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DELILAH
Everything is different now. It’s only been a few days, but I hate the distance that seems to have formed between us. It’s like there’s an ocean, and I have no way to cross it. I can’t shake the feeling that something is up, even if I can’t put my finger on it. Against my better judgment, I follow my gut instinct and take the elevator to Lucas’s apartment.
I should stay away, but I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe that makes me desperate or fucked up, but I know he feels the same way.
Lucas wants me like I want him. I know it. I felt it the other night.
As soon as I step off the elevator, I hide in the dark corner closest to his door. It’s dark enough that no one will see me unless they run right into me. I hope to catch him as he comes out since the fear of me knocking and Xander possibly being there might give me a heart attack.
I can still see the way he looked at me with blatant disgust. It was enough shame to last me a lifetime. I’m not sure how long I wait, but now I worry he’s not in his apartment at all. I guess I should have checked before I decided to stay here forever.
I’m starting to wonder if I should return to my dorm when the knob turns. I hold my breath, pressing myself into the corner as tightly as I can in case it is Xander who comes walking out. I know he’s only a man, but I get the feeling he would somehow sense me being here. Just to spite me. He wouldn’t want to miss a chance at hurling an insult.
It isn’t Xander. It isn’t even a man. It’s a woman, blond and beautiful. She has a sweet, angelic face, and she’s obviously older than me.
She turns and looks over her shoulder before stepping past the threshold. “Let me know if you change your mind.” As if I needed the truth smashed upside my head. I would have guessed this was the mystery woman without hearing her voice, which is the same as the one I heard coming from inside Lucas’s office.
So this is her. And she’s here, staying at Corium. She must be. She’s not wearing a coat or carrying a bag. Like she wandered over for a visit, the way our neighbors used to do back at the trailer.
She walks away from me rather than crossing my path, and that can only be a good thing since I’m not sure I’m strong enough to stay still, hidden, if she was that close. I don’t know what I would do exactly. Say something? Ask who she is, why she’s here, and who she is to Lucas. As if I have any right to know. I’m sure she would laugh at me. How could I ever think I meant anything to him when he already had someone in his life?
Instead of pressing myself into the corner, I’m leaning into it as the strength drains from my body, and a hot, sick feeling takes its place. How much more of this am I going to put myself through? I can’t even blame Lucas for this. I know this woman exists—and I told him so, though we never did get around to discussing her after I threw her in his face. We sort of got distracted.
But I knew she existed the whole time and let myself forget about her. Why do I keep walking into situations I know will only hurt me? Stupid, Delilah. I’ve never been good enough for anybody, just as I am. Never smart enough, never pretty enough. Not enough to be part of my own family. Not enough to have any real friends. Always on the outside, wishing for a chance to show somebody how worthwhile I am… and never getting it.
The situation might look different on the surface, but it’s the same underneath. This other woman is everything I’m not, obviously. I can give the man every part of me and offer him my understanding, patience, and even my heart, but it doesn’t matter. Why do I even bother? I should know better by now. People like me don’t get what they want.
And what am I supposed to do now? I want to see Lucas more than ever, but now it’s because I’m pissed off and hurting worse than before. Whenever I want to talk about us, something always comes along to get in the way. We could have talked about this woman in the morning after we had sex, but Xander went and showed up. Now I’m too upset over this blond woman to remember why I thought it was so important to talk to him in the first place.
In the end, curiosity is what holds me in place. Is he going to come out and take the same route she did? Is he going to disappear into whatever room he stashed her in? Or maybe she upset him, so he’s going to head to my room instead. Maybe she gets all the good parts of him, and I get all the ugliness.
I’m still seething and aching when his door opens again. There he is, and I wish my heart didn’t hurt so much at the sight of him. He’s angry, scowling. And alone.
He’s also dressed like he’s going somewhere, wearing a leather jacket and jeans. He looks dangerous, like he wants to get into trouble. Or maybe that’s what I already know about him, coloring the way I see him.
He turns in my direction, and I hold my breath, staying completely still. Does he sense me here as he walks past? It’s ridiculous to think he would, though I can’t help how my heart pounds. I’m surprised he doesn’t hear it.
No, he’s too busy checking something on his phone. He marches past me like a man in a hurry. I should let him go. I know I should. It’s none of my business, especially since he clearly wants nothing to do with me unless his little girlfriend is unavailable. Nothing should matter to me less than what this man does with his time.
And that’s what I keep telling myself as I follow him at a distance. He’s going to the elevator—I tuck myself into another dark corner when he comes to a stop.Don’t look over here. Please, don’t look over here.
I can finally breathe again when he steps into the car and the doors slide shut. I watch the numbers above the elevator doors light up as the car climbs. Where is he going?
All the way up to the castle level, it turns out, beyond the dorms and the classrooms and all that. Now, there’s nothing that could stop me from following him. Where is he going? What kind of secret life is he living?
That’s why I run down the hall to the next elevator and jam my finger against the button over and over until the doors open. I choose the main castle level the way he did and chew my lip, willing the damn thing to move faster.
I can’t burst out of the car the way I want to, not up here. This is where outsiders stay, family, and important people. With my luck, I’ll end up running straight into Xander or maybe Quinton’s sister, Scarlet. I have to be careful.
I peer out from around the doorway in time to catch a glimpse of Lucas walking toward the castle entrance. So he’s leaving, but is he leaving alone? I wish the question didn’t eat at me. I wish it didn’t force me to keep following him. I will never rest unless I know whether he’s going somewhere by himself or with that woman.
As I jog behind him, it occurs to me that I’m turning into a stalker. I guess I’ll have to worry about that later. It isn’t my fault the man is impossible to understand.
It’s cold outside, as expected, and I shiver when the air hits me.No coat, genius. Even though I should stay inside, I keep going until I watch from behind a tree as Lucas climbs aboard the waiting helicopter. There’s no one else inside but the pilot. I wish it didn’t come as such a relief.
Something holds me in place as the helicopter begins to lift. Where is he going? Why is he so secretive? Why doesn’t he know I only want to help him? I just want to be with him. No matter what that makes me, no matter what it means, it’s all I care about. But he would rather keep pushing me away, flying off on his own.
I’ll bet he told his little girlfriend where he’s going. Red-hot jealousy races through me and warms my chilled skin. I’m surprised there’s no steam rising from me by the time I turn back, ready to hide in my room and lick my wounds.
