought he hated me, while other times, I could see the lust sparking in his dark gaze.
But just because he lusted for me did not mean he was on my side. On anyone’s side, really, except his own.
“Come on.” His brown loafers squeaked against the clean tiling as he exited the gym. Kelly, her men, and Maria followed him, but Kace, Aiden, Tanner, and Beau remained behind.
Staring at me.
