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“And do they?” She rounded on me, peering back with those incredulous eyes that knew me far better than I knew myself. Not this time. I’d made up my mind already. Whether through Vanessa’s service or some other way, it was time to settle down.
“Do they, what?” I asked anyway.
“Do they want the same things you want?”
I shrugged.
The last date I went on seemed to want marriage even more than I did. She definitely wanted kids in a hurry. Yet, we still didn’t seem to be on the same wavelength. “I haven’t really given it enough time to find out.”
“Do you even know what you want?” Mom asked.
Of course, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to start my own family, to build roots and a life with someone who wanted a family of their own, to fulfill my promise to my father, and to make him proud in the one way I still could. It would be the best way to honor him, wouldn’t it?
Then why did all of it make my stomach turn?
I should be leaping for joy, excited at the prospect of this new stage in my life. The one thing I shouldn’t be feeling was regret. I hadn’t even made a decision yet, hadn’t even agreed to more than starting the process of finding a wife. And already, I felt trapped. There was no turning back, no jumping ship now. Not without upsetting everyone, especially Vanessa. I’d set all the wheels into motion.
So, why did it feel so wrong?
“Mom, you don’t have to worry about me,” I said, smiling despite the quagmire of thoughts now swarming about my head. “I’m doing what makes me happy.”
“No, you’re doing what you think makesmehappy,” Mom corrected and took a seat in one of the sofas in the living room. “What you think would make your father happy. Not what makes you happy.”
“Mom…”
She raised a hand for silence. “I know you and your father had some sort of guys arrangement, but I don’t think he would have wanted this.”
“Wanted what?” I held out two arms in confusion. “I’m looking for a wife, not selling a kidney on the blackmarket.”
She patted the seat beside her. It was the international signal that I was in for a long lecture. Reluctantly, I joined her on the sofa.
“I just want you to find someone who supports you and who you love,” she said. “Someone who suits you the way your father and I did, not just someone to fill the space.”
“That’s not what’s happening here.” That was exactly what was happening here.
I was settling for someone who fit, no matter what I felt about them. Sure, I would be given some time to get to know them, but ultimately passion and love were out of the question. Isn’t that what Vanessa had said? Wasn’t that all just fairy tales and nonsense anyway?
I had tried to go down the path of passion. I’d given into my feelings of desire and need, and where had they gotten me? The woman I wanted put even further distance between us, reminding me that what I wanted wasn’t always what I would get. Those feelings of love and connection were a myth—one that had no place in the reality of establishing a healthy marriage.
“I’m not just set up with someone and that’s it,” I said, trying to rationalize my decisions to more than my mother. Perhaps, I still needed a little convincing. Though, I resolved myself to this being the best solution. “I meet a few people first, then make my decision from there. If a connection happens, then it happens.”
Her hand flew out to grip my arm, pressing it with a loving squeeze before releasing me. “And what if there isn’t a connection? There’s no need to rush into any of this. You have plenty of time.”
“I think our ideas of connection vary a little.”
They didn’t. But I couldn’t keep running from this. These fears were all the machinations of cold feet. They weren’t reality. People didn’t marry for love anymore. That wasn’t still a thing. Was it?
“You need someone who makes you feel warm and wanted.” Mom continued. “Someone who you can’t wait to see when you walk through the door. She looks a mess and slightly terrifying because she’s completely stressed out with the kids. But you see all the love and work she’s put into your life, all the sacrifices she’s made by being with you, and you know your life would never be the same without her.”
My chest tightened.
I wanted that. I wanted the love I knew my parents shared for one another. I knew I could give that kind of love to the mother of my child and could be there for her no matter what it cost me. That kind of love grew with time. It didn’t need to be perfect at the beginning—nothing earth-shattering.
Or so I told myself.
“I’ll make the right choice,” I said, once again speaking more to myself than to her.
My mother cupped my cheek in her palm, staring up into my eyes with those cool, gray eyes. “I know you, sweetheart. You’re impatient and want things done in a rational manner, which is not how finding a wife should be. You’ll make thebestchoice. Even if it isn’t the right one.”
