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I wrap my arms around the Rottweiler I’ve missed so much. He licks my face and whines in excitement, his large body shaking in my hold. I dig my fingers into his thick fur like I’ve always done, and for the first time in over a month, I feel a jolt of happiness.
Burying my face in the crook of Mojo’s neck, I hold on to him like I’m holding on to that spark of joy. He smells the same, feels the same, and his presence alone makes me content.
“So, I guess you are at the right house.” My dad chuckles.
“The guy who sent me told me he can’t take care of the dog anymore and that you would take him. I have a bunch of dog stuff in the car too. I’ll get it unless you can’t keep him either.”
“Yes!” I blurt out. We’ll keep him.” I look up and find my father staring at me with his eyebrows raised.
“We will?”
“Yes, please. He is a good dog, I promise.” I give him a hopeful look.
“Okay, then. We’ll keep him.”
The corners of my mouth turn up. I go back to cuddling Mojo, curling up on the floor with him in the middle of the hallway.
I don’t even care how weird I look right now. All I care about is having another part of Ryder here with me.
Two Months Later
Rubbingthe growing bump on my stomach, I watch two expectant mothers chat across from me in the waiting room. They are talking about nursery colors and classical music to soothe newborns. They look so happy, so excited about having a baby soon. I haven’t felt either.
I have told no one about this pregnancy. I’ve been hiding my bump, and this is the first time I’m actually seeing a doctor, and watching those two chat is another reason I have been avoiding this.
Not only is being here making it real, but it’s also a stark reminder of everything that’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t be sad about having a child.
“Penny Jenkins,” a sing-song voice calls my name. I look up and find a nurse sticking her head into the waiting room. When our eyes meet, she smiles widely. “Hey, Penny. Come on in, we don’t bite around here.”
Returning a tiny smile, I get up and follow her into an examination room. She takes my vitals and checks my weight before handing me a gown to put on.
“Leave it open in the front. The doctor will be right with you,” she tells me before leaving me alone in the room.
I take off my clothes and put on the gown as instructed. A few minutes later, a soft knock fills the small room, and a petite woman enters. She looks so young, I think she must be another nurse, but then she introduces herself.
“Hey, Penny, I’m Dr. Walden. It’s so nice to meet you,” she says so cheerfully it almost sounds fake, but the way she looks at me and takes my hand in between both of hers tells me she is not fake at all.
There is a kindness and warmth in her eyes that you rarely see. I instantly know that she genuinely loves her job. She loves helping people and bringing new life into this world.
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you too.”
She takes a seat on the backless rolling stool and moves it right in front of me. “So, I looked over your charts. Your vitals are good, and it says here that you think you’re four months along, but you haven’t seen a doctor yet.”
“Um, yes, I haven’t seen anyone yet,” I admit shamefully. Looking down, I wring my hands in my lap.
“Oh, sweetie, that’s okay.” She reaches out and pats my leg. “The important part is that you are here now, and we’re going to take good care of you,” she tells me without an ounce of judgment in her voice.
I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulder, a weight I didn’t even realize was there. I figured the doctor would be mad, telling me how reckless I am not to take proper care of myself. I didn’t expect her to be so sweet and understanding.
She asks me a few more questions, and I answer each one honestly before she makes me lie back to examine me. When she is done with that, she finally rolls over the ultrasound machine. She squirts some cold gel on my belly and spreads it out before bringing a wand looking thing to my skin.
The moment she touches my stomach, the ultrasound machine comes to life. The screen lights up with an array of green lines moving across, numbers are popping up along the bottom, and then I hear it.
The loud and even drumming of a steady heartbeat. My baby’s heartbeat. The fast-moving rhythmic sound evokes feelings inside of me I wasn’t sure were possible. A warmth spreads through my chest, slowly overshadowing the dread I’ve been holding on to.
I’ve avoided coming here because I didn’t want it to be real, but now that it is, I feel more at ease than I have in a while.
I could listen to my baby’s heartbeat forever, it’s like my own personal lullaby. A calmness washes over me, and I close my eyes. I imagine holding my baby in my arms. I imagine its head pressed against my chest, listening to my heartbeat.
A single tear escapes the corner of my eye and rolls down my cheek. It’s a happy tear because this is the moment I realize something. This is the moment I realize that I already love this baby. I love it more than I love anything in the world. More than myself, and no matter what, that love will be eternal.
