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Guilt and shame mingle deep inside me. I’m sure she didn’t tell him what I asked of her in return. What I took from her as payment. I hope he never finds out either, because the truth is, I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. He was always good to me, treated me well, took me into his home when no one else would.
“I’m sorry she lied, and I’m sorry we didn’t believe you.” His apology is genuine, which only makes me feel worse about my actions.
“I was never mad at you, and I don’t hate Penny anymore for what she did.”
“That’s good. It’s a lot of hate to hold on to. Hate like that can eat you up inside.”
Don’t I fucking know it?
“Shit happens.” I shrug.
“Why don’t you come inside, have a beer with me?”
I’m tempted to say yes. To be part of their lives again. Be part of Penny’s life in a healthy way. A tiny flash of a happy future enters my mind, a world where everything is okay, where Penny and I have a normal relationship, without all the hate and resentment between us. But then I remember who I am, what kind of person I’ve become, and what I did to Penny.
“It’s late. Maybe another time?”
“Maybe another time,” he echoes my words. “You’re always welcome here, Ryder.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
And I will keep it in mind, but I won’t act on it because I know it wouldn’t work out. It wouldn’t be right to step foot in that house again. It wouldn’t be fair to Penny.
The best thing I can do for her now is walk away. Let her build the life she deserves. The life she lost five years ago, the same day I lost mine.
