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I take a step backward. “I think we’re fine like this,” I answer.
He studies me for a long pause. “What’s going on, Meira?” he asks.
I shake my head and look away from him, studying the undead watching us. Like statues, they stand as still as the trunks surrounding us. Getting more of them to follow me isn’t the problem. It’s the process of me doing it and not losing control of my wolf. Each time I transform, I worry this will be the last time before she claims me completely.
“Let’s go see what the others think about how many undead we need,” I suggest and I turn to move, but Dušan steps in my path.
“Meira.” His stern voice carves through me.
“It’s nothing.” Just when I think I finally succeeded by transforming, by keeping my men, the universe refuses to give me a clean break. Not only am I still immune to the zombies, which makes me worry that me I’m still sick, but my wolf refuses to kneel.
“Talk to me,” he persists, his eyes narrowing. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”
His question wrenches me from my thoughts, and I blink at Dušan. There’s a silence between us, and I don’t know why I struggle to tell him about this. Or why it scares me to reveal the truth with the others too.
“We can help,” he suggests, his concern swimming behind his eyes.
“I-I d-don’t think I’m fully healed,” I admit, my voice low. It’s only when I see the reaction flaring over his face that I realize why I kept from talking to my men about this. His lips tighten and the color in his face drops a few shades. Fear darkens his gaze. That terror right there is like a knife in my gut, twisting and twisting.
“Because you’re still immune to the undead? We’re going to fix this, Meira, as soon as we deal with Mad. I promise.”
“No, it’s not just that.” My arms shake by my side. I lick my lips and let the words roll free. “I can’t control my wolf. When I change, she tries to take over, every single time. All she wants is to attack and hunt.”
He takes my hands into his. “Oh, Meira, that’s normal. The first time I shifted, my wolf took over and ate all the neighbor’s chickens.”
“And what about your next change and the one after?”
“It gets easier once you assert your dominance. You don’t need to worry about this.”
“No.” I push his hands away. “You don’t get it. It’s not getting easier. Each time I’ve shifted, my wolf is stronger. It takes everything to fight her back.”
I hug my middle and glance over to the undead, who haven’t moved, just watching. I doubt they really understand what’s going on. They resemble something robotic needing activation.
Dušan reaches over and takes my arm, holding me firmly. His finger brushes the inside of my arm, the touch coaxing a calmness racing up my arm. “Have you allowed your wolf to be in control at least once during your transformations?”
“Of course not. Are you crazy? If I do that, what if I never gain command over it again?”
“You will,” he says sternly.
“You don’t know that. Something is wrong with me and the normal wolf rules don’t apply here, Dušan. You’re not listening to me. What if when I let her have free rein, she becomes the monster you feared would tear out of me all along? What if I’m then forever lost while she goes on a rampage and kills everyone? What if she comes for you?” I’m shaking my head, my chin quivering at the thought.
Dušan drags me into his arms and holds me in his strong embrace. I sense the quickening of his heartbeat, and there’s no denial I’ve touched a nerve.
“You’re letting fear control you,” he explains.
His words infuriate me because he’s not listening to me. “That’s not true.” I shove my hand against his chest to get away from him, but his arms are like iron and he holds me in place.
“Listen to me,” he says in a deep, authoritative voice. “Our wolves are part of us. They are our other halves. And I know it’s terrifying, but to complete your connection with her, you need to let go of the reins on at least one transformation.”
He’s insane! The thought alone terrifies me.
Unease twinges in my gut. How can he think I can ever do this? I tense up just thinking about it, let alone going through with it.
“I can’t,” I say, shaking my head again.
“You have no choice. The only way your wolf will become submissive to you is by showing her how much you trust her.”
I wrinkle my nose with confusion. “That makes no sense.”
