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But she said she loved you. Yeah, well, people say a lot of things. She’s too young to know what she wants, anyway. I’m sure she thought she loved Nash, that piece of shit. She probably would have done anything he asked because he was nice to her. When compared to how poorly she was treated by everyone else in her life, the slightest nugget of kindness meant everything. She didn’t know what love looked like, so she latched onto the closest thing.
That’s what she’s doing now. She doesn’t love me. She feels connected to me. She needs me, and she’s mistaking that for love. She’ll figure it out with time and a little more experience. Now that she’s got more money than she’ll ever need, life is wide open to her. She’ll never have to beg for crumbs of affection again.
This is the right thing. Getting her away from me. What could I do for her? Hurt her, push her away, ruin her. She’s too good for that. She’s too good for me.
By now, she’s in the car, on her way to her new home. I hope she guts the place. I truly do. I hope she removes every last reminder of who once lived there. She should make it her own. I can almost imagine her walking through now empty rooms, imagining everything she can do. No doubt it’ll take her a while to settle in since some habits are harder to break than others. Growing up like she did, not having any money at all, she’ll be hesitant or even reluctant to spend it. That’s not true of everyone—plenty of people let a little money go to their heads and blow it almost as soon as they have it. She’s not one of those people. She’s too practical. Too smart.
Though I do wish I could be by her side for this. I’m sure she’ll need to be talked through it, probably more than once. Reminded she has control over her life. That she doesn’t need to ask anyone’s permission to do exactly what she wants. I hope she finds someone who can give her that permission. It’s not going to be me. It’s never going to be me.
The water in the shower is hot enough to make my skin sting, but I welcome that. Maybe it will wash me clean of my guilt. The guilt over Aspen, most of all. Just another of the casualties in my life. People unfortunate enough to be close to me.
I needed this reminder. Needed to have the facts of my existence thrown in my face. This is why I can’t be close to anyone. I have nothing to offer but pain. Once she figures out life doesn’t have to be miserable, Delilah will thank me for cutting her loose the way I’m sure my daughter is glad to be rid of me.
I’m far past the point of being finished washing up. But instead of getting out, I prop my forearms against the wall and rest my forehead on them while the water runs down my back and across my shoulders. Nothing will ease the tightness in my chest. It feels like there’s a ton of bricks sitting on me, making every breath I take a conscious effort.
You know you can never see her again. Nic’s voice echoes in my head hours after his admonishment. I knew what was coming, what he was arranging, but having him remind me what it all means—and what’s best for her—came as a blow. A small part of me still wanted to believe we could make this work together. There I was, thinking I freed myself of that kind of thinking a long time ago. After all, what good does it ever do anyone to hope for things beyond their reach? All hope does is break a person’s heart.
But I must have hoped because having it thrown in my face that she can’t have a future with me stung like hell.
It will take time. Just like it will take time to get over my craving for a drink. What I wouldn’t give to escape this. Crack open a fresh bottle and drown my sorrows to dull the pain of knowing I can’t set eyes on her again. There’s no such thing as weaning myself off her. Cold turkey it is.
I’d stay in here forever if the water held up, but it doesn’t, going cold after I have no idea how long. There’s no hiding. I need to face what comes next, even if I’m not sure what that is yet.
Finally, the water is unbearably cold, so I turn off the tap and grab a towel outside the stall. We spent the night talking about what to do with Delilah, but soon it will be my turn in front of the firing squad. What’s my next move? He’ll want to know, though he must already know I won’t have an answer. When have I ever?
And I have nothing to soothe the stress. No outlet. No Delilah. I can’t believe I let her get that close to me. I can’t believe I talked myself into thinking this situation was under my control.
I open the bathroom door, cursing my weakness as I step into the bedroom, where I come face-to-face with the one person I’m supposed to forget.
The sight of her is the closest I’ve ever come to witnessing a miracle. I can’t help the way joy immediately flares to life in my chest even as my brain throws up red flags. “What are you still doing here?” I can’t believe the way my heart’s racing at the sight of her sitting on the foot of the bed with her bag at her feet.
She shrugs. “I told you I didn’t want to go. Did you think it would be that easy to get rid of me?”
“I wasn’t trying to get rid of you. I was letting you go. You have a life in front of you now.” This is for her own good. I need to remember this is all for her. I should’ve known there’d be one final challenge, one last temptation.
“But that’s not the life I want. I already told you before we left Corium. You’re what I want.”
“That’s just what you think. That’s not necessarily what you need. You’ll find out if you only give yourself a chance.”
“I don’t want to. Why does everybody keep telling me what I need? I know what I need. And it’s you. Like I said, it doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing. All that matters is you.” Her eyes shine with unshed tears, and her chin quivers as she shrugs. “I can’t help it. I love you. All the money in the world doesn’t make a damn bit of difference if I have to live the rest of my life without you. It might be wrong, and I probably sound stupid, but I don’t care. I finally found what I really want. Stop trying to give me a bunch of other things that never once crossed my mind.”
“They never crossed your mind because you didn’t know it was possible. Now it is. Why me? Out of every other man in the world, why am I the one you can’t let go of? Don’t you know I’m no good for you?”
“Maybe that’s how you see it, but it’s not the truth I know.”
“And what’s that truth?”
“The truth I know is you’re the only person I’ve ever met who makes me feel like I belong somewhere.”
It might hurt, but she needs to hear it. “You’ve thought that before.”
She winces, but the moment passes quickly. “That’s fair. You’re right. I did think that. But I was naïve. And desperate for somebody to care about me. This isn’t the same situation. I would have done anything for Nash as long as it meant no longer being alone. Maybe having a future. The idea that somebody could actually care about me. But that’s just it—he was only an idea. He never once showed me that he actually cared—if anything, I kept telling myself I needed to make him care. If I would just make him happy, things would be different. I never actually enjoyed our time together—I spent the whole time trying to make him like me, doing things I didn’t want to do because I was afraid to say no. But that’s not how it is with you. When we’re together, even when it hurts a little or when I don’t know what you’re thinking or what’s coming next, I don’t feel forced, like I have to endure it—or else. Do you hear what I’m saying?”
“I hear what you think you’re saying.”
“Stop it.” It comes out sharp, and any softness in her eyes hardens all at once. “I don’t know where you got this idea that you need to save me from you, but I don’t buy it, and I’m tired of it. Stop acting like I don’t know what I’m talking about. For whatever fucked-up reason, something about you works well with something about me. Like we belong together. And you’re not going to convince me otherwise out of some misguided need to, like, save me.” She makes air quotes around the words, sneering. “I don’t need that.”
“Then what do you need?”
